Male boss: is that called inappropriate? or wierd???

I just started a new job a one girl office, my male boss is training me in. The other day while he was mentioning jobs that the business did, the conversation took a weird turn see below:
Boss: what mikveh do u use?
Me: (gasp)
Boss: u use the mik in viola?
me:ohh the one on viola- sometimes
Boss: we did a job there, as a donation
Me: (turning pipe red and looking down at the desk) ....oh

I guess he realized that I was uncomfy and quickly turned the subject to other jobs that the company did!
Was he being inappropriate or totally wierd? what should I have said? or was it good that I didnt say anything????

I didnt even tell DH I'm sure he woulda blown up about this and never let me go back to work there lol

Senior Member Joined: Jul 19 2007 Posts: 204

its a little weird but maybe he was just clueless and didnt realize how sensitive women are about such topics. I would say that if something of a similar nature happens again, then worry, but maybe forgive and forget this first time.

Senior Member Joined: Nov 09 2010 Posts: 243

In my community there are some people who talk about where they go to mikvah the same way people ask you "where do you daven." so it's not necessarily weird but I hear it being uncomfortable. I wouldn't dwell on it too much - some people are unwittingly insensitive. if it ever comes up again (which would definitely be weird) just say you're not comfortable talking about it.

If it's a one time thing I'd chaulk it up to a social faux pas.
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Platinum Member Joined: Nov 01 2009 Posts: 8212

Posted: Thu, Nov 18 2010, 8:09 pm Post subject:

Yeh wierd.

Platinum Member Joined: Apr 06 2008 Posts: 5149

could be he is just totally clueless and tactless.
Is he Chassidish and the type to go to mikva regularly? Could be he is forgetting that mikva to women means something far more intimate then just the morning dunk before davening that men go for.

Gold Member Joined: Feb 24 2009 Posts: 1983

personally...I think that's a little weird, a man shouldn't be asking a women where she goes to the mikvah

Gold Member Joined: Jul 21 2010 Posts: 1728

OP here.

THis is another convo that came up:
Boss: my sister used to work for me when she was a girl and newly married but she still trains some new employees for me. now she has five kids already
Me: (Passing comment) oh she looks a lot younger than that
Boss: well how old do u think I am?
Me:well... ( not wanting to go down that line)

How much weirder and inappropriate can this guy get???
I'm not even working there for two full weeks!!!

How often is this guy getting a new employee that his sister has to keep training them? If it's a revolving door that might say something about him. Just monitor the situation for now, but he sounds odd.
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Gold Member Joined: Jul 21 2010 Posts: 1728

I don't believe the man is just clueless and tactless. I believe the man knows exactly what he's doing. Even men who are not frum know that this is something personal and private, and that is why crass comedians make jokes about it. It was an extremely inappropriate question for your boss to ask you--in fact, asking you anything about your private life at all is inappropriate, but this is completely beyond the pale. It would raise a very large red flag in my mind and put me on my guard. What's worse is that you are the only woman in the office and thus in a much more vulnerable position than a woman surrounded by other women.

It's unfortunate that you were startled into answering. The only correct answer, other than a cold stare, is a polite version of "none of your @#$%^&*!! business,and if you ask me such an inappropriate question ever again, I'll slap you with a s*xual harrassment suit so fast you'll be whistling Dixie out of the back of your head."

Please be on your guard, and if you sense anything the least bit "off" ever again, consider filing a harassment complaint with your state's Commission on Human Rights or whatever it's called in your state. If there is a higher-up in the company than your boss, report to that person exactly what happened, and continue reporting--in writing, keeping copies--every time your boss steps out of line. YOU determine what constitutes stepping out of line. Keep a written log (at home) of anything your boss says or does that makes you uncomfortable, even if it sounds innocuous, like "Nice dress, Hildy." Make sure you re NEVER alone with him.

Let your boss know in no uncertain terms that what he is asking, saying or doing makes you uncomfortable, is illegal, and you want him to stop. Be firm and factual: "I am uncomfortable when you ask me personal questions and I want you to stop." "I am uncomfortable when you make remarks about my appearance and I want you to stop." "I am uncomfortable when you make s*xual jokes and I want you to stop." "I am uncomfortable when you stare at me and I want you to stop."

Make sure he knows you know it's illegal and that you will take action. Be firm and strong when you speak to him, and do NOT giggle nervously or smile in an effort to soften your words and protect his feelings. (Practice in front of a mirror if you must.) Doing so will effectively wipe out the impact of what you say, and he'll testify that he didn't think you were really distressed because you smiled and laughed.

I don't need to tell you to keep any conversation with your boss strictly business. Don't mention anything about your personal life, not even where you go to shul or that you plan to go away for Pesach. NADA. I say this not from a religious perspective such as is outlined in the booklet "9 to 5 A Guide to Modest Conduct for Today's Workplace" by Rabbi Shmuel Neiman , but from a common-sense, self-preservation, safety-in-the-workplace perspective. Your religious well-being concerns me not at all; your physical/mental well being concerns me very much.

And, honey--tell your husband. He has a right to know, and you shouldn't be suffering with this alone.

Amother b/c I had to ask my dd for the title of the book and it's all I need for her to google on the title, get linked to this site, and figure out my sn.

Posted: Thu, Nov 18 2010, 9:51 pm Post subject:

He does sound weird!
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Gold Member Joined: May 27 2010 Posts: 2142

I say keep us posted if anything else happens. It all depends on where he is coming from and where you are coming from. If you a regular BP/Lakewood sheltered BY girl, I understand the awkwardness..

But if he is your garden vareity anti-Charedi MO, he may be messing with you to see how you hold up under pressure. Especially if it is a company that deals with non jews, and not a heimishe mosdos. Or he might just be very very 'Harryish' and clueless...

Nah, its a chasidish office with only chasidish guys.. most of them are on the road for the majority of the day, so it boils down to boss and me in the office...

OP, I'd be very careful. I don't think this is so innocent. I've had too many experiences, and heard too many stories, that began like this.

Gold Member Joined: Jun 16 2009 Posts: 2082

Personallly, this sounds like just the begining. If someone has such Chutzpah in weeks 1 and 2, by weeks 3-4, there is no telling what will come out of his mouth.

I would Run. Quick!

op here. He's a forty year old guy! has an entire family! I'm twenty years old- he can almost be my father.... I wonder if he was trying to go down that line with me...
he sounds more like weirdo guy...