I'm Back

Posted: Thu, Nov 18 2010, 2:40 pm Post subject: I'm Back

Miss me? Angry with me? Whatever....here I am...My mom drove me back here. Here cancer is back again and yes while I am asking for Tehilim I'm also asking for something else.

First the Tehiliim Masha Aaron Bat Bluma Batya.

Second, this time she is down, way down and admits it. Emotionally she is busted and sad and afraid and feeling helpless and like she can't help anyone else. OK, like all daughter's I have issues with mom. But she is really a good person and has tried to help others, and is normally strong.

So what do I want?

Jokes. Funny stories. Things that will make her LAUGH!

Got em give em. UP UP UP jokes. No gallows humor.

Thanks.
Hi again.
_________________
But then again, I'm a dragon.
"The best way to keep a prisoner from escaping is to make sure he never knows he�s in prison."
� Fyodor Dostoevsky (via cosmic-rebirth)

Posted: Thu, Nov 18 2010, 2:45 pm Post subject: re: I'm Back

Welcome back, you were missed. I don't have any jokes but please know that I will daven for her and she should have a complete and speedy refuah shelaimah!!
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Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.
- Abraham Lincoln

Posted: Thu, Nov 18 2010, 2:48 pm Post subject: re: I'm Back

Thank you! She really does appreciate the prayers...it made her feel so much better knowing people were davening for her.

Silver Member Joined: Aug 17 2008 Posts: 938

Refuah Sheleimah for your mom & welcome back
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Platinum Member Joined: Mar 12 2009 Posts: 13338

Platinum Member Joined: Nov 01 2009 Posts: 8303

Welcome back. Refuah shelaima.
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Gold Member Joined: Jul 31 2009 Posts: 1244

Welcome back! I wish it was better circumstances and a refuah shlaimah to your mom.

I have a joke for you and her!

A polar bear cub is in the kitchen with his mother, and he asks her
"Mama? Am I a polar bear?" His mother looks at him and smiles whilst she answers,
"Of course you are! I'm a polar bear and your Daddy is a polar bear, so you are too."

"Ok," he answers and goes outside to play. A short time later he comes back in to his
mother and asks, "Mama? Are you sure that I'm a polar bear?" His mother looks down
to him again, smiles, and answers "Darling, I am sure you are a polar bear! I am, and your Daddy is also.
Your grandmothers and grandfathers are ALL polar bears too. We are all polar bears!"

"Ok," he answers sounding just a bit unconvinced, as he heads back outside to play. He rushes back into
the house in practically no time and asks his mother again, this time with wide eyes, "Mama, you are 100%
positive I am 100% a polar bear?"

His mother was becoming a bit worried and so she hugged him and said, "Sweetie, you are 100% polar bear! Mama and Daddy are, all your grandparents and aunts and uncles are, your brothers and sister, all of your cousins...we are all 100% polar bear! Why do you keep asking?"

He glances outside and then looks up at her and says, "Mama, I'm freezing!"

Laughing

I hope you liked it! It always makes me smile!

Diamond Member Joined: Mar 29 2005 Posts: 3649

Refuah Shlaimah. Sorry, fresh out of jokes right now.

Gold Member Joined: Mar 04 2009 Posts: 2245

I was wondering where you were. Welcome back. Wishing your mother a speedy recovery! I wish I had some jokes....but to be brutally honest....that is NOT my forte.

Posted: Thu, Nov 18 2010, 3:44 pm Post subject: re: I'm Back

Welcome back and refuah shleima. Of course I will daven for your mother.

As for jokes, I will look for some. Hang in there.
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"Olam Chessed Yiboneh", Tehilim 89.

Posted: Thu, Nov 18 2010, 3:48 pm Post subject: Re: re: I'm Back

Executive Member Joined: Sep 14 2009 Posts: 464

Here goes:

A Jewish man was having a conversation with an Asian man.

Asian: We have very wise people in my culture, which goes back 4000 years. Your culture also has wise people. How far back does it go?

Jew: 5000 years.

Asian: So what did your people eat for the first 1000 years??????

Refuah Shlaima to your mother, and I hope Hashem gives you and your family the strength to help your mother thru this ordeal.

Posted: Thu, Nov 18 2010, 4:59 pm Post subject: re: I'm Back

Ironically, the theme from "Welcome Back, Kotter" came on as I read your post!! A sign!

Welcome back! I'll think of a joke and repost...

Gold Member Joined: Jul 31 2009 Posts: 1244

Posted: Thu, Nov 18 2010, 5:23 pm Post subject: re: I'm Back

yes , I did miss you

and refua shelaima for your mother

Platinum Member Joined: Nov 04 2008 Posts: 8180

An employee to his boss: "You have to raise my salary! Three companies are already interested in me!"
"Really? Which ones?"
"Telephone, gas, and electric."

Two people who have never seen each other are deciding where to meet.
"Let's meet near the Times Square subway station at eight am on Monday. How will you look?"
"Very bad."

Ilya Muromets, the hero of Russian folklore, lay on the stove for thirty-three years. Then his internet got disconnected.

A friend of my friend's, at passport control in Israel, under "occupation" wrote "for it!"

A man is praying, "Hashem, what should I do? How should I live? What is the meaning of life?" Suddenly a Torah falls from the sky and a voice proclaims, "Read the FAQ!"

"If I left you for another man, would you be sorry?"
"Why would I be sorry for another man?"

Okay, maybe Russian jokes don't translate so well Smile

(I chose the most "international" ones).

Here's a story I liked, it happened to someone I actually know a little, so I can vouch for its authenticity Smile

He saw a sign in the lobby of his building, "Dear fellow citizens, this morning I lost 120 rubles [about $4]. If you find it, please bring it to apt 76, Antonina Petrovna. My monthly pension is 1640 rubles [about $55]."
Of course he immediately went up to her apartment, handed her 120 rubles, and told her he'd found them. She refused to accept the money. That morning, he was already the sixth Smile

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Gold Member Joined: Oct 12 2009 Posts: 1479

This is a pretty popular joke, but maybe you haven't heard it.

A Vietnamese was on a plane with a Jew, talking. The Jew says to the Vietnamese "Didn't the Vietnamese bomb Pearl Harbor?". The vietnamese exclaims "No! those were the Japanese!". The Jew says "What's the difference, Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese, they're all the same". The Vietnamese says to the Jew "But didn't a jew sink the Titanic?". The Jew says "No! It was an iceberg!". The Vietnamese says "Iceberg, Greenberg, Goldberg, they're all the same"...

I'll think of more and post, iy"H. Refuah shilaima to your mother, and welcome back!

Platinum Member Joined: Jan 23 2008 Posts: 9074

Glad your departure was brief, sorry about the reason for your return. Here's one:

A little girl is having a discussion with her teacher about whales. Teacher says it's impossible for a whale to swallow a man, its throat is too small.

The little girl says, "Well a whale swallowed Jonah."

Teacher says again it's impossible.

Little girl says, "When I get to Heaven I'll ask Jonah all about it."

The teacher asks, "What if he's in hell?"

Little girl: "Well, you can ask him."

Posted: Fri, Nov 19 2010, 1:12 am Post subject: re: I'm Back

Thanks everyone, for both prayers and jokes. I know my mom will feel better just knowing she is being thought about. Positive thinking are helpful to healing and dealing with the whole chemo nausea exhausted process...so you are all really helping to save my mom's life.

Really, the only good jokes I know are the elephant jokes and the Jewish mom and a lightbulb that needs changing.

Thanks,

love you all.

Gold Member Joined: Jul 21 2010 Posts: 1728

I will definitely have her in my prayers. Iyh we should hear good news soon. And welcome back!

Now for the jokes:

Two confirmed bachelors were sitting and talking. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. "I got a cookbook once," said the first, "but I could never do anything with it."

"Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?" asked the second.

"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - 'Take a clean dish and...'"

*************************************************************************************

Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company.

They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the Department manager.

Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions.

The manager went to the first applicant and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant."

"And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct," asked the rejected applicant.

"We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the Department manager.

"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired.

"Simple," said the Department manager, "Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'"

**********************************************************************************

A gentleman walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan. So the gentleman hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the gentleman returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The gentleman replied, "Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?"