My 11 yr. old constantly putting his 8 yr. old brother down

I'm so saddened by the way my 11 yr. old DS is constantly putting my 8 yr. old DS down.

Examples of things he says,

- you're so stupid! you don't know anything!
- you look like a monkey, a pig etc...
- if the younger one comes home from school with a %100 on his test, the older brother will say something like: Oh, it's nothing! anyone can get a 100, it must have been real easy!!!! you're dumb!!!

I feel like crying! I beg him to stop, and he just won't close his mouth.
(I've tried speaking to him privately about it, explaining to him how serious it is how he treats his brother, and that it's not acceptable, but he just ignores me, and continues doing it, with a big smile on his face)

arggggggg!!!!

Silver Member Joined: May 22 2008 Posts: 971

That must be really tough for you, as their mother to see.

I have a couple of questions:

1. Is the 8 year old much smarter then the 11 year old or much slower?

2. Does this happen with any of the other siblings?

Amother 2:

I could have written your post word for word except ds1 is 13. This has been going on for years, since ds2 was 3 (ds1 loved him as a baby). I wish I had advice and I will be following this thread. The best thing I have found is just to try and keep them on different schedules to keep them apart as much as possible Sad

. I also try and praise them both a lot, when the other isn't around. But it hasn't helped. Sad

I believe it is a self-esteem issue with ds1 who feels "important" to put ds2 down. He is about to start a group for emotional intelligence, I hope it will help.

OP here.

To answer your questions:

1) The 8 yr. old is not smarter than the 11 yr. old, I would say they're the same.

2) I don't really think so. He just picks on him all the time!!!!

Gold Member Joined: Mar 04 2009 Posts: 2236

I would consistently send my kid to time out every single time they put down the other.

I might also say out loud for them both to hear..."Younger brother feels very hurt when you older son who he respects is putting him down" Also I would say, "That is not true, younger brother is a very handsome kid etc." So as to stick up for his pride.

A zero tolerance for put downs might make all the difference.

I would also balance it out by spending some extra time with older son and nurturing him or having fun whatever. I personally find that whenever I'm more nervous with my oldest it filters down and she takes it out on my younger ones. The calmer I am with her, the kinder she is to her sibs.

Senior Member Joined: Sep 02 2010 Posts: 159

We have the same problem in my house. I don't have any good answers, but I do notice that it happens more when my older one is unhappy in general.

Sneakermom's last paragraph? True.