Spinoff- Jewish groups where full time help is normal

I'm starting not to feel so bad about maybe leaving my 4 year old for a few days, when I have been with my child every day till now...

But seriously, help is common - in California, Flatbush, South Africa, Canada, Mexico, some in Har Nof and Beit Shemesh...

And no help at all is common too, in Israel.

Funny - DH and I were just talking about money and what our priorities would be if we had some more coming in. I said 'cleaning lady' because I HATE cleaning, and also I'm bad at it (my mom was one of those who cleaned up after everyone, so I didn't learn until I was out of the house) and DH said 'babysitter'... we have a 2-year-old and a 6-month-old and it's kind of a handful at times with both of them.

I told him that I was fine with the craziness of taking care of both kids at once. The bigger help to me would be someone to clean.. and a few bucks to get some take-out.

I'm just afraid I'm going to step into the kitchen to make a coffee and when I come back, my toddler will be leaving for yeshivah and my baby will be walking around and talking and asking me to take him to his friends' house. It goes by so fast, I wouldn't miss it.

Diamond Member Joined: Feb 02 2006 Posts: 4769

Diamond Member Joined: Feb 02 2006 Posts: 4769

people have different tolerance levels, both physically and emotionally.

something considered a luxury for some, might be a necessity for others.

I have a hard time taking care of my own needs, as well as the needs of my household.

Diamond Member Joined: Feb 02 2006 Posts: 4769

Diamond Member Joined: Jun 09 2009 Posts: 3231

I live in a community where it is extremely common to have full time live in/out help. Most nannies do all the light cleaning, laundry, food prep (like peeling, chopping) and some child care. Mothers do carpool, actual cooking, lots of volunteer work, lots of shlepping their kids to afterschool activities, homework, bedtime. They spend time with their kids but don't have to be overwhelmed with so much at a time. For example, some of my friends will take their kids to the park but leave the baby with the nanny. Or volunteer to serve lunch at their childs school. Or do an art project with a toddler while nanny takes baby to the park. Cooking is a breeze when all the veggies are peeled and chopped up and the chicken is cleaned and skinned and sinks full of dishes magically disappear.
I personally don't have full time help and don't want it. I wouldn't be able to handle someone underfoot all day. But I once was staying at a relative who had a nanny. I took my kids to the beach and came home with three cranky, sandy, filthy kids. I was starting to wonder how I would handle getting eveyone bathed and fed without losing my mind. I walked in and the nanny took one look at us, whisked the baby off and I was left with the older two. I bathed them and was starting to dress them when she reappeared with a bathed, dressed and calm kid. Then I started to wonder why I don't have a nanny!

Silver Member Joined: Apr 28 2009 Posts: 831

did not read any responses yet.

here, in california full time help is absoultely the norm. even for families where money is a little tight (though very tight do cut back). I am a sahm mom with 2 kids and help 4-5 days a week. and, I feel like I need it. you want to know why? because I was raised exactly this way with full time help and this is what I consider normal. yes I am thankful for my life.

Gold Member Joined: Apr 11 2008 Posts: 1450

I think it's so, so wrong for some poster to say that having full time help with "only" two kids and a SAHM is "unnecessary" and "spoiled". Just because YOU don't need or want it doesn't mean other people can't have it if they can afford it, or if they feel they need it.

I don't have any children yet, but if I could afford it (and iy''H, I plan on being a SAHM the second my husband starts earning a salary) I would hire F/T cleaning help and a nanny in a flash. I could find more than enough stuff to fill my time, and I would be so much relaxed knowing that the cleaning is taken care of.

I'm even trying to budget cleaning help once a week now, because I work full time with a long commute and if my house isn't clean I go crazy.

Silver Member Joined: Apr 28 2009 Posts: 831

oooohkaaayyyy

I read through the posts and I see what the deal is: other posters are picturing a nanny style system where the SAHM ditches the kids to get manicures all day long got it.

Gold Member Joined: Sep 13 2010 Posts: 2118

Gold Member Joined: Sep 13 2008 Age: 39 Posts: 2031

My deal was with the woman who said it was "impossible" to live without full time help on the original posts. Also, the woman who said she grew up that way so she feels she also needs to have help.

Full disclosure: I am a Zionist! I think Jews belong in Israel. I hear too many people who say they would move to Israel, but they can't live without this thing or that thing. So, you should have the mindset that you don't "need" a luxury - you "want" it. My definition of a luxury - would bituach leumi be covering this service for you in Israel? If not, it's a luxury.

If you can afford a luxury, it is wonderful to take advantage of it. But if you get into a situation where you forget how to function without a luxury, there might be a day where you have to leave those things behind, and you can't. Isn't that what happened with the majority of Jews during the Exodus... and several Jews in the '30s in Europe?

Diamond Member Joined: May 24 2007 Posts: 4622

ok didn't read this whole thread but tell me where I can move to....

I'm ready....

(dh jokes that he wants 6 at a time and I joke back - only if I get 6 maids)

no offense to anyone - I'm just tired, working and know when my kids come home I have to tackle food,kids, house laundry..
I guess I'll go back to work now - B"H my kids are in school and babysitter by a babysitter. (I'm looking at my positives)

Platinum Member Joined: Sep 22 2004 Posts: 9754

amother from South Africa:
I could write a thesis on the topic. I am a former South African living in Brazil.(both countries with full time help affordable) The closeness of the S African community has NOTHING to do with the maids. Here people have maids too and davka because of the maids are not close. People here are very insular DAVKA bc of the maids---no one needs each other bc , you know the maid will do it. People here are very stressed out and running the rat race keeping ridiculously high lifestyle standards.(maybe its bc they don�t have the fresh air, gardens and pools of SA, most are apartment dwellers)
[Thats another thing people, people with maids have very high standards to keep up with . not necessarily a good thing]
and I never saw in SA people use the maids for childcare as I see here.
and Shalhevet? South Africa is reknowned for their chesed. Brazil where I live has very little like it even with maids. SA has an amazing Hatzola organization, Glatt kosher massive old age home, orphanage , Chevra Kadisha social services and on and on (SA amother can fill in for me) and Yes, people are very involved in Chesed.