Would you force your child to eat?

my 8 year old son has some behavioral issues and is very stubborn. He is an extremely picky eater, mainly subsisting on bread, pasta, eggs, and cheese. The only kind of chicken he will touch is fried chicken cutlets (shnitzel) and even that he'll do me a favor and eat a small amount.

Tonight my dh was home during supper. I served my kids clear chicken soup with lokshen and croutons, that he ate. then I gave them fresh barbeque chicken , rice and leftover cherry pie from yom tov, I was reading them a story, and my I told them I'm only reading if they eat their chicken, which they did, except for 8 y.o. son. he ate his cherry pie, and said he'll eat his chicken after. anyway sorry for the rambling, my dh was watching and as soon as he finished his cherry pie, I told him to take a bite of his chicken, and he refused.... to make a long story short, my dh got mad, and really tried to force him to eat just one bite, (they are both seriously stubborn) and son refused.... the end of the story is, that dh is mad at son, mad at me for giving in.... says son always gets his way.... blah, blah... am I wrong? should I be shoving food down his throat? Wwyd????

Diamond Member Joined: Apr 27 2006 Age: 30 Posts: 2535

talk to your dr, see what he says. before you go, maybe write down some of the typical foods your DS does eat regularly to get a clear picture of his nutritional intake.

My 3 yr old DD only eats on special occasions. I have no idea how her body grows its definitely a Neis since hardly any food is doing is contributing to her growth. whenever I spoke to dr about it, he said not to force it, as long as she has ONE healthy meal a day its ok. even if its a really small meal. I can't even say she does that but a relative told me a kid of hers had one healthy meal a week and dr said its fine. kid is now a full grown mom of 3, healthy as a horse.

as long as he's not just fiiling up on nosh = empty calories, it should be ok.

also, with one of my picky kids, I ask them what they want me to make them for supper. if its junky, I'll say pick something else and they do. I find that by giving them a say as to what supper will be encoureages them to eat better.

also, if he only likes cherry pie, so maybe do a whole grain, whole wheat with fresh cherries minimal margerine type of thing.

Posted: Sun, Sep 12 2010, 7:14 pm Post subject:

There are kids that are very picky when they are young. Then they grow up the same picky and it gets hard. They go places and won't touch anything, won't eat what their poor newly married wife makes for him...and there is resentment. You can't teach a grown man to start being unpicky but you can work on a child when they are still young. I have picky kids but the rule is-you must take three bites of whatever is on you plate if you want dessert. If you don't eat supper all you can have is vegetable sticks or a fruit until bedtime. There are ways of working of getting picky kids to eat new foods.
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I don't believe in forcing kids to eat what they don't want. In the long run it rarely works.

Often kids eat what is good for them, unless they have been brought up on junk. Doesn't sound like your son has been a junk eater so maybe he is just eating what he body needs. But...

You want them to eat something nutritious. Get your doctor to send you to a nutritionist who will teach you what they can get their minerals/vitamins/etc. from.

My kids hate peppers. I don't drink orange juice for vitamin C but eat peppers instead. They drink orange juice.

I have one vegetarian kid and she has been so for ages. I get my protein from chickens and meat. She gets hers from eggs and white cheese.

I have one kid who doesn't eat dairy. Most people get calcium from dairy. He gets his from green leafy vegetables. If he didn't he would take calcium supplements if necessary.

Get the picture?

You say he eats bread, pasta, eggs and cheese. That's great! that means he is getting his carbs (make sure if you can that they are whole wheat and not white flour junk) and his protein and his calcium.

A bit of schnitzl? Also fine.

But what is missing are fruits and veggies and that's really important. Will he drink orange juice? That will give him vitamin C. What about a carrot cake? Apricots? he needs orange things for vitamin A. Lettuce is important for vitamin K etc. So try to work on fruits and veg, actually if he won't eat cooked veggies and he eats cheese maybe make a cheese dip for him with veggie sticks (like carrot and cucumber sticks) and let him swirl it around and eat some that way.

Hatzlocho!
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op, similar situation here.
If he's a picky eater, why is he deserving pie before dinner??!!

We use incentives to eat. Dessert is one kind of reward.

Force feeding backfires!!
Try to offer foods he likes, if possible.
Or try masking healthy foods in foods he likes : whole wheat bread, or mashed sweet potato (or butternut squash) into mac n cheese, pureed spinach into tomato sauce in pizza, etc..,
You can try making/presenting the food another way: cucumber sticks wheels, spears. carrot "eyes" or sticks, pepper rings/ bracelets.

Be a car salesman - sell the food!

And be an example - eat it yourself!

Platinum Member Joined: Dec 27 2007 Posts: 7253

I would never force feed anyone. Neither would I allow dessert to a child who didn't eat the regular meal.

I once ran a daycare and served government-paid for meals to the kids and the government ladies who came and checked on what I made taught me an important lesson.

Here it is: Your job is to put healthy, appetizing food on their plates and then walk away. Their job is to decide if they want to eat it or be hungry.

I took that lesson very seriously. I make one supper and I put a little bit on everybody's plate. If you don't like the supper I made, there's always breakfast tomorrow morning.

That's not 100% true. For an older child who asks politely, I will allow him or her to make a peanut butter sandwich after everyone else has eaten and left the table. Other than that, nothing.

The kids very quickly learned that this is not Mommy's Restaraunt where you get to order your own unique dinner. They eat what is given, they trade with each other for foods they like best and sometimes, they quietly make their own peanut butter sandwich after supper is over.

Platinum Member Joined: Dec 27 2007 Posts: 7253

But to help OP a bit more:

You can try the good old make-supper-for-a-week trick.

I did this once, had both the older kids plan out menus for the entire week and cook them with some help. They got interested in the food they made very quickly and they also understood fast that another kid whining about not liking food that you made is disrespectful and really hurts.

Diamond Member Joined: Jun 09 2009 Posts: 3231

I eat like your son and let me tell you, I grew up miserable because of it. However, forcing food might make it worse. You want to get him to LIKE eating new foods, not to eat a bite because you forced him. I know I would never eat a food again if I was forced to eat it before I was comfortable trying it.

I have a child who was also picky. My rule is- she must have a balanced meal on her plate at supper. She does not need to eat the foods that she can't stand, and she cannot eat anything that is not part of our supper menu. She must choose something with nutrition to eat from her plate if she wants dessert. Her only other option is to starve. She has gone from eating only bread and potatoes to LOVING meat and chicken, because it was on her plate. She got used to it.

Fruits and vegetables are still hard for her but there are some she will allow on her plate, and some that she will even lick before throwing it out. None that she eats happily, but we're working on it.

So no, I wouldn't force eating, but I wouldn't either just let him eat the few foods that he likes.

Gold Member Joined: Aug 11 2010 Posts: 1295

I think Marina is on the money.

You make good food. Your child eats a bit of each item or not, as he chooses. However, dessert (leftovers or not) gets served ONLY to a child who eats some of each food. And, if supper is not completed, no food afterward. Of course, you need to provide reasonable portion sizes, and it does make sense to try to cook mostly the foods that the children like - AS LONG AS THERE IS SUFFICIENT NUTRITION. So, if the children don't like any decent sources of protein, that's not going to fly. But they don't have to get protein from ground beef; chicken, eggs and fish are perfectly good substitutes.

I think you have another issue as well, though. How do you tell the children that they can only have X if they do Y and then allow one child to actually get X, without doing Y first? How do you allow a child to tell you "I will do A" and then have him refuse to do it? This is not a food issue at all. It IS a potentially serious behavior issue.

Gold Member Joined: Mar 30 2008 Posts: 1426

Marina and worlds best mom, you both said something like that the kids shouldnt get dessert unless they eat their food.

I also agree, but then I also read somewhere that it isnt good to give food/dessert - especially sweet things, as a reward. dessert should just be a matter of fact part of the meal, not a reward. problem is I dont know how to convey this to my fussy eater, as "you'll only get dessert once you've eaten at least half the food on your plate" is the same as saying " if you eat what you dont like, I'll give you what you do like"

how do you balance this and give the right message? I know my fussy eater obsesses about dessert, and I dont like that she'll eat something she really doesnt like, almost gagging on it, to get her dessert. I dont make or give her foods I know she'll davka hate, the problem is one day she'll like the chicken, and the next time she'll say its making her sick.

help!

We don't have dessert during the week, we barely have it on shabbos. So what do you do with a picky eater then? When it's not a child who wants the cake or pie but one who just hates something you are feeding them? Take it seriously. Kids bodies often know what's good for them. A child who eats NO fruit at all and NO vegetables at all is something else, but it's a rarity at a certain age already. There is always one or two fruits they eat - a banana, grapes, melon, an apple, cherries, blueberries, oranges, mango, peaches, pears, persimmons, kiwi, the list is endless and full of vitamins, not only sugar. Banana has great potassium. Mango, oranges, kiwi and melon have vitamin c. Berries are anti oxidants etc. Many kids hate veggies but eat fruit, So let them eat fruit. Very little they can't get from fruit that veggies give them other than the vitamin K in lettuce.

Posted: Mon, Sep 13 2010, 6:36 am Post subject:

I make carrot cake, zucchini cake, banana nut 'bread'.

However my kids also eat raw fruit and veggie.

My youngest brother went through a phase where all he'd eat were meatballs and spaghetti so my mom made 5 lbs of meatballs and froze them into individual portions.
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You say he has behavioral issues? Relax with the food. You will have enough battles to fight. Believe me, been there, done that. I have one son who is vegetarian and also has a whole host of other things he won't eat for all sorts of reasons unknown to me (some of them veering on the OCD). I ignore the whole thing. I have so many other things to deal with.

Gold Member Joined: Apr 06 2006 Posts: 1492

If you are dealing with behavorial issues and stubborn personalities, BACK OFF with the food fights. Focusing your attention on the issue is guaranteed to backfire, because it will move from being a matter of listening to his own hunger signals to using food as a way of asserting control.

Here's what I did with my extremely picky 8 yr old:

1. Eliminate foods that are complete junk, because they will fill your child up with empty calories.

2. At 8, they are old enough to learn about basic nutrition. You can get a basic government nutrition chart for kids, and explain what each type of food does for our body.

3. Have your child identify foods that he will eat from each food group. Do this at a calm time, NOT at a meal.

4. Each Sunday, make your menu for the week. My kids know that they can choose their own healthy meals IF they request it on Sunday. After that, the shopping is done, the menu is set, and changes cannot be accommodated.

5. An 8 yr old can also help with food preparation, to get him involved and to make things easier for you.

6. As Marina said, once you serve the meal, your job is done. It's the child's job to decide how much to eat.

The menu planning, I find, is really important. It eliminated fights by making it clear that each meal wasn't a new opportunity for debate. It also teaches my kids valuable life skills about healthy eating and household management. Force feeding teaches nothing.

Ok wise ladies, can you help me too?
Say I serve dd her dinner plate with a realistic portion size. She eats 2 bites and then she is done.
I keep cut up fruits and veggies on the table after supper, so she can, and does, indulge in that.
Then she takes a bath and gets ready for bed, and suddenly she tells me she's hungry. And she is. I offer her more supper. She says no. She cries because she is hungry. She is. (Of course she askes for ice cream, and I tell her no, she didn't finish her supper, so she tells me that she's not hungry and that her stomach hurts from supper (she has reflux and is on medication), but she wants ice cream. THAT is not going to hurt her stomach. (Brilliant argument on her end, no? Wink

)
What do you suggest I do to fix this situation which repeats itself over and over again? (I am used to feeding her and distracting her because she was underweight and off the charts for quite some time, bH she is ON the charts now even if she's in the low percentiles), but at age 4, I know that I shouldn't be feeding her or convincing her to eat.)
Advice please?
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Silver Member Joined: Apr 26 2010 Posts: 983 Location: NJ

Thanks mamaleh! Your post reminded me that after I spoke to someone about this, she suggested that since dd can only eat a little bit of food at a time, and I end up giving her food twice, I should just schedule 2 dinners into our nightly schedule, so that it becomes routine, and nobody has to get frustrated.
It works. IF I have 2 different dinners. Lately I have been just offering her the same food again later on, and that does not work, as dd is not interested in eating more of the same foods again.
Thanks for helping me through this thought process! So now my question is:
Do I serve protein first, and then the side dish for the second dinner? (veggies on a plate later to snack on.)
Or do I really prepare 2 separate suppers? This ends up being hard for me, and then I find myself serving junk like hot dogs or cold cuts for one of the dinners.

Silver Member Joined: Apr 26 2010 Posts: 983 Location: NJ

Platinum Member Joined: Oct 27 2005 Posts: 6748

I also agree with marina (eat, starve or take sandwich/cereal by yourself) & with flowerpower (one real bite of all new/not often foods) But your husband is right that you gave in, you told him he had to eat it and then didnt follow through - also no good.