Why Is the responsibility for Relations on the Man

Posted: Wed, Aug 11 2010, 6:16 pm Post subject:

I'm still curious about the physical pain in women thing.
What kind of pain is that?
_________________
Certified Childbirth Educator
Certified Pregnancy Massage Therapist
Certified Doula

Posted: Wed, Aug 11 2010, 6:22 pm Post subject:

I'm wondering - physical *need* or physical *desire*?

Posted: Wed, Aug 11 2010, 6:25 pm Post subject:

Posted: Wed, Aug 11 2010, 6:27 pm Post subject:

And I'm still hoping to hear more about the *need* Smile

Posted: Wed, Aug 11 2010, 6:34 pm Post subject:

Posted: Wed, Aug 11 2010, 6:35 pm Post subject:

Posted: Wed, Aug 11 2010, 6:39 pm Post subject:

Posted: Wed, Aug 11 2010, 6:43 pm Post subject:

I am the previous amother who questioned the meaning of onah, as in, what does it mean EXACTLY? My husband seems to have a very low libido, although he insists that he doesn't. I am not going to get into all the ins and outs of our relationship in this thread, but suffice it to say our intimate relationship has never been good for various reasons. He has never really made me feel wanted, and I don't really get pleasure out of intimacy, so between the two, we don't really have either quality or quantity. I do believe that it is his job to both make me feel wanted and to make it enjoyable for me. It's not that he hasn't tried, but nothing seems to do the trick. I know that it's a two-way street, and I really have tried to "enjoy" intimacy even though I don't get anything physical out of it. (I don't want this post to be removed or the thread to be locked, so I'm trying to be tznius here, I hope I'm understood.)
But this thread really struck a chord b/c I am constantly feeling resentful towards him, I believe with good reason, b/c I DO feel it's his responsibility to make it pleasurable to me. I have begged him time and time again to see a "relations therapist" with me. He is not a big believer in therapy in general and therefore not a good candidate for it. Of course if I made an actual appointment and "dragged" him there, he would go along with it, but halfheartedly at best.
At this point I am ready to totally give up on intimacy. I have spent the better part of my marriage (nearly 15 years) being depressed and miserable about this and have been to individual therapy, (for other marital issues, not specifically intimacy) but I don't think it's the type of thing that a regular therapist can help with, especially without my husband's participation. Since he seems to be fine "going without" for long periods of time (no, I don't think it's normal, but that's how it is) and he told me years ago that me initiating in any way (yes, I know there have been many threads about "hints," special words/clothes etc.) is a major turn off for him, I'm really about ready to just give up entirely. I have explained this to him and I would never turn him down, I'm the opposite of all these posters whose husbands are always after them and they are having to "fight them off." But at this point he has told me he does not want to be intimate with me b/c he knows I am not enjoying it and he feels like he's violating me/using me by doing it.
Sorry if this post is long and rambling, I am really at my wits' end and don't know if there's any hope for me/us.

Posted: Wed, Aug 11 2010, 9:33 pm Post subject:

I don't think that there is any connection between the man's obligations to provide for his wife's satisfaction and the issue of who initiates the act.

in fact, I have heard several times at different shiurim that it is praiseworthy for the wife to entice her husband and initiate the connection.

Silver Member Joined: Nov 08 2009 Posts: 732

Because of the women we were liberated from mitzrayim. The women made themselves beautiful for their husbands that worked very hard and the mirrors they used to beautify themselves were used for the kiyor in the mishkon.