Heter for music during Aveilus?

Posted: Sun, Aug 01 2010, 3:16 pm Post subject: Heter for music during Aveilus?

Anybody know if there are circumstances in which one could listen to music during aveilus? I'm only about halfway through the year and it's really getting long... I have no kids so when I'm at home alone it gets sooo quiet, and I have always been the kind of person who listens to music in the background while I do anything, but especially to help my mood. Which I guess is why you're not supposed to have it during aveilus but gosh it's hard. I don't really know any other ways to self-soothe.

Of course I would have to ask my LOR but I'm wondering what to ask, if anyone knows what kind of approach might help.

BTW I am so not the type of person who goes looking for heteirim on anything. This is just getting so so hard that if there is a way around it I at least want to know.

Platinum Member Joined: Jan 01 2006 Posts: 48156

You're talking about taped music, right? How are you with not going to simchas ?

Yes, taped music because I need it most at home. Going to simchas is ok, I don't really get a big kick out of it, I'm not such a social butterfly. I was told by our family rav that if my husband wants me to come to a simcha with him I should, so we did that for a couple of weddings of close family members. The first time was really uncomfortable, the whole time I just felt like I shouldn't be there, but I guess that just shows that it wasn't wanton heter abuse and I wasn't about to forget my aveilus or anything... next wedding is in a while so I figure it's long enough after the loss that I think I will be able to let go a little more. But it still doesn't help for the day-to-day music that I miss. It's the quiet in my house... car... head... And DH isn't musical at all so it's not like he's going to turn on music for himself when he's home and I can just enjoy it. (I remember when my father was an aveil and I was still living at home, he said I didn't need to worry about playing music when he was around because it wasn't a problem for him to happen to hear if I was playing for myself. I guess that goes along with my wedding thing, I'm going for DH but not really enjoying it much. But anyway I am alone at home most of the time (when I'm home, that is. Or in the car.) Nobody to play music for other than myself. Sad

Platinum Member Joined: Jan 01 2006 Posts: 48156

What about a radio news show or a taped torah lecture? You can have entertainment that's not music you know.

Yes, many rabbonim will tell you it's OK to listen to music during aveilus if it'll help your mood immensely. Definitely discuss it with your rav. It isn't so outlandish to have this need.
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Live the life you want to live. Be the person you want to remember. Make decisions. Make mistakes. If you failed, at least you tried.
~~~~~
I don't claim to know everything, nor do I think my opinion rules. It's just that - an opinion. Smile

the Halachos of Aveilus are very dependant on each individual person and circumstance.
(my bil said the sefer "Halachos in death and mourning" should be renamed "suggestions in death and mourning")
ASK, ASK, ASK!
Every situation is so different, and every month is so different. Your Rav will not think this is wierd, this is a very normal question.

BTw, there is a forum for those who lost someone that you can join. I find it very helpful, and e/o there is in "the club".