Should I mention her loss?

Posted: Mon, Jul 26 2010, 2:27 pm Post subject: should I mention her loss?

I have to call someone that I didn't speak to in a year. In the meantime, she lost a young child. Should I say anything about it or not?

Posted: Mon, Jul 26 2010, 2:30 pm Post subject: re: should I mention her loss?

I would avoid it, If that person mentions something about it then you have the green light to continue.

Hatzlocha!!

Posted: Mon, Jul 26 2010, 3:15 pm Post subject:

I don't see how you can avoid it.

Platinum Member Joined: Aug 12 2007 Posts: 14243

I think it depends on whether you are calling in on a business or social/personal matter. If it's business, I'd keep it business unless she brought the issue up. If it's social, after preliminary niceties, you can say something along the lines of "I heard of your loss and would like to extend my condolences".
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Posted: Mon, Jul 26 2010, 3:34 pm Post subject: re: should I mention her loss?

It's a business related issue, but she's a frum woman and it was an informal business relationship. I actually went to school with her for a short time. I would have gone to be menachem avel, but I don't live in the same city as her anymore and I didn't feel close enough to pay a shiva call by phone.

Executive Member Joined: Nov 02 2009 Posts: 345

The "don't say anything" school sometimes seems to think that the person won't remember their loss unless you mention it. Not likely. You have to guage the situation, but I'd be inclined to say very briefly, I heard about your loss, I'm so sorry. Then, if she takes to opening to talk about it, fine, but she can also just say thank you and move on. Otherwise I think it's uncomfortable. Do you know, but are not saying anything? Do you know but not care? Should SHE bring it up? AT the moment it may be easier to not say anything, but that can leave it hanging forever. If it were me, I'd be grateful to have my loss out in the open, and then move on.

Diamond Member Joined: Aug 26 2007 Posts: 3412

I don't know if this helps, but I read an article written by a mother who lost a child (lo aleinu) and she said she was sad that no one would talk to her about it, that it was the "elephant in the room."

Posted: Wed, Aug 11 2010, 1:21 am Post subject: re: should I mention her loss?

Of course you mention it! Depending on how comfortable you feel with her you can say anything from "I'm so sorry about your loss" to something a little more comforting. To ignore it is positively rude.
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Silver Member Joined: Oct 26 2009 Posts: 955

Platinum Member Joined: May 22 2005 Posts: 10360

A few years ago a neighbor lost a child who was a young adult while I was away at camp. We were not close, but had taken an exercise class together previously. The next time I saw her I said simply, "I was so sorry to hear about your daughter". She thanked me very sincerely for saying something and it did seem to matter to her that I didn't just ignore it.
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