I think its Sooo RUDE WWYD?

Posted: Fri, Jul 16 2010, 1:03 pm Post subject: I think its Sooo RUDE WWYD?

I have a family member in the Neighborhood She has been married over a year now and is expecting her 2nd. but she is sooo irresponsible! She has NEVER cooked a meal in her life (wither her husband brings home from work or they do take out! and when it comes to shabbas 90% of the time they go away or eat out. Their Fridays are filled with running erronds HAVING BBQs ON THE BEACH! going swimming etc. She really sees it as her free day. ofen times I get a call from her how they really NEED to come to us for a meal because she didn't have time to figure out shabbos grrrrrrr. I think its sooo RUDE to be irresponsible with your time and then expect me to pick up your slack YES I have guest almost every week and YES we do have drop in guest once in a while but this is getting on my lest nerve.

today I told her no. She could not come (even though I have MORE than enough food.) She schedules 3 dr's appts today and need to go shopping for some things for the house and needs to run to the city etc. it just seems so RUDE of her to ask me all the time to take her in! Am I over reacting?

on another note she is ALWAYS late to the meals she DOES come to. IE I say lunch is at 12:00 she will show up at 12:30. we say we are making an early shabbos and eating at 7:40 she will call me at 6:00 and say they won't be ready because they have soo much to do and would I please move dinner back to later AHHH

how would you deal with her? Am I making something out of nothing or is she as rude as I think she is?

Diamond Member Joined: Nov 30 2009 Posts: 4951

if you call a meal for 12 then start at 12. and when they come say - oh we thought you must have found other plans. that should help...hopefully she will get the point

Only have them over if you are in the mood and want to. if not say im so sorry but this week just wont work out. if they dont always have you to fall back on then they may start making their own shabbos.

Its not your concern if she never makes supper or always eats out for shabbos- only when it concerns you.

Platinum Member Joined: Nov 01 2009 Posts: 8303

Just say no.

No explanation needed.

Can you move the meal back? No, please show up on time. If they aren't there, give them a ten minute grace period and then start without them.

Can we come last minute for a meal? No. Have a great Shabbos.

Done.
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Posted: Fri, Jul 16 2010, 1:27 pm Post subject:

I assume she must have some issues there since she can't manage her kitchen and time. What you can do is make a limit like once a month and she has to let you know two-three days in advance. Tell her you start the meal at ... o'clock and you expect her to be there then.
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Posted: Fri, Jul 16 2010, 1:27 pm Post subject: re: I think its Sooo RUDE WWYD?

I agree with the others. I also think that if you keep on accommodating her, you're enabling her. She needs to grow up and become responsible. I assume that with time, everyone will get fed up and she'll realize what's happening.
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Platinum Member Joined: Mar 07 2007 Posts: 10429

How she (mis)manages her time is none of your business so stop getting all indignant about that.

How she imposes upon you IS your business. As to that, what saw50st8s said. "Failure to plan on her part does not constitute an emergency on your part."

Platinum Member Joined: Jan 01 2006 Posts: 48224

If it's your sister, do your parents expect you to accomodate her? If it's a SIL, what does your dh and in your laws say ?

If you can afford it, and have the stomach for it, always prepare a little more, and if she comes, she comes. She has a husband, let him make kiddush for them when they come. Keep a box of matza in the house. Let them serve themselves. If they don't get soup b/c it's already off of the blech, too bad.

Posted: Fri, Jul 16 2010, 1:47 pm Post subject:

Diamond Member Joined: Nov 30 2009 Posts: 4951

well bite your good intentions and say yeah I guess you could survive on that.

Platinum Member Joined: Mar 07 2007 Posts: 10429

Silver Member Joined: Nov 03 2009 Posts: 585

It sounds like you need to make a decision and go with it. It's not your job to help her grow up - if her parents couldn't do it, how can you?
what does your dh think of all this? Sit down with him and maybe a Rav/mentor/friend, amd decide how you will go from here.
Either:
- set firm limits and stick to them, even tho it'll be soooo hard.
- continue what you've doing - letting them come whenever - BUT smile!!

you sound very conflicted in your posts, that's why I think you need to really decide how what to do.
either way, you should be soooo proud of yourself for all this Chessed!!

PS, if you don't want them to come every week and/or last minute, you could offer to give them some of your extra food, if you think that would be enough fro them. You could also write out your recipes, maybe even in a cute recipe book, and give to sil with a (true) smile: "here, I made this for you. Since you love my food so much, I prepared this so you can do it, too!"

good luck!

Gold Member Joined: Aug 27 2009 Posts: 1102

Posted: Fri, Jul 16 2010, 2:11 pm Post subject:

Gold Member Joined: May 19 2006 Posts: 1682

this lady sounds like a major flake and majorly clueless.

you can either accpet that this is who she is and continue having her over and just sigh at her "duh"ness.

you can say - hun, if you want to come over, then come help me cook on fri (and also lay down some other ground rules)

or you can say no, you cant, we need a break this shabbos and accept that she may eat chummus for shabbos. to be kind, you can call her a few days in advance to give her warning so she can get something together. you can even write a list for her to buy or just coach her with some general tips because at this point, she really may have no idea how to do shabbos and tips may help her in the future.

Diamond Member Joined: Apr 27 2006 Age: 30 Posts: 2549

do you have caller ID? can you just not pick up the phone one Friday and see what happens?