How NOT to spoil an only child?

Posted: Mon, Mar 15 2010, 2:26 pm Post subject: How NOT to spoil an only child?

Any tip appreciated!

That's a very broad question to answer. It would depend on your lifestyle, how old your child is and what you do or don't do.
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Diamond Member Joined: Oct 25 2007 Posts: 4853

It also depends on how you define "spoiling."

As an only child myself who, in turn, has five kids, k"ah, I've come to the conclusion that all kids are spoiled -- just in different ways!

On one hand, I had every possible economic advantage growing up. My parents lived relatively frugally and required me to do the same, but money was never, ever a problem. On the other hand, they had very, very high expectations for me. My high school memories include constantly calculating and re-calculating my GPA and doing everything I could to make sure I was accepted to somewhere prestigious enough to satisfy my parents. My mother was a bit of a perfectionist, too, and had very little tolerance for anything "childish." There was a lot of pressure on me to behave far beyond my years as well as perform at an advanced level intellectually.

Fast-forward 30-some years, and I see my kids aren't as spoiled financially as I was, but they are spoiled by growing up in a more loosey-goosey environment as a result of a middle-aged mother who's always a bit overwhelmed by a bunch of kids. Laughing

They take things far more in stride than I did -- they are far more relaxed and have a lot more fun than I did as a child or teenager.

Now, if by "spoiling," you mean "behaving like a brat," then no one gets special dispensation. Don't hover or baby an only child, and he/she will be fine.

My oldest cousin is an only child (so are a couple other cousins, but this story isn't about them). When he was a little kid, my aunt made no effort not to spoil him. She gave him whatever he wanted. Her attitude was, he'll learn to share when he gets to school.

Her siblings were all in shock - doesn't she know that's bad parenting? How irresponsible can you get?

But in the end - siblings were wrong, aunt was right. My cousin went to school, learned that if you want friends you have to play nicely and share, and turned into a very caring and wonderful person, BH.

I don't know if that exact method would work in all cases. But I have seen among my family and friends that the only children don't seem any more spoiled than the rest. After all, when they wanted to socialize they had to go make friends and not just stay home and play with siblings, and you have to treat your friends way better than you treat your siblings, so they learned to play nice.

You didn't say exactly what you mean by "spoiled," but IMO the only way a kid is spoiled is if they're selfish and don't treat others well. If they're caring, know how to share, etc, no harm is done if they don't have to split the last cookie when they're at home, or if they get to choose 100% of the books at story time.

Diamond Member Joined: Aug 07 2006 Posts: 2556

What is spoiling? If you mean giving in to a child's every whim and whine, well, there is no reason an only child is more at risk than a group of siblings. If it means giving a child perhaps more time and attention than would otherwise be possible...is that bad?

Diamond Member Joined: Aug 07 2006 Posts: 2556

Beginner Joined: Jan 24 2010 Posts: 19

one of my closest friends is an only chidl and tot not spiled!!! it must be very hard for her parents but thay do not hover over her... she went to camp,sem, and spends regular amount of time by her parents post marriage... I think their decision not to suffocate her made her not spoiled

Platinum Member Joined: Aug 29 2007 Posts: 12057

I think parents should be far more worried about making sure they don't pressure their only child to be their perfect little nachas machine. It's just not acceptable.

Silver Member Joined: Jan 08 2006 Posts: 997

Either extreme is unhealthy...

indulged brat vs. little nachas machine?

Both sound like products of poor parenting.

[by the way, chaylitzi, love the phrase you used: "perfect little nachas machine"]

Silver Member Joined: Jan 08 2006 Posts: 997

I re-read the original post. You asked for tips...

I'd say give your child opportunities to be responsible for him/herself as well as for the family. I.e. cleaning up own room, putting own things away, etc. and for the family - setting table, taking out garbage, loading dishwasher, etc.

Another thing = encourage social interaction with other children the same age. That way, he/she can learn that you have to take turns, respect another child's feelings, learn the natural consequences of arguments and fighting etc.

Posted: Mon, Mar 15 2010, 11:37 pm Post subject:

Platinum Member Joined: Aug 29 2007 Posts: 12057

Does he need to have straight A's, be on the kindergarten dean's list and play 3 musical instruments?

If he doesn't need to be everything you hoped for all your kids, then I wasn't referring to parents like you.

Posted: Mon, Mar 15 2010, 11:57 pm Post subject:

Posted: Mon, Mar 15 2010, 11:58 pm Post subject:

LG, I agree hovering parents need to give some slack, but I'm disagreeing about which areas to give it to them. No, they don't have to bring home perfect grades, get their manners right every time, or get the garbage in one throw. They are not going to be perfect nachas machines, no child is. But to cut them slack for chutzpa, manipulation or plain bad behavior is wrong for any child, only or not.

(I'm not sure what you're offended about)

Posted: Tue, Mar 16 2010, 12:17 am Post subject:

Diamond Member Joined: Aug 07 2006 Posts: 2556

I'd like to hear from the OP again - what are your concerns?