Mean librarian vs. doing the right thing.

Our neighborhood library has some mean and cranky people working there. I have in the past thought them brusque and unfair, and my normally outgoing children are shy and fearful around them.

That being said, I have a little dilemma on my hands. DD had a book marked as out on her card that she insisted she returned. She is ordinarily organized and careful with her books, and she has never claimed to have returned a book that was really misplaced.

So I insisted to the librarian that the book was returned. It took a lot of insistence until they finally marked the book as disputed vs. lost. I stressed her organization, her good memory and her responsibility. I assured them that if she insists it was returned, there is no question that it was returned.

I'm sure you all know where the story is going here... yesterday we were cleaning her room for Pesach and guess what we found? It was actually DD who found it and fessed up right away. She could have easily hidden it and I would have been none the wiser. So then she asked if we have to go tell the librarian.

My first thought was to sneak it back on a random shelf at the library; the book would be found and assumed to be misplaced the whole time. But I can't do that, it wouldn't be right. In an ideal situation, DD and I should go to the library together, fess up and apologize, and then pay the late fees. But I have a feeling that the librarian will be very mean about the whole thing, perhaps putting a note on DD's account that she may not ever have disputed items allowed again. (They once did something similar to DS.) I cannot return it to another branch because once there is an exception on a book, it must be returned to the branch where it was originally taken from.

I said out loud to DD that I will probably just stick it into the after hours drop off box, that way it goes back to the library but we can avoid direct confrontation. But now I am having second thoughts. Am I teaching her bad middos? I know I have an opportunity here to build her character, but should I put her at risk of retribution from some nasty librarian? (I know retribution sounds kind of extreme, but you have to experience it to believe it.)

WWYD?

EH.... what would I do?
I would thank DD for doing the right thing, and tell her you will take care of it with the librarian. emphasize that her honesty is appreciated and you are very proud of her.

then do one of two things

either:
if there is another librarian, hand her the book and explain the situation - but tell her that it was you or DH who misplaced it, and found it when cleaning your __, so please dont take it out on my responsible DD, who isnt even allowed to go near my __" and pay the late fee and be done with it.

or
go put it on a shelf.

DD made a mistake, but if this librarian is so mean, why make her suffer even more. she learned her lesson and is sorry.

anon because I dont want to be bashed for suggesting you do something that is not so much on the up and up

Platinum Member Joined: May 15 2008 Posts: 5060

I just feel like I am damaging her somehow by not being totally straight about it. Like somehow she will think that you can be sneaky around mean people. She is only nine, so the world is very black and white to her. It seems like such a silly little thing, but sometimes, when I need the strength to do the right thing, it is the silly little things I saw my mother do that keep me on the right path.

Silver Member Joined: Nov 06 2009 Posts: 596

As a librarian:

a. I'm sorry your local person is being mean.
b. DON'T put it back on the shelf. It may actually NOT be found for many months, and won't help anyone.
c. Putting it in the out of hours box isn't being dishonest. OTOH, you may just be putting off the confrontation, depending on the computer system they use. I think it unlikely, however.
d. They shouldn't be marking the account for no disputes after just one incident if you're regular customers. Wherever I've worked it's taken a few, in a shortish amount of time.
e. I think the best option is to just take it to another member of staff. I do second the idea to do it yourself, rather than making your DD do it, if that will put her off. Stick with honesty, however. Really they just want the book back, for other people to enjoy.

As an aside, customers returning borrowed books to the shelves, rather than to the desk, is REALLY annoying, as actually, no-one then knows where it is at all, five minutes later.

Any antisemitism involved here? I ask because long ago I had a situation with a librarian in New York who was very nasty to the Jewish kids from the yeshiva who came to use the books, we stood out a mile away by our clothing and the boys by their yarmulkeh, and she would always give us a hard time as opposed to the PS191 or PS 29 or whatever the number of the secular school on the same block was.

In any case, we learned the hard way to keep away from her. If such an incident had occurred with her, we would have never heard the end of it. I don't know if it would help to put the book back on the shelf, the librarian here says it wouldn't but maybe there is a way to put it on a table or something and leave it there so that it could be "found" by someone else and put back in the right place?
_________________
"Olam Chessed Yiboneh", Tehilim 89.

What about the drop box? I drop my books in the return slot at the drive through & I know they will send me a bill for the money I owe. If you aren't taking your dd anyway, I can't see why she'd know what you do with it. Unless you have to go up to the desk to return books, in which case, I would just find another librarian.

Posted: Mon, Mar 15 2010, 3:09 pm Post subject:

OP Please pm me....pretty please with ice cream and nice pink sprinkles on top?
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� Fyodor Dostoevsky (via cosmic-rebirth)

Diamond Member Joined: Mar 17 2008 Posts: 3561

I think that yes, this is a very important opportunity to teach your child that you're willing to "put your money where your mouth is." Sit down with her beforehand, and talk to her about how honesty is important, no matter how the person we're honest with responds, and no matter if we get into trouble or not. Discuss with her how you're going to bring it up with the librarian and what you think her response might be. Talk about how you would deal with each response, and stress the fact that at the end of the day, even if the librarian doesn't react happily, the important thing is that you were honest and did what was right.

Then go there with your dd, and let her watch how you (and she) do the right thing, no matter what the consequences (within reason, of course). Sure, she might be hurt. Kids are hurt in life. Better for her to be hurt with you standing there defending her and having talked to her before about how she's doing the right thing no matter what than for her to be hurt for the first time without this chinuch.

I applaud you for thinking more deeply about this matter and not "giving in" to your nervousness. This is true chinuch, imho.

Platinum Member Joined: Apr 06 2008 Posts: 5149

I don't think it's NOT doing the right thing to avoid confrontation.
If you have good reason to expect their reaction to be disporportionate then I think it's fair to avoid the confrontation but find a way to return the book anyway by putting it in the slot or slipping it on to a return table.