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| mominlkwd |
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 Posted: Thu, Mar 04 2010, 11:05 am Post subject: Re: re: Back-handed Mazel Tovs |
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| amother wrote: | Reading these comments, it makes me understand why the world is the way it is.
I'm coming back as a lizard. Thick-skinned so I can't be hurt. |
I'll never forget when I was like 17 or 18 my grandfather told me " you lost some weight? yeah, I know because you always gain and lose in your face first" I guess it was a compliment 
To this day I check my face in the mirror to see if I look fatter before I weigh myself 
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| gold21 |
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| Posted: Thu, Mar 04 2010, 6:26 pm Post subject: re: Back-handed Mazel Tovs |
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| I cannot comprehend how a father who just had a baby girl can be anything other than ecstatic and overcome with joy. its bizzare. having a child is so intense and amazing, how can a parent be blah about it simply because he would have preferred a boy????
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| Raizle |
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| Posted: Thu, Mar 04 2010, 7:03 pm Post subject: re: Back-handed Mazel Tovs |
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| kalsee wrote: | | Mommy3.5 wrote: | | chaylizi wrote: | | amother wrote: | | after I had my 4th dd in a row (no sons) someone said "well Mazel Tov anyway!" |
 that is just beyond the pale of human decency. |
Actually I heard worse, from the father no less. When wished mazel tov on the birth of his 5th daughter he yelled "what Mazel tov? Girls are no mazel tov." |
How about this? my husband's chavrusa wasn't there one day, so the next day my husband asked him where he was.
"I was in the hospital"
"oh . is everything all right?"
"Yeah. I had a baby. girl " 
Gosh some people are &^&* |
sorry I must be slow, or not reading the expression you intend in here but what exactly did that father say wrong?
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| SarahO. |
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| Posted: Thu, Mar 04 2010, 7:32 pm Post subject: re: Back-handed Mazel Tovs |
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Well Fox, when someone says something stupid to me ( well meaning of course ) I just try and assume that I've done the same to someone else w/o realizing it. 
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| Fox |
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| Posted: Thu, Mar 04 2010, 8:01 pm Post subject: Re: re: Back-handed Mazel Tovs |
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| SarahO. wrote: | | Well Fox, when someone says something stupid to me ( well meaning of course ) I just try and assume that I've done the same to someone else w/o realizing it. |
Yeah, that tends to be my approach. I'm not a big fan of the biting retort. But I do agree with Tova that sometimes it's hard to know when to let something slide and when to stand up for yourself/your family, etc.
There are clearly some people who are kind people but have a "way with words" -- a bad way. There are other people who are essentially verbal bullies and leave a trail of hurt feelings in their wake. My own personality is such that I tend to let the comments of both types slide, but there have been plenty of times in my life when I should have said something.
Of course, the verbal bullies are generally pretty insensitive, so even if I deliver a scathing comeback, they usually don't get it.
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| sarachana |
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| Posted: Thu, Mar 04 2010, 9:18 pm Post subject: Re: re: Back-handed Mazel Tovs |
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| gold21 wrote: | | I cannot comprehend how a father who just had a baby girl can be anything other than ecstatic and overcome with joy. its bizzare. having a child is so intense and amazing, how can a parent be blah about it simply because he would have preferred a boy???? |
I know many fathers that are like this (including mine and my dh)....they love their girls but are dying for a son...very normal!
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| PinkFridge |
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| Posted: Thu, Mar 04 2010, 9:45 pm Post subject: re: Back-handed Mazel Tovs |
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Is this typical for the complimenter (going back to the original post)?
I wouldn't read too much into it. Takeh, if we replaced one of our cars I think EVERYONE would say a variation of that to us Personally, I'm very happy when I see bnei Torah (I use that term in a very broad sense, I mean people who live Torah-oriented lives and don't need hassles and distractions in their lives) with decent cars. One less headache and that much easier to focus on the priorities in life.
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| melbee |
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| Posted: Thu, Mar 04 2010, 10:49 pm Post subject: re: Back-handed Mazel Tovs |
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Last time we saw my grandparents, my grandmother said to me as we were leaving "Now that we've gotten to know your DH better, I'm realizing he's not so bad!" ... Um, thanks?
Fox, mazel tov on the van. Use it in good health.
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| life'sgreat |
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| Posted: Thu, Mar 04 2010, 10:57 pm Post subject: Re: re: Back-handed Mazel Tovs |
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| melbee wrote: | Last time we saw my grandparents, my grandmother said to me as we were leaving "Now that we've gotten to know your DH better, I'm realizing he's not so bad!" ... Um, thanks?
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I don't claim to know everything, nor do I think my opinion rules. It's just that - an opinion. 
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| mammele26 |
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| Posted: Thu, Mar 04 2010, 11:45 pm Post subject: Re: re: Back-handed Mazel Tovs |
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| smoms wrote: | how about this one: wow you lost so much weight..you look sick.
I always wonder no one would say wow you gained so much weight..you look sick...but somehow hurtful comments or is it jealos comments, aren't considereed nasty. |
And my mil a"h got such comments when she WAS sick! People were jealous that at first she was looking very good.
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| mommy#1 |
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| Posted: Thu, Mar 04 2010, 11:50 pm Post subject: Re: re: Back-handed Mazel Tovs |
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| mammele26 wrote: | | smoms wrote: | how about this one: wow you lost so much weight..you look sick.
I always wonder no one would say wow you gained so much weight..you look sick...but somehow hurtful comments or is it jealos comments, aren't considereed nasty. |
And my mil a"h got such comments when she WAS sick! People were jealous that at first she was looking very good. |
I was once walking with my mother and I saw a neighbor that had lost at least 50 lbs since the last time I saw her, and I told my mother how good she looks. my mother then said that she wanted to tell the lady (a pretty close friend) that she looks really good, but she said she has no idea why she lost the weight, she thinks she heard that she was sick. so my mother said, better not to say anything than to make her slightly uncomfortable. thats how people should think, instead of saying things like "you look sick!"
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| mammele26 |
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| Posted: Fri, Mar 05 2010, 12:18 am Post subject: |
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| neverbored wrote: | | Love My Babes wrote: | | when G-d gave out brains, she thought He said stains, and asked for hers to be permanently removed.... |
never heard that one before! |
My dm's version: When G-d asked 'Who wants brains?', you thought He said pains, you said you didn't want any...
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| Hashem loves me |
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| Posted: Fri, Mar 05 2010, 3:32 am Post subject: |
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| mammele26 wrote: | | neverbored wrote: | | Love My Babes wrote: | | when G-d gave out brains, she thought He said stains, and asked for hers to be permanently removed.... |
never heard that one before! |
My dm's version: When G-d asked 'Who wants brains?', you thought He said pains, you said you didn't want any... |
are these from the same poem as 'when G-d gave out noses you thought he said roses, and asked for a big red one'?
Enjoy your new van fox. Though I'm sorry to admit I might have said something a bit similar to what the complimenter said, maybe a bit more tame though but that idea. I don't think she meant it as a bad thing at all.
But some of these other thoughtless comments mentioned on this thread make you really wonder if people ever use their brains.
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| louche |
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| Posted: Fri, Mar 05 2010, 9:03 am Post subject: |
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| Love My Babes wrote: | | when G-d gave out brains, she thought He said stains, and asked for hers to be permanently removed.... |
LOL!
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| PinkFridge |
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| Posted: Fri, Mar 05 2010, 11:00 am Post subject: re: Back-handed Mazel Tovs |
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Quote from Henye Meyer in this week's Hamodia, apropos to her raising her kids with the conviction that "[m]isusing or neglecting one's intellect seems almost sinful to me":
"Too many people seem to believe that after 120 they are expected to return their minds to Hashem in the original unopened packaging."
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| onlyme |
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| Posted: Fri, Mar 05 2010, 11:16 am Post subject: Re: re: Back-handed Mazel Tovs |
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| PinkFridge wrote: | Quote from Henye Meyer in this week's Hamodia, apropos to her raising her kids with the conviction that "[m]isusing or neglecting one's intellect seems almost sinful to me":
"Too many people seem to believe that after 120 they are expected to return their minds to Hashem in the original unopened packaging." |
Love it!
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| jflower |
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| Posted: Fri, Mar 05 2010, 2:46 pm Post subject: re: Back-handed Mazel Tovs |
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| I know lots of childless couples who would be absolutely delighted with a bunch of little girls!
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| WriterMom |
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| Posted: Fri, Mar 05 2010, 2:52 pm Post subject: Re: re: Back-handed Mazel Tovs |
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| chavamom wrote: | | amother wrote: | When I got engaged my MIL told my mom at least her darling baby is marrying Jewish.
What did THAT mean? I know he was a very new BT from a not frum family but still! I must have been a really bad catch.  |
Sounds to me like they were consoling himself on being frum with "at least he married Jewish....even if this is the final nail in that whole frum meshugas." Trust me, it's better than what I got from my MIL who said she would have preferred he marry a shiksa b/c at least then they would have had a chance of him "getting over this whole phase". |
Bwahahaha. That's what I got, too. And she of course had a complete fit when her other child intermarried.
Some people mean well, but are clueless. And then some people are just mean. There are people who don't like seeing other people happy, or can only feel better about themselves when they put others down. Sometimes I have trouble telling them apart, but one thing I have learned is that life is too short to spend it around people like that, if you can avoid it, whether the meanness is intentional or truly accidental.
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| life'sgreat |
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| Posted: Fri, Mar 05 2010, 2:53 pm Post subject: Re: re: Back-handed Mazel Tovs |
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| jmom26 wrote: | | I know lots of childless couples who would be absolutely delighted with a bunch of little girls! | .
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| amother |
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| Posted: Fri, Mar 05 2010, 2:56 pm Post subject: Re: re: Back-handed Mazel Tovs |
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| mommy#1 wrote: | | I was once walking with my mother and I saw a neighbor that had lost at least 50 lbs since the last time I saw her, and I told my mother how good she looks. my mother then said that she wanted to tell the lady (a pretty close friend) that she looks really good, but she said she has no idea why she lost the weight, she thinks she heard that she was sick. so my mother said, better not to say anything than to make her slightly uncomfortable. thats how people should think, instead of saying things like "you look sick!" |
Yes. I lost a ton of weight - too much, and I wasn't fat before hand, just a bit rounded. And it was because I was dealing with marriage problems and a dying relative and was too stressed to eat. I felt queasy all the time. Everyone was always complimenting me and asking my secret. I know it was well intended, but sometimes I wanted to say "you want to know my secret? I'm so stressed I could cry all day, but hey I guess it's worth it if I'm skinny, right?"
I didn't, because people thought they were being nice. But it was hard, and a bit insensitive.
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