Son in crisis-Bullies

life'sgreat

Mon, Feb 08 2010, 8:12 pm

GR wrote:

I think you need to ask your son what he wants done. It's his life and his emotional trauma. I think you should follow his lead.

While in general this might be a good idea, I think in this case it isn't. Because this boy has been bullied for far too long and his self image is probably so damaged by now. I don't think he can come to a clear decision from a logical point of view. He might think he needs to go on being the victim in school because if he decides to stay home, they will forever label him a neb, or other somesuch.

life'sgreat

Mon, Feb 08 2010, 11:12 pm

GR wrote:

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I wasn't under the impression that victims of bullying have Abused Wife Syndrome.

If I understood your question correctly, anyone that is abused can turn into a victim after a while. Having been bullied for a few years throughout my elementary years, I can tell you that there is no way such severe abuse from peers doesn't affect the victim. It isn't only 'abused wife syndrome'. It's abuse, period, that affects the victim.

ChanaRochel

Tue, Feb 09 2010, 12:50 am

amother wrote:

OP here.
Again, thank you to everyone for taking this so seriously. Just to hear your concern is so validating, after having heard "boys will be boys" all these years.
In fact, to the amother who speculated about a Columbine type incident, I've alway wondered if, Chalila, my son would *pull a Columbine*, if I could just tell the cops, well, boys will be boys.

But, seriously, this is clearly a board full of women. LOL

Every time we have a really bad day, I tell dh I don't want to put him on the bus tomorrow. Or ever. But dh says that sends ds a bad message. It tells him he can't take care of himself, and needs his Mommy to fight his battles.
Dh wants ds to eventually beat the cr@p out of one of the kids. He's strong enough, and he's trained enough to do it, but he hasn't done it yet. Dh is convinced that one day, ds will snap, and hurt someone, and will be left alone from then on, with his masculinity intact. Sometimes I win when dh and I disagree, sometimes he does.

Dh and I have a plan. They don't know what's about to hit them, but it's not going to be good for them. They are going to be compelled to get their hands dirty and fix this, or dire consequences await the hanhala and the school.

Hope you all dont mind, but Chana Rochel is getting on her soap box again ....

One, Its a very bad idea to encourage violence on your son's part. This isnt Leave it to Beaver's America anymore (for all of you, who are too young to know what Im referring to ..Google LOL

) Today, many PSchools have zero tolerance policies, and he will only get into serious trouble down the road and/or hurt himself as well as other children.. And thats only for minor fighting. If it gets as serious as throwing chairs and desks etc..., are you aware that the adults in charge of supervision of these children, as well as you, if you dont report such incidents to the authorities could be considered accomplices to a felony...

Two, your DH needs a strong infusion of Daas Torah.. Its one thing, if a yeed was a hostile Eastern European country, or the Israeli army, or a [gentile] attacked him on the street chas v'shalom. But to become Esav, when there are other options and hit another frum boy, nuch altz... You need someone with a very long white beard and extreme big plaitzers in halacha to advise your son to do that... If thats your only choice in that school get him out of there now.....

gryp

Tue, Feb 09 2010, 7:53 am

marina wrote:

GR wrote:

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I wasn't under the impression that victims of bullying have Abused Wife Syndrome.

There is some interesting research out there on how girls in bullying relationships (relational aggression) in elementary and secondary schools may tend to become victims of domestic violence in their marriages.

That's interesting.
I don't think that means though, that if you would have given those girls the choice to go back to school the next day, they would have necessarily wanted to.
I think that means that the definition of an equal relationship/friendship was redefined in those girls' minds, and affected them long-term. Short-term, I'm not so sure, they would have kept wanting to go back to school.
Who knows? Probably some would and probably some wouldn't.

life'sgreat

Tue, Feb 09 2010, 1:40 pm

GR wrote:

marina wrote:

GR wrote:

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I wasn't under the impression that victims of bullying have Abused Wife Syndrome.

I'm not sure what your point is. I really do think that someone as beaten down as this victim can't make a clear decision as to what he really really wants.

amother

Tue, Feb 09 2010, 2:00 pm

OP, I think you need to change the way you're approaching this problem. Your subject line says it all - "son in crisis." You need to empower your son and not treat him as if he is in crisis. He needs karate lessons ASAP. He needs to clobber one bully over the head one time and everyone will leave him alone. At this age, you should not be involved with the school, teachers and rebbes because no one will respect a kid whose mommy is fighting his battles for him. Get him some good self defense lessons immediately and give him permission to fight for himself.

freshie

Tue, Feb 09 2010, 2:03 pm

amother wrote:

Have you bothered to read the whole thread?

gryp

Tue, Feb 09 2010, 2:21 pm

life'sgreat wrote:

GR wrote:

marina wrote:

GR wrote:

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I wasn't under the impression that victims of bullying have Abused Wife Syndrome.

I'm not sure what your point is. I really do think that someone as beaten down as this victim can't make a clear decision as to what he really really wants.

It's really very simple:
"Son, do you want to go back into that classroom tomorrow?"
"Heck, no, Dad."

Keep him away from the lion pack.

ChanaRochel

Tue, Feb 09 2010, 3:12 pm

amother wrote:

I really hate to be the wet blanket here once again... But if he uses karate or any martial art, against another child and seriously injures that child, because he isnt a professional, he could be facing serious felony charges, regardless of who started it...Just because you post anonymously as amother, doesnt absolve you from the obligation to think before writing...

marina

Tue, Feb 09 2010, 3:16 pm

Children, just like everyone else, are more comfortable with the devil they know than the devil they don't.

For example, it is well known that children from horrible abusive homes prefer to stay with their parents than to leave and try out foster care.

When social services come to remove the kids, the children will cry and cling to their mothers, even if those mothers are the ones who tried to suffocate them earlier.

There is nothing to suggest that this 8th grader's opinion on whether to stay in his school or not should be taken as meaningful.

If your child was being raped, would you offer him a choice of whether to stay?

avigayil

Tue, Feb 09 2010, 4:37 pm

Okay here.

First off, if another physical incident happens...you call the police.
I read some threads, not all.

Have you called these parents? This is not innocent teasing. These are criminal acts. Somehow people are accepting this craziness as 'normal' and it is not.

As far as that school's rebbeim, I wouldn't leave a goldfish in their care. Blaming victims of violence is about as effective in stopping bullying as handing out lollipops to these street thugs. I don't care how 'frum' or how strong their 'limudei kodesh' program is. These teachers cannot teach. In a public school, this wouldn't fly and half that class would have their butts suspended for 3 days each.

Yes, stop the tuition. You are indirectly paying for your kid to get physically abused. Hate to put it like that.
Then, DO NOT SEND YOU SON AWAY! He has so many wounds, he needs his parents, his room, his friendly and familiar home to help him. Send him to a local school. Even if it is public, radical I know. But public schools are staffed by trained professionals.

Forget about what others say. If they think any of this is wrong, they are probably part of the problem!

Good luck.

gryp

Tue, Feb 09 2010, 7:04 pm

Uh, I was pretty miserable in school too, for the record, and no, my parents never asked me seriously if I wanted to change schools.

My point here was that we haven't heard a thing about the son here except that he gets angry. The parents don't seem to be making any decision so far, which is the same thing as making the decision to stay.

So I'm saying, what does the son have to say about the whole thing? We haven't heard yet.

From my own experience I am doubting that across the board, all victims of abuse choose to stick with the bullying over staying away.

shlomitsmum

Tue, Feb 09 2010, 7:19 pm

and to add a few short points....
ABUSE IS ABUSE!!! Exploding anger

Be a lioness for your child!! you sound too darn polite! time to pound a fist on the desk!
Take him out of there asap !!!
any future school with a brain can be shown the braces bill as evidence of bulling ,and since you can afford tuition YOU have the power .....USE it .

The parents of the kid that damaged your kids braces OWS YOU money as per Halacha and damages.
CALL the parents in the class ,have a Rabbi call the menahel on your behalf...
STALK that menahel and Rebbi.
Board of directors needs a written complaint explaining why no tuition will be paid ...
And keep your DS safe at home until you reach a Solution ,Stop and think a metal chair could have hvhalila cracked your DSs skull or eyesocket etc .
get DS psycologically tested ASAP.
Take an ADD on the jewish paper exposing the abuse....to prevent any future talmidim from getting hurt .

OMG I hate when schools forget that that phrase .."do not stand idly when the bloood of your brother is spilled" applies to children too!
OP be strong brave and if needed agressive for your child