Son in crisis-Bullies

manhattanmom

Sun, Feb 28 2010, 11:07 pm

sagefemme wrote:

This is a pikuach nefesh situation.

There is no doubt that you are halachically required to move your son from danger.

If you do not, you will be oiver on "lo taamod al dam re'echa"

When we see someone drowning, we do not worry about what his shidduch prospects will be ten years down the road or what high school he will get into. We pull him out. And worry about that stage when we come to it.

That is the same situation here.

Regarding your obligations to the school: yes, the school's inaction is totally reprehensible, but can you really blame them for failing to protect your own child, when you are failing to do so yourself?

Remove your child from that school immediately!

I do not use the term pikuach nefesh lightly. You've already written about TWO incidents that required medical attention. Must you wait for a third, possibly even more severe one, before getting the message?

If halacha and your conscience is not enough for you, I point to secular law.
YOU COULD BE LEGALLY LIABLE FOR PARENTAL NEGLIGENCE, having knowingly allowed your child to remain in a dangerous situation.

All it takes is one health care provider to inform the authorities.

True, lots of people get away with abuse and negligence way worse than yours, but once alerted, there's no telling where the cards will fall.

Did you read the whole thread?

Israeli Mother

Mon, Mar 01 2010, 11:29 am

OP, I think that it's great that your son fought back for once and you should encourage him to continue to do so.

However, at the same time I think that you must send your son to counseling for social skills training and to help him to repair the damaged self-esteem that he surely has by now if not much worse psychological issues. Many times children are bullied because their parents don't have the knowledge or skill to impart important social skills to their kids and sometimes parents don't understand the importance of their children being "part of the crowd" in terms of clothing and other things. If you are not capable of helping your son to fit in and not be a target then you have to take him to someone who can.

When we first came to Israel some kids bullied my oldest son and gave him a black eye on Shabbos and so I went straight to the mother of the ringleader with my complaint. She started with a "boys will be boys" type of attitude and so I told her "okay, if you don't care what your son does, fine. I care what happens to my son though so if your son ever comes anywhere near my son you won't recognize him when you get him back because I will literally rip him to shreds. And I meant it. I told her that her son's life is in danger if he ever so much as touches my son again. Neither this kid nor any of his friends ever bothered my son again and my son learned an important lesson -- that he is worth sticking up for and that his mother is there for him. My son learned how to fight after that and no one ever picked on him again. I think that sticking up for your child and letting them know that you won't allow anyone to hurt them helps raise their self-esteem and lets them know that they are valuable and that no one has the right to pick on them.

At this point, my sons are all older and they are very good fighters so no one has dared to mess with them for many, many years. By the way, retribution is not always immediate. My younger son, who is a very chevrati, friendly guy was bullied in one school one year when he was younger by a kid from a relatively powerful family in town. He dealt with it as best he could at the time. Then, he got older and went into the army and happened to meet up with this guy when they were both about 20 years old or so. My son told me that you wouldn't have wanted to see this guy when my son finished "discussing the issue" with him. 8)

If your son is getting physically attacked then instead of looking to insist that it is not your son who has the problem, take the blinders off and realize that he really does have a problem and refusing to get counseling both for you and for your son as to how to deal with it is both irresponsible and potentially dangerous. I also agree with those people who said that you must take him out of his school immediately until you are able to help your son deal with social issues. It doesn't matter if the bullies are creeps with terrible midot -- your son needs to learn how to deal with these situations in life and with other people so that he doesn't become a target.

If your husband feels that an 8th grade boy shouldn't depend on his mother to defend him, okay -- so his father should be the one to help out at that point. I can't imagine any parent who loves their son allowing anyone to attack him without retribution. The fact that you are sitting on the sidelines waiting for someone else to protect your son or reprimand the bullies is not a good thing and is not giving your son the right message.

merpk

Wed, Feb 09 2011, 5:52 am

manhattanmom wrote:

Unfortunately, I don't have any advice for you (my kids are toddlers....)
I feel absolutely disgusted though. And I can't even begin to think about what your son (and you!) must be feeling.

I can't understand why NOBODY in the school will return your phone calls? Doesn't anyone care?

Also, why would the yeshiva "bad-mouth" you to potential High Schools? It's obvious your kid is not a 'problem' nor are you an unreasonable parent...

I haven't finished the thread yet, but I was once a "Manhattan mom," too, and my son (who's experiencing horrible bullying now in Israel in 7th grade) experienced bullying in the NY school in 2nd grade, too (he was pushed down the staircase, among other things. We found out who was the worst offender, and it turned out he was from the family of one of the biggest donors. (And in Manhattan, a "big donor" means a really, really big donor, you know?) And the school did NOTHING. And we tried. But they were entirely unresponsive.

Did I mention the fact that we were a "scholarship family"? Right. So who is the administration going to support, the rich kid or the poor one?

The whole incident helped massively in our decision to make aliyah. Makes it all the more infuriating to be experiencing the whole bullying mess all over again.

But anyway, because my husband has been very aggressive in pursuing the administration over my son's current situation, we've been given the impression that the school is also doing the "bad mouthing" thing to the schools that we've been in touch with to transfer him.

I have no doubt it happens. And that we are utterly powerless in this situation.