Son in crisis-Bullies

amother

Thu, Feb 04 2010, 4:08 pm

My son is in 8th grade, and has been the victim of bullies since the beginning. He is a shy, somewhat stuttery, computery kid whose not really good at sports, so he's been an easy target.
This year has been particularly bad. As the boys around him get bigger and more sophisticated, they've been nastier to him.

The menahel assures us that all the Rebbeim and English teachers have been told to watch out for him, and he's on everyone's radar screen. Yet I've had to take him to the orthodontist because his braces were broken, I had to take him to the doctor because someone threw a chair at his head, and many more incidents. Many times, he doesn't even tell me what's happened, because if the other kids find out, he'll be teased even more for being a tattle tale.

Two weeks ago, some classmates locked him in a closet, where he remained for the entire recess. DH left three messages for the menahel, and they were never returned.

Today, ds came home as angry as I've ever seen him. Apparently, he had prepared a presentation for his class, but when he stood up to talk, the kids all laughed at him. Every time he tried to talk, they just laughed. The teacher told my son to sit down.

I tried to reach the teacher, but he doesn't have a voice mailbox at the school, and the receptionist didn't answer.
There's no point talking to the menahel; he hasn't helped in the past, if you even can reach him.

B"H, we've been able to pay full tuition over the years. I'm ready to call the credit card company, and tell them to stop payments to the school. At least then, I'm assured a phone call in return. But I know that's a super drastic step. I also don't want to send ds on the bus in the morning.

I have to tread carefully, because high school acceptences haven't gone out yet, and I don't want the yeshiva bad-mouthing me to the high schools.
Please, if you've read this far, can you possibly help me?

(anon to respect the privacy of my son)

wifey

Thu, Feb 04 2010, 4:51 pm

I was bullied, but as a girl it was emotionally rather than physically. I feel so bad for you and your son.

I'm not sure what to do about the school (I wound up switching in elementary school in part b/c of the bullying) but I would see if I could find an activity out of school that would help with self esteem and maybe he can find people who are like minded. You say hes into computers - is there a computer class or something he can join? A juniors technology club? I know that what hurt me the most long term was the self esteem (its something I'm still working on).

I dont know how intrusive you want to be, but will your son tell you the names of the kids who are doing this to him? Are there any other kids getting bullied? If yes, maybe you can approach the bully-ers parents together and try to come up with a solution? If not, maybe you want to go at it on your own? Its risky and the parents will likely defend their kid but if the teachers arent doing anything maybe its worth a try? I know my mom called one girls mother once - she said she would speak to her and things were better for a bit but the truth is the girl is in her mid/late 20's and STILL hasnt changed all that much. I do remember that the mother tried to be nicer to me though and encouraged her daughter to play with me.

In terms of the school, after the high school acceptances are sent out and you have accepted and put down whatever payment/deposit I would lambast the school - if the menahel is not receptive I would write an e-mail/leave a message to the effect of if you can not adequately control your students then I will write an open letter to the community including prospective parents as to the ability of the mechanchim to control the students. I think you've played ball and tried to play by the rules long enough and if they're not willing to help, you need to play hard ball to get them to listen - at least for a bit to see if they perk up.

amother

Thu, Feb 04 2010, 6:44 pm

OP here. Thank you so much for taking the time to respond. I really appreciate the Chizuk.

It doesn't make sense to change schools this late in the game. Homeschooling is sounding like an appealing alternative, but like everything, it has it's drawbacks. We kick ourselves that we didn't switch schools earlier, but we felt we'd be trading one set of problems for another, and stuck with the devil we knew.

He is in a martial arts program. He does well when he trains, but it's hard for him to use the skills in a real-life environment, not just in drills. It's also of limited value when he's being attacked by a group.

I guess what I'm specifically asking today, is whether it's OK to withhold payment to get the school's attention. To send the message that we take this very very seriously, and expect them to do the same. That's why I'm afraid, Manhattenmom. That they'll tell the high schools that we're difficult parents who withhold payment when they don't get what they want.

And yes, it's absolutely unforgivable to let 3 messages from a parent go unreturned for two weeks.

life'sgreat

Thu, Feb 04 2010, 6:51 pm

This breaks my heart. My heart goes out to you and your son. It must be so painful to watch your child being bullied and hurt and there's nothing you, as his mother, can do to stop it. Being that he's in eighth grade and will probably be starting in a different school (I hope you plan on sending him to an entirely different school, where he will be able to start anew), it's probably not feasible to change his school now. But I think there is some things you can do to help him. As someone mentioned, karate might help him. But I also think that those that are bullied, are usually victims for a reason. As you said, he's quiet, shy etc... I think building his confidence in special ways will give him more than you'd know. Let him learn a new special hobby, such an instrument, or something else that boys enjoy. Let him have a cool factor that he can call his own. Not only will it help build his confidence, but it can also help him in expressing his pain. I would also consider finding him a mentor/therapist that he can turn to, that can help him navigate the complicated relationships. Someone that will boost his confidence and make him a bit more at ease with those around him.

I want to tell you that if the school didn't return your phone calls, don't think that when they do/will, it will make a difference. Either a school cares, or they don't. Your school clearly showed that they don't care. I'm sorry.

I was bullied for a few years in elementary and I must say that it affects a person for life. It has changed me as a person.

Did you consider talking to a therapist yourself to help you figure out what you can do to change this?

You sound like an awesome caring mom! Hug

life'sgreat

Thu, Feb 04 2010, 6:55 pm

amother wrote:

It doesn't make sense to change schools this late in the game. Homeschooling is sounding like an appealing alternative, but like everything, it has it's drawbacks. We kick ourselves that we didn't switch schools earlier, but we felt we'd be trading one set of problems for another, and stuck with the devil we knew.

He is in a martial arts program. He does well when he trains, but it's hard for him to use the skills in a real-life environment, not just in drills. It's also of limited value when he's being attacked by a group.

I guess what I'm specifically asking today, is whether it's OK to withhold payment to get the school's attention. To send the message that we take this very very seriously, and expect them to do the same. That's why I'm afraid, Manhattenmom. That they'll tell the high schools that we're difficult parents who withhold payment when they don't get what they want.

And yes, it's absolutely unforgivable to let 3 messages from a parent go unreturned for two weeks.

IMO, there's almost no problem for a child as difficult and painful as bullying. It affects the child's learning as well, not only their confidence. There were times for me that the bullying was so bad that I couldn't concentrate and I went from getting A's in reading to B's and C's.

It makes sense that he can do well when not faced with the bullies. IMO, once a bully, always a bully, and once a victim, always a victim (to the bullies, not in general). It most likely will not change, especially at this age. They will simply become more sneaky about their bullying.

I think it's perfectly OK to withhold payment from the school, but as I said, I don't think there's much of a chance in anything concretely changing.

familyfirst

Thu, Feb 04 2010, 7:10 pm

To the OP:

My heart breaks for you and your child. How awful of the teacher to tell YOUR child to sit down when the rest of the class is clearly at fault? THEY should have been severely penalized (with a lower grade for that same assignment). Clearly, the school is not properly equipped to handle issues of bullying.

Fortunately, this issue is coming to the forefront of many school meetings. Many principals have already incorporated a zero tolerance policy to bullying. I would check into that when enrolling my child in High School.

Also, out of town Yeshivas usually have more refined and sensitive kids than New York Yeshivas do (sorry to stereotype, but it IS the truth, and I AM a native New Yorker!). Assuming that you are from New York or a big city, I would look into enrolling him in a smaller out of town High School.

If you ever do get in touch that ....uh, poor excuse of a principal, I would recommend that he look into having a guest speaker talk to the teachers about bullying. Torah Umesorah has some great speakers who go around to schools and give workshops to the teachers about just this issue (I think!).

Lastly, homeschooling MAY be an option, and something to seriously consider. Lots of courses can be taken on line, and you can use the tuition money towards hiring private tutors. Obviously, he won't be missing out on the social scene at school. It's not ideal, but at least he won't be further humiliated.

One last thing, I do think that bullies choose to bully certain kids who seem like prime targets. The reality is that kid bullies often become adult bullies. It may be wise to consult a professional (with or without your child in attendance) about strategies. There are many articles written up on this, and I'm sure you will find the right support and advice if you ask the right people.

Hope this helps. And bravo to you for doing so much for your son.

5S5Sr7z3

Thu, Feb 04 2010, 7:34 pm

Not much help here, as my kids are still little, but what I did when my son was bullied in playgroup and the teachers refused to do anything, I told them that if something is not done, I will stand outside the playgroup at dismissal and make a grand announcement how this teacher runs her place... I probably wouldnt have done it, but it did work.... I would not only be marching into school and refusing to leave till the principal spoke to me, I would also be going to the board with this, and calling some parents.

amother

Thu, Feb 04 2010, 8:23 pm

My ds was bullied so badly, I pleaded with dh to homeschool him and not let him be subjected to the bullying.
he never gave in but we ended up moving. Then after seeing how ds looked in the new school all well adjusted, he told me sorry, he made a HUGE mistake not agreeing to homeschool at least temporarily.

DS has scars til today from all of the bullying but iy"h will heal with time.

That said, schools cannot do squat about bullying, even if they became responsible and supervised and punished the children, the bullied child will still be bullied albeit in other manners.

If you really really want to talk to those who are ignoring you, go in person, but really, what will happen from it? If they were the kind of school that had a handle on things, it would never have gotten to where it has.

When do the high school acceptances get given? Once that happens I would not subject your son to daily torture.

Until then, you are in a bad situation. I think what helped my ds aside from a fresh start and more skilled staff was more kids his kind, some fatherly assertiveness training, and talking about the bad experiences to deal with his feelings.

I hope your son has a wonderful high school experience nothing like his elementary one.

auntie_em

Thu, Feb 04 2010, 8:52 pm

OP, I am so sorry your son is experiencing this abuse at school. I am curious, and please know I do not have children who are old enough for school yet, but I am curious why not call the police? Especially in light of the fact that the school is not taking any action to protect him or put a stop to the abuse...and now is not even responding to your calls. I thought, what effect would there be if an officer in uniform walked into the classroom, and asked to speak with the boys responsible?

Throwing furniture at him is beyond what I would call "bullying". It has escalted, it seems, to assault. What if ch"v your son would be seriously injured, maybe permanently. There is no "sorry" in the world that would help. It almost sounds like the boys have developed a "pack mentality" against your son. Coupled with an ineffective, and apathetic, administration....that is a recipe for disaster.

Just my idea that came whilst reading your post.

For what it's worth....my DH was much like your son...very intelligent, not sporty, kind of quiet, into computers and things....he had it kind of tough for awhile in school (nothing compared to the abuse your son is enduring). He grew up to be a wonderful and kind man. Generous and empathetic to other people's troubles. I think maybe because he knows what it feels like to be "odd one out". However, to this day...no one asks him to be on their softball team at picnics...lol.

The very best to you and your son!

ChanaRochel

Thu, Feb 04 2010, 10:43 pm

amother wrote:

If half of this is true, and Im not implying chas v shalom it isnt, I am totally depressed and disillusioned. My husband and I are baalei tshuva. I went to an inner-city public school . Of course there were bullies, and I had more then my share of fights and 'incidents' with blacks and other minorities, but nothing like you are describing. This is a frum school ???, that you actually pay for?

I would get him out of there asap. Homeschool, if it comes down to that, but this isnt tenable...

amother

Thu, Feb 04 2010, 10:51 pm

my ds has gone through this (9 now)
In his case the big problem is he has a low self esteem and let himself be bullied.
I tried to teach him to answer back and not let himself be bullied.
it has gotten a bit better and I attribute most of it to his self esteem that we are working vary hard on (which is so hard to work on when he says everyone in cheder hates him.)
there's not so much a rebbe could do though this year he has a good rebbe and the rebbe had him teach one of the boys gemara - pulling out his strenghts which also helped.
I looked into switching schools but was told not to as it is his personality of getting bullied and if the same thing would happen in the second school he would feel like even more of a failure.

good luck! it's so hard to see our kids hurt.

amother

Thu, Feb 04 2010, 10:55 pm

amother wrote:

Dont bet on it, my husband is 49, and he is still very bitter about elem-school and JHS experiences. It jaundices his entire outlook in life..

Mitzvahmom

Thu, Feb 04 2010, 10:56 pm

I also have a child being bullied at his school, so I know what your going through. The school keeps saying that they are working on it, but they are afraid that if they push it too much that he will be an outcast.

He's also very smart, and quiet and into computers etc. Sadly it does effect his health at times.

year and a half ago we moved from a small town to a bigger town and honestly have been quite disgusted with the school. I was so excited for my boys to be at a really frum not mixed boys/girls school. I asked my son the other day if he liked his school he said, "I would keep the teachers and switch the kids." He misses his old friends.

*hugs* I call almost every day, for now I am working on building up my child. Helping him realize how wonderful he is, and that there will always be someone out there trying to keep him down. That he's a bright intelligent child, and will some day be the Rebbe. To think about how he will respond to the child being bullied and to the bully, and if he would do something different.

I am not sure if my son will stay at the school he's at, but time will tell if things improve. My son has a couple of years until high school.

amother

Fri, Feb 05 2010, 5:21 am

My son doesn't get bullied in school but he does get bullied on the bus. One day he came home with a black eye and I called the Principal right away, supposedly it was taken care of. This week he came home and said a boy punched him in the privates, I called the Principal left a message and still haven't heard from them. The first time I called the principal I was basically told this will toughen up my kid. I don't want him toughened he is a sweet , sensitive good boy and I like him just the way he is. Sometimes I feel like calling these parents and giving it to them but they are probably bullies too!

amother

Fri, Feb 05 2010, 5:41 am

OP here.
Thank you, again, ladies, for your help.
Just some thoughts that came to mind while reading your responses.

-Yes, it is an "in-town" yeshiva. On this board, I'm considered on the "modern" side of things, but this yeshiva is way more black hat than we are. We sent him there because the Limmudei Kodesh curriculum was considered so superior to the other local yeshivas. When I grew up, Derech Eretz Kadma L'Torah. I also think each boy involved should fail their next gemara test, because their learning isn't worth jack as long as they can Malbin Pnei Chavero B'Rabim.

-I have thought about calling the police. I'm not beyond it. Perhaps the chair throwing incident would have been a good time. Maybe suggesting a bullying program run by the precinct would be more effective than one run by Torah Umesorah. Something to think about. Maybe I could also put a call in to the precinct to find out when the line crosses out of "boys will be boys", and into assault.

-Not only did we ask at all our high school interviews about their bullying policies, but ds did as well. We ruled out one school when the principal told us "Bullies have very low self esteem. I never punish a bully. You have to treat him with love, and build him up so that he doesn't feel the need to bully".
The high school we want, is the one where the Menahel told my son "any student caught bullying will find out very quickly, and very painfully, that it's not worth his while". (Admittedly, there's no way to know if it's implemented effectively, but I'll take that over love the bully any day!!)

-I'm aware of the halachic concerns of witholding payment. I would argue, though, that if they can't even take care of my son's physical safety, and they don't call back when I've tried 3 times to call them, haven't they really breached the contract first? And if they have, then am I still bound by it?

-The school also suggested that I take him for mentoring and social skills training. (They also told me I should make sure he wears cool clothes What

). I'm still a little hung up on the stigma of counselling, and I don't understand why he needs it, when it's the other boys that have the problem. As much as it may help him, wouldn't it send him the message that there's something wrong with him, and that's why this happens to him? I always try to tell him that when (an example that happened) someone writes on the blackboard "Yankel (not his real name) is G.A.Y", it says more about the writer than it does about Yankel.

Please continue to share your thoughts with me. It's very helpful.