Dh never ever learns!!

amother

Tue, Jan 12 2010, 8:51 pm

How can I influence my dh to learn SOMETHING? at least once a week at least one posik.
I know it's not my role or achrayis if he learns or doesn't.

But were building a family together and I want him to learn atleast once a while and the women can have an impact if done wisely.

I have asked him several times to go find a partner and learn 1 minute a day or week. He's refusing to really look for one. I would learn with him if he wanted me to but he doesn't want to.

isnt there such a thing as BITUL TORAH?!?!?!?! I dont want hashem to punish him for it. If he punishes him he punishes me as well!!

WriterMom

Tue, Jan 12 2010, 9:01 pm

amother wrote:

What's his background? Is he a BT who never really did this, and you'd like him to? Is he FFB but not brought up to learn regularly, or brought up to do so and rebelling? Is he interested in learning but completely exhausted by job and lots of kids?

I'm not sure how to go about changing this, because you're right not to want to be drawn into a fight about this. But if there is anything you can do, it will help if you can understand what the issue is, and even if it doesn't change it might help you live with it.

Is there a rav you could talk to, or a friend he trusts and respects whom you could appropriately ask?

amother

Tue, Jan 12 2010, 9:29 pm

We are both chasidish. His father has a shiur twice a day. His friends learn after or b4 work.
we have two kids afew yrs apart. He is sometimes exhausted from work, nothing major though. DH told me he does NOT like to learn! PERIOD. It's pretty sad!

LiLIsraeli

Tue, Jan 12 2010, 10:53 pm

Can you ask him to learn something with you a few nights a week?

Maybe chumash with Rashi, Chofetz Chaim, Hilchos Shabbos, a mussar sefer, etc?

If it's coming from you, as a need that you have, he might be more open to it.

One thing he DOESN'T need is lectures and nagging from you. I learned that the hard way.

amother

Tue, Jan 12 2010, 10:59 pm

I wouldn't pressure or mention anything about his learning, and in fact my dh also never used to learn as far as I know, and recently he started learning chimush alone in the house, I think it is also because I never made an issue out of it,I let things go naturally.

amother

Tue, Jan 12 2010, 11:11 pm

If you have amuna you should stop telling him to learn. just talk to hashem in any language and say tehilem that you DH head should open for Torah.
maybe the reason he doesn't want to learn is in cheder the rebbes where too hard on him about learn so he stopped it completely.

amother

Wed, Jan 13 2010, 12:01 am

My DH didn't open a sefer the entire Shana Rishona. I never saw him learn or heard him repeat a Dvar Torah. I come from a home where my father was never seen without a sefer. It bothered me immensely and I wet many a pillow with my tears of frustration.
BH after he settled into a job and steady routine he incorporated a shiur in the morning and a chavrusah at night. I always make sure to praise him about waking up early to learn. Honestly, if he's having a hard day or is tired the first thing he cuts out of his day is his morning shiur but I bite my tongue and don't say anything.
It is my sincere hope and my constant prayer that he will take it more seriously once my kids grow older.
My advice to you: hold your tongue and only encourage EVERY step he takes towards learning- be it maavir sedra or anything else and you will bezh see results.
Wishing you LOADS of luck!

GetReal

Wed, Jan 13 2010, 12:09 am

Do you learn yourself? if not maybe try making a routine to learn something specific each night - not with DH, yourself - to bring Torah into the house. Hopefully your dh will start learning, but even if not, at least there is more Torah in the home.

Funmommy

Wed, Jan 13 2010, 8:44 am

Does he commute to work? If he takes the train/bus, buy him an mp3 player or ipod and put on it some shiurim. There are some very interesting speakers out there and you never know, he might get hooked! P.s. My personal favorite is rabbi shafier of www.theshmuz.com

If he drives, you can also get cd's/tapes of many many shiurim

kiddo

Wed, Jan 13 2010, 9:02 am

Amother.... I know the feeling and sadly there is nothing you could really do to help it, you are really powerless, and it feels helpsless cuz you can't do anything to help it, don't pressure him, just casually through conversations, show him that you appreciate and that you really respect and look up to someone that does learn. Don't connect the dots to him, lightly and not every day, but when an oppurtunity does present itself. It didn't work for me yet.. but I'm trying as well.
Hopefully one day they grow up and want it themselves. I'm still waiting for that day...

life'sgreat

Wed, Jan 13 2010, 9:02 am

Funmommy wrote:

I'm sorry, but if my spouse would 'buy me' something like that and I wouldn't want to learn, it would only drive me farther away from what she wants me to do. She could suggest it to him (which I also think isn't healthy), but buying it for him will most likely backfire. No one wants to feel forced to do something.

A wife is not the husband's mashgiach.

amother

Wed, Jan 13 2010, 9:23 am

GetReal wrote:

Actually I do learn a sefer every night, and he admires me for that. Sometimes I ask him to listen to waht I say ONLY if he's in the mood and wants to.

he drives to his work 5 mins.
Besides the "learning" part, I have a tough time to trust him with basic halacha. He's pretty lenient when it comes to hilchus shabbos sometimes he can say ur not allowed to do something when in fact u ARE (asked a rav myself)or kashrus or TH.
If he would have learned something it would be easier to trust his halacha.

Yocheved84

Wed, Jan 13 2010, 9:24 am

When you say he doesn't like to learn, is it learning just Judaic themes or learning in general? Do you think he has learning issues e.g. comprehension, gets distracted while reading, etc.? Or is it possible that he has something going on emotionally and is taking a break from learning? Or maybe he is just tired and overwhelmed from work? (In which case learning would help as an above poster said, with tapes/CDs.)

I would ask him these questions, and then work with him to find a solution.

Hashem_Yaazor

Wed, Jan 13 2010, 9:51 am

(BTW, if you are making it possible for him to learn and want him to learn, and he doesn't, you get SCHAR for enabling him to learn, whether he did it or not. Don't think you'll be punished! L'hefech -- you'll be rewarded!)

Can you institute a mutual learning time at the Shabbos table or what not for hilchos shabbos or mussar or parsha or something that strikes your fancy?
Put on audio shiurim as you putter around the home so he'll catch something...
Sometimes a little spark will ignite something in him to learn more...I know that I have no chiyuv of learning, but if I do pick up a sefer, it always leads me to want to check up one more thing, etc...and I imagine that's natural for people...

I agree that you can't nag; it will turn him away more.

Never underestimate the power of tefilla. If you truly want him to learn, the only One who can give him that cheshek again is HKB"H. Have extra kavana when you daven birchos hatorah, when you say ahava rabba before Shema, etc...

Ruchel

Wed, Jan 13 2010, 9:55 am

My dh says a person who doesn't like learning just hasn't found the right hashkafa/shiur/teacher/topic.

What does your dh enjoy in secular life? if he likes animals let he learn the laws about them first, if he is the scientific type let he find a rov with a science Phd, if he's very mystic let he learn chassidus if he's more into mitsvos let he learn Litvish way etc.

amother

Wed, Jan 13 2010, 9:58 am

Yocheved84 wrote:

He listens to tons of self help cd's like how to be a better person. how to influence pple such kind of stuff.
DH loves to learn about Geography, History it's just the 'TORAH' thing is doesn't go for.