I think there may be something wrong with my son

My son just turned 5 and he is an only child.
He has a very hard time socializing with other children, it is very hard for him to share
Many times when children come over to our house he will freak out because they are touching his toys.
This year in school he is having a hard time also, we are new to Israel and he is in a class with 35 other boys and he is having a hard time with the language and he also gets beat up. If a kid bumps in to him he freaks out. He overeacts to everything.(last year he also had a hard time in school, he bit a kid a few times throughout the course of the year and also hit occasionally)
today during our seudah he freaked out in the begining of it, crying because a geust took his chair and because kids were touching his toys.
He calmed down for a bit but then got into a fight with another little girl, she pulled a train from him and in response he bashed her on the head with the train, she had a bump on her head from him and a drop of blood.
I am so upset, I am going to talk to someone in real life but I also want to see what people here have to say.

When my son is by himself he plays beautifully, he is a sweet child, he is always hugging and kissing, he is also wonderful around adults

I really dont know what to think

Platinum Member Joined: Aug 12 2007 Posts: 20496

(1) Is he spoiled?
(2) Do you make many allowances so that he doesn't get "hurt"? Such as saying to another child: this is x's "special toy", don't play with it. And then the same thing with toy after toy - rather than telling your son: you must share.
(3) Do you tend to blame others for things that happen? Rather than saying to him: "I don't want you to do xyz", you say "oh, that little girl is not going to like what you"
(4) Are you afraid of making him angry and dealing with the results?
(5) Do you coddle and baby him if he falls or says something hurts or a task is too hard for him?

If you can establish certains parenting patterns such as those above, you may need parenting classes.
If what I asked makes no sense, he may need to be seen.

I don't know, Tamiri. A five-year-old who is new to the country and language, thrown into a classroom with 35 (!) children... sounds pretty stressful for a little kid. I'm sure even more so for a child who is used to a quiet home -- it must feel pretty overwhelming to be around so many kids, so much noise, so much sensory input.

It's possible that the OP's son is particularly sensitive to sensory input, or possibly not. Could be that any kid would go into overload in his situation.

I would find ways to give him lots of quiet down-time. Prepare him for situations in which he will be around other kids, remind him of a few simple rules (yes, sharing, but also asking an adult for help if there's a problem instead of fighting), and talk about how he's feeling about all the new adjustments he's had to make.

He'll need a lot of understanding for a while. He may also need help with specific issues (sensory integration?? or...??), but it may be hard to separate those things from general adjustment issues and being overwhelmed. In either case, I'm sure you will see him improve with time, as he matures and adjusts.

Thank you Tamiri I think I am guilty of some of the things mentioned
Can more people answer it would be so helpful

op here
You know what scares me the most? that he does not have any good friends here
I am scared that he will always act anti social to other children and not make any friends
Sometimes I feel like telling him that if he keeps up his behaviour he will never have friends

op here
You know what scares me the most? that he does not have any good friends here
I am scared that he will always act anti social to other children and not make any friends
Sometimes I feel like telling him that if he keeps up his behaviour he will never have friends

op here
You know what scares me the most? that he does not have any good friends here
I am scared that he will always act anti social to other children and not make any friends
Sometimes I feel like telling him that if he keeps up his behaviour he will never have friends

Platinum Member Joined: Aug 12 2007 Posts: 20496

Posted: Tue, Mar 10 2009, 4:55 pm Post subject:

it sounds like a big class. what size of class was he in before? if it was smaller it is a big change. kids do act differently when they are one on one and with adults.

it doesn't mean that your child has something wrong with him, he might just need some help, with social interaction.

there could be a language issue. that he can't really say what he wants and then it goes down hill.

he might invade other peoples space and they think that he is starting up.

they might joke around and he thinks that they really meant it..

basically be consistent and keep on working with him.
- we do not hit.
- if you are upset tell morah or mommy
- use your words
- keep your hands to your self...

ok so tamiri the child was actually older than him she is seven,
as for my excusing his behaviour right away I took him up to his room, and told him that he was not allowed him purim treats for the day and that he had to to in his room for the rest of the evening, it happened around 5pm he goes to bed around six, I stayed with him in his room most of the time speaking to him about what happened, he was allowed downstairs to apologize and then he had to go back up
My husband also yelled at him and potched his hand because when we first put him in to his room he tried to get out
we have been in Israel for 6 months now Tamiri

Platinum Member Joined: Aug 12 2007 Posts: 20496

Posted: Tue, Mar 10 2009, 5:17 pm Post subject:

like tamiri said it won't hurt your for your son to get evaluated. if there is a problem they will address it.

I'm sure parenting issues can also play a part (especially since the OP said that some of what Tamiri suggested did resonate with her). But kids deal with stress and overload in different ways, and for some kids, six months may still be a very short time to be really acclimated to a whole new culture (specifically with a very large class).

Obviously the issues need to be addressed one way or another, whether that means parenting strategies, outside help, etc. I'm just saying that it's important to understand where the child may be coming from, and I'm trying to reassure the OP that there probably isn't something "wrong" with her son.

Look, OP, if this is the first time you're noticing that something might be amiss, I don't know what to say. How was he in the previous school?

I'll tell you what happened with us although, it might not be the same as your child. My own child was put into a special ed gan where there are 10 kids or so and the teachers can watch out for sensory issues as well as offer OT, speech and emotional therapy where needed. It sounds like most of the problems you describe are within the realm of a sensory preocessing disorder and you might want to have a OT with sensory knowledge evaluate your child. It is relatively easy to incorporate your sensory overload fixings in his school day so he won't be as affected.

The new country/new language just makes the underlining issue worse but I don't think it is the cause. With all the speech, OT, PT and dev. delays, etc. that my kids had, their adjustment to the country and language was the easiest to deal with. Actually, they did quite better than I hoped in that aspect.

My son sounds a lot like yours. He's antisocial and doesn't play well with others. He has one friend at a time. He won't communicate when things are bothering him and he just fills up with rage. We are dealing with his issues and I have to say, he'd be kicked out of a regular class in a second. He needs the smaller class for his attention and social issues. B"H, he was evaluated before we made aliyah and went right away into the special class and even repeated gan chova. We have a close friend who's son is similiar and is very smart, etc but has meltdowns when his sensory needs aren't met. The way you describe your son, reminds me of him.

I think saying something is "wrong" with your child is hard for you to hear but it is super common to have these issues and if not addressed and helped, your son can be easily labeled as a "problem child with discipline issues." If it is sensory then your child can't help it and it will only get worse. All he needs is for you and the teachers to know what to do in a given situation and information on how to prevent a problem in the first place.

BTW, my sons screams when anyone touches his toys because he is very careful with them and doesn't want them ruined. It is part of his OCD. He plays beautifully by himself too. Not too healthy though.

I think he sounds normal. If he's getting beaten up at school, IMO it makes sense that he'll become violent as well, and will start seeing beating other children as a normal thing to do.

Why is he still in a huge class where he's the victim of violence? Is there no other school around? IMO it's very worth going outside your normal hashkafa if necessary (MO parents sending to a shas school, hareidi parents to dati leumi school, etc) in order to find a normal school so that he can integrate without being thrown into what sounds like a very frightening and hostile environment.

Are his teachers at least aware of the problem (of your son being hit) and working to solve it?

Active Poster Joined: Jan 20 2009 Posts: 47

I just wanted to tell you what we do with our girls regarding toys as my 7 year old gets very upset when kids "mess up" her stuff. There are a few things in particular that she doesn't want to share. I don't think this is a problem. I have things I don't want to share. So we let her put them away and she is usually much more easy going with her other toys (we had a talk about how certain things are special but others she had to share. She also knows if anything happens to her things they will be replaced). They are HER toys. She needs to learn how to share but she also needs the security of knowing that the things that are special to her will be safe.

A little background info...she started out as our foster kid and didn't have things that were her's b4 she came to us. In other foster homes she wasn't even given her own clothes, she had to share with other foster kids (not related to her even, yuck!) So she was very possesive of her things when she finally got some things of her own. This was a happy comprimise and actually, a few months later, we saw "Supernanny" give this same suggestion.