School in mourning

Posted: Wed, Aug 31 2005, 8:06 am Post subject: school in mourning

a mother of children in the same school as my children passed away last night, suddenly.

her oldest daughter is in the same class as my oldest daughter, and they are friends, her second daughter is in the same class as my second daughter (her third daughther is in day care)

obviously, we are all very overwhelmed and sad.

as you might have understood from an anouncement post I posted on monday, we also suffered a loss in my in-law family this week (Baruch Dayan Emet).

My oldest daughter is very sad, and cries a lot, my second daughter is mostly angry that everybody cries over her friend's mother, but no one (in her class) cries over her uncle.

I need some assistance in helping my girls go through this difficult time. I would appreciate any advise you could share with me.

Gold Member Joined: Jan 19 2005 Age: 31 Posts: 1855

Pearl, that is very very sad. I don't really know what to say. Maybe you can sit down with your daughters and talk to them about what their friends are going through and ask them what they can do for their friends at this time.
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Posted: Wed, Aug 31 2005, 9:18 am Post subject: re: school in mourning

That's a hard one. My only suggestion (and this comes from someone with no experience so it might not be worth much...) is that whilst you may talk (or find you can't talk) to your daughters, I think it would be beneficial to them to also take on some sort of project to remember these two people who they knew. They could take this on as individuals, together w/ your family as a unit, or in their classes. IT coudl be extra tehillim, a new hachloto, preparing food etc. for the family , a tzedakah or learning drive - wahtever. It hsould help them ease their feelings alittle because they know that they can help the neshamos have an aliya and perpetrate the memories of people who are lost.
This will create meaning for them and hopefully get them motivated. THey will look back at the time of this loss and realise how much good can be achieved when one really tries.
Of course you cannot use this as a way of avoiding speaking to your kids. bottled up feelings will only work against you - because you didn't try to listen or let your kids express themselves nad they may feel int he future that they never really got to have a grieving process.

May we never know of any more tzaar that you or any of us should need this advice!
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Platinum Member Joined: Jan 17 2005 Posts: 5505

re ud dd2, u could mayb explain 2 her that the pple in her class had no kesher w her uncle zl, and that pple who knew HIM r crying over him....

Platinum Member Joined: May 22 2005 Posts: 13795

My husband lost a brother almost 5 years ago. For my kids, esp. the older ones who had visited him while sick, they mostly just needed to be able to talk about him, why Hashem would do such a thing, where was he now. I think the best you can do is let them know that what they are feeling is normal and let them talk.

Posted: Thu, Sep 01 2005, 2:47 am Post subject: re: school in mourning

but wasn't your brother in law located in a different town from where you yourself live? so how should your daughters friends cry over their uncle as much as someone else, who they knew personally?

pearl, I'm sorry for you that you have to be going through this now. Hashem should just give you EXTRA strength!

Posted: Thu, Sep 01 2005, 6:30 am Post subject: re: school in mourning

thank you all for the replies, I appreciate it.

the girls are very sad, but also strong. we make drawings and small presents for their friends, and talk about it, if they want to talk about it.
second daughter understands that her friends and teachers don't know her uncle.

it's a difficult week, and I hope I can get them through this peacefully, without fear....