Speech about s-xual abuse: how to teach our kids to say no:

I just went to a speaker about s-xual abuse and they basically talked about ways to prevent it from happening to your kids. so I want to share:

he said there are three main things.

1) Talk to our kids about safe touch. it shouldnt be done in an anxious or fearful way, just matter of factly, when safelty is talked about (like fire, crossing the street etc...) so should touch.... we dont allow anyone to touch us in ways that we arent comfortable with, (its not only in places that are covered, its ALSO ways we dont like. like if someone wants to hug us, or kiss us and we dont want them to etc... you can say no.

2) that our bodies belong to us. kids dont always know this because they learn to respect elders and they think older ppl can do do them what they want. Its good to play the "what if game"

that means... a game that helps them see how to say no and when. it doesnt have to be abusive examples, but other examples that can also teach them what to do in cases of abuse. its roll play. what if your teacher comes over to you and pinches you.... (you say I dont like that, please stop... or you tell your mother, etc)

what if your uncle is ticking you so hard and doesnt stop. you say stop! I dont want to be tickeled!! If your bubby wants to kiss you in a way that makes you uncomfortable, you say Not right now... (he said like if someone kisses you on the mouth and you dont like it.. a kid I mean..)

3) talk about good secrets and bad secrets. a child should be told that there is no secret that should ever be kept from a mother. the only kinds of secrets that are ok are surpirse party, someone having a baby etc..... but if someone tells you not to tell your mother, you run, and tell her right away!

4) we have to make sure to have very open lines of communication with our kids, always asking them how they are, talking to them about thier day, not yelling at them when they tell us how they feel even if its negative things, because we want to have the relationship with them that they feel comfortable to tell us everything and anything.

5) we have to notice the signs. a child having nightmares, wetting thier bed all of a sudden, learning disabilitites, self consious of thier bodies, socially awkward, and knowing too much about s-xual things.

he said there was a smart teacher who was teaching gemara, and he skipped over one part. one of the kids raised thier hand and said, we know more about this subject then you know! the teacher kept trying to speak to this kid asking him what he meant by that comment, and that its ok for him to tell him... kids dont usually know all that etc.. untill finally the child told him that him and many others in the class were being abused.

also, the main reason why its so good to have the roll play with our kids: heres a story:

it was simchas torah and an older boy took a younger boy to a room and tried to molest him. the boy just screamed and screamed until finally someone heard... the mother asked: how did you know what to do?? the boy answered that his doctor told him that if anyone tried to touch him where his bathing suit covers he should scream until someone comes.

when we feel panick we are at a loss for words. unless our brains know what to say, then those words or actions will light up in the situtaions our parents told us about............

Platinum Member Joined: Apr 15 2007 Posts: 5828

Executive Member Joined: Feb 25 2007 Posts: 265

thanks for the post. There was alot of good information

of course esti! and thast why the roll play is a good idea, because it teaches kids diff things of uncomfortable and what it might mean. you ALSO have to tell them about private parts and that our bodies are ours etc... amd more

Diamond Member Joined: Sep 18 2004 Posts: 2600

I was also at the event. Just got home. Was really good and informative, b"h. Kol Hakavod to the organisers (who, by the way, faced a LOT of adversity to this event).

thats really sad. why wouldnt people want it???

Diamond Member Joined: Apr 16 2007 Posts: 2952

Any advice to give my 7yo? She is KA"H a beautiful girl and very often at the supermarket or pizza shop, older men (zaidy types) will pinch/stroke her cheek and call her a shaine maidel. She will run away crying to me, she hates it and is devastated when it happens. What can I teach her to protect herself from this? I can't always have her next to me, as sometimes when the pizza shop is crowded I will send her ahead to get the last table while I wait in line to order, or she will get me groceries from one half of the store while I get from the other half. I am limited as to the amount of time I can spend on my feet, so right now I really can't manage without her help.

Platinum Member Joined: Dec 27 2007 Posts: 7253

Diamond Member Joined: Apr 16 2007 Posts: 2952

I explained to her that she probably reminds them of a grandchild they miss, that they don't have any negative intentions. I think she is the most upset b/c she knows that boys and girls can't touch and she thinks they are causing her to sin by touching her, just like she would feel if they forced her to eat treif. In addition, there is the factor of a naturally shy girl being touched by strangers.

Posted: Mon, Feb 11 2008, 11:49 am Post subject:

wow - it's about time they face this head on - we all need to teach our kids ... and remind them too that it could be anyone - not just a bad person - cause it's worse when we assume a "frum" person won't do this ...
_________________
don't wonder why people go crazy ... rather wonder why we don't
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NUTso but cute ~ things balance out Nervous

Posted: Mon, Feb 11 2008, 12:14 pm Post subject:

Thanks for this post. I'm glad to see that in the converstaion we had with DS (7.5), we covered pretty much all these points. We first spoke to him about a year ago & then brought it up again recently as a reminder. Both times we did it non-chalantly but showed its importance.

Platinum Member Joined: May 16 2005 Posts: 6262

Platinum Member Joined: May 16 2005 Posts: 6262

Platinum Member Joined: May 16 2005 Posts: 6262

and one more point.

I think its so important to teach kids what they want matters. So many times parents and teachers "force" kids to do the "right think, but really its teaching them what they feel and want dont matter.

for example, my grandmother came to visit and my daughter doest see her often. when she was leaving she wanted to give my daughter a hug and my daughter didnt want to give her a hug. my grandmother was bribing her to give her a hug and basically trying to hug her even though she didnt want it. I walked over to my daughter and said "you dont have to give a hug if you dont feel like it right now! but lets walk bubby to the door, wasnt it nice to see her etc......

kids are people to, and shouldnt ever be forced or bribed to do something they dont feel comfortable doing, even if it will make someone else feel good etc....

Executive Member Joined: May 19 2005 Posts: 473

B'H the frum world woke up and raised this issue I m yet to figure out how to talk about this to my 4 year old and when like at what age or is now appropriate and how much is appropriate? And to the lady with the daughter being touched I agree she needs to have her feeling validated and sometimes a little hutzpa if you will is needed for personal protection I mean I don't think there is anything wrong if she tells these zaidy like people not to touch her or that it bothers her. Thank you to the original poster from posting this I m very grateful.

Platinum Member Joined: May 16 2005 Posts: 6262

I think you can tell them as soon as they can understand, maybe three....