Stressful Shabbat Tables with preschoolers...

Lately my husband has mentioned how he doesn't like it with the kids at the table with us. We have a 2 and a 3 year old. The Shabbos table time consists of each kid wanted this and that and this and that and leaving things over on their plates. And the 2 year old's food is bound to be made into small pieces and thrown to the floor.
My husband finds it difficult to enjoy the Shabbos table and tell divrei Torah.
I know there's the option of feeding them earlier, but a) it's extra work for a tired mommy b) I'm sure they'll ask for stuff again by the meal anyway.
We know we can't expect them to keep quiet. We try to give a small amount of each food so they don't waste and we'd rather give doubles then...
But how to make the Shabbos table more pleasant with B"H keeping so busy with the kids??
any tips greatly appreciated!

we have to B"H deal with the same thing...same ages too. are you talking by day or by night or both?
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Platinum Member Joined: Jan 01 2006 Posts: 48145

I have that with my 18 and 20 year old.

I started eating out/inviting guests for a buffer.

Gold Member Joined: Apr 26 2007 Posts: 1223

Oh I am soooooo with you.
Guests do actually help.
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OP here.
it's hard with guests because my husband has a hard time saying divrei torah to them. we usually have guests.
I'm talking about day and night. (I"YH when shabbos is later, maybe they'll be asleep by night meal...)

any advice??
I want the kids to love shabbos and enjoy the meals, but on the other hand, I want my dh to be happy! and not stressed!

Diamond Member Joined: Apr 16 2007 Posts: 2952

When my little ones were even smaller, we had to do a lot of planning to make the Shabbos meals pleasant. We kept their time at the table pretty short, and I had special Shabbos toys I brought out after they were finished eating, so they could eat their desert quietly and play while DH told Divrei Torah and we had a chance to speak. Also, while the children were at the table, we kept it short, sweet and fun. Lots of zmeiros, very basic parsha information (at a 2-3yo level), with Parsha pictures I printed online and they colored Erev Shabbos so they would feel involved. If they are in playgroup you can bring out their projects. IMO it is wrong to expect children to sit through an entire meal that is conducted at an adult level. Now that my oldest is 7, she chooses to stay at the table with us for the entire meal, but we do not force it.

Posted: Thu, Jan 24 2008, 4:12 am Post subject:

My youngest is 12 , and I dont force him to stay either. My kids were always allowed to eave teh table, but be in the same room , with toys , during meals, once we ahd eaten teh main course.

Then Divrei Torah etc, and as soon as we would say "dessert" they would all magically reappear at the table. Wink

They all had to say after that for Bircat hamazon. I benched with them as appropriate from teh age of 18 months.

Until they wer all old enough to bench alone, we sang all or part of benching. Still do if tehre aer little visitors.

And reduce your expectations. Little kids cannot sit at teh table for too long. (nor can teenagers sometimes)

Sometimes it helps to have less deep Divrei tora and more "how is X from the parsha applicable today ?" discussions. That way everyone is involved and no one drops off to sleep.

And of course we encourage divrei torah from all teh kids . They usually learn parsha in class , or some other torah stuff.

If your DH sits with some deep chassidishe text - and yor kids are small , everyone is going to end up really frustrated.
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you misunderstood one part. we don't expect the kids to stay at the table. we don't mind if they leave and they often do. but they want to be there much of the time and keep requesting to eat this and that and etc etc

Platinum Member Joined: Sep 11 2004 Posts: 19241

Our Shabbos table can get pretty hectic, but I'm determined to gear the Shabbos table towards the kids and not expect the impossible from kids.

That means we keep them busy even while eating so there's no time to make trouble or get wild.

After they eat, they all sit on my husband's lap and each one chooses a Niggun for everyone to sing. We see how far we get with Parsha questions, then they run to get a bencher for themselves and bench, and go play.

I just don't think Shabbos and kids should contradict each other.
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Posted: Thu, Jan 24 2008, 2:24 pm Post subject:

Before any Divrei Torah begins make sure the kids have just a little bit of everything on their plates and tell them if they want more of something they have to wait until Abba is finished.

And Abba has to make sure his Dvar Torah isn't more than 5 or 10 minutes long.

One other thing... your husband, as an adult has to realize that 3 and 2 year olds aren't going to sit quietly.
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Platinum Member Joined: Mar 07 2007 Posts: 10429

Welcome to life as a parent of little people. There are certain things you give up temporarily while your children are little. A serene classical Shabbos table (for that matter, a serene classical shabbos) is one of them, just like uninterrupted telephone conversations.

Your kiddies are 100% normal. it's not realistic to expect them to sit through a long Shabbos meal--they simply do not have that kind of attention span. rest assured, they will eventually grow up and be able to sit through an entire meal, DT's included. As kmelion sez, your DH is the adult here. It's time for him to realize that he's not a chosson-bocher anymore, he's a parent. it's a whole diff'rent ball game--one he'd best get used to and accept with grace, else he's in for an extremely unhappy next couple of decades.

Platinum Member Joined: Jan 01 2006 Posts: 48145

Platinum Member Joined: Aug 01 2005 Posts: 16886

My son is 2 1/2 and since he was little he loved Shabbos so much he'd always find a way to be at the table, he'd nap before or after! he's so well behaved B"H. here's waht we do. He sits in a booster seat so he cant run around. We put little toys on his tray, give him a shnapps cup and keep putting grape juice in it, etc. he eats challah wyhen we do, eggs when we do, and during cholent we let him play near the table. during zemiros he insists on sitting on dh's lap. I guess we're just lucky. Then again we had so many years of 'just us' shabbos seudos that were so boring and quick, that we're so grateful we have somene else sharing the table with us!
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