SAHM: is ur house in tip top shape when dh comes home

zaq

Wed, Mar 04 2015, 10:00 pm

Is "Tip-Top shape" even possible in a household with very young children? I would say no. Not unless you have a fulltime live-in household staff. Like shoveling your driveway during a snowstorm, whatever you do now will help keep things from getting that much worse, but the situation will deteriorate immediately the moment you stop to rest. Since it is impossible for you to clean every minute of the day, you have to decide on a level of disorder that you can live with, clean till you reach that point and then stop.

Of course everyone appreciates coming home to a clean and tidy house--who wouldn't? But your dh, who probably does not recall what his parents' home looked like when HE was a baby, needs a reality check.I suggest leaving him home alone with the kids for one full day while you go off to do something fun and self-indulgent. Then see what your dh has to say for himself when you get home.

amother

Wed, Mar 04 2015, 10:48 pm

I don't get what being a SAHM has to do with this?
You are taking care of little kids in the afternoon until they go to bed-how should your house be prefectly clean?
If anything, I think working moms have it a bit easier when it comes to a clean house (or that's what my friends tell me) because there's way less time for kids to mess it up!
So tell your DH that his expecations are insane.

Now for the actual question-
Im a SAHM. When DH comes home early (let's say 8 pm) the house is still a mess. When he comeshome at 11pm sometimes it's clean, other night it isn't. Many nights I just let the toys stay on the floor and I do the dishes in the morning etc. He has never complained though he's a very clean guy. Maybe becuase he has spent enough time with the kids to know how hard it is to keep the house clean while they're playing and eating and how exhausting it can be so that you wouldn't have energy to clean at night.

chani8

Thu, Mar 05 2015, 12:01 am

I'm LOL'ing that your DH asked for our opinions. We side with you, of course. Messy or tidy, you have our complete support. Smile

That said, I learned a long time ago a way to give the appearance of tidy. Floor and counters tidied. Simple as that. If my DH needed tidy, that's what he'd get. Only that. But no, my DH doesn't demand anything from me. He does rejoice when I function well, though.

Scotty

Thu, Mar 05 2015, 12:22 am

Of course! I also shine the floor before he walks in and massage his toes as he eats a candlelit dinner.

Seriously? No matter how hard I try, the house looks like Og Melech haBashan picked it up and shook it (or, alternately, the aftermath of the invasion of the Russian Army, only with more toys. And diapers. and food on the floor. And possibly accidents of a bathroom nature, if kids are at a delicate stage of training development.)

If I lived all alone G-d forbid with no kids I would have a stunning house. Because I B"H have been granted kids they leave their cheerful (hideously messy) mark on everything I'm not physically holding above their heads or have nailed down to the floor.

(Just a note - I am pretty organized and have my house set up according to Julie Morgenstern's famous book, but that doesn't mean the house is NEAT and CLEAN any time the kids are not asleep.)

rosehill

Thu, Mar 05 2015, 3:54 am

My DH is much tidier than me, though I keep things cleaner than he, KWIM?

I try harder than I might otherwise to straighten things up for him, and he tries to not be grumpy when things are not to his liking.

Or he tidies up himself.

the world's best mom

Thu, Mar 05 2015, 5:15 am

My apartment is always in tip top shape when dh comes home. The children work very hard to make it just so. They carefully spread toys all over the house and food all over the kitchen. They leave homework spread between the toys on the floor, coats on the couch, knapsacks all over the place. Yup, they do a good job making it in tip top shape for causing everyone to trip when they walk in. B"H.

My dh grew up in a spotless home where nobody is allowed to touch anything. B"H he doesn't complain about our mess that we live in. I do clean it up at night, but only after the kids are asleep.

amother

Thu, Mar 05 2015, 8:41 am

When I was little my parents both worked and my grandmother was our SAHM. She kept the house in tip top shape, did the laundry, cooked, took out trash, and played with us kids. She kept herself in tip top shape too by exercising every morning. She has always been and remains extremely hardworking and disciplined. She grew up very poor and had to do a lot of manual and agricultural labor in her youth in another country. I have never met anyone else as disciplined as her.

I have never been a SAHM per se, but I can tell you that when I was on maternity leave, my husband always came home to a messy house. And he cooked dinner too embarrassed

octopus

Thu, Mar 05 2015, 10:47 am

amother wrote:

your grandmother was able to exercise in the morning because she didn't have little kids in the house. Then she came to your house and viewed it as a job. That's what it sounds like to me.

amother

Thu, Mar 05 2015, 11:03 am

octopus wrote:

your grandmother was able to exercise in the morning because she didn't have little kids in the house. Then she came to your house and viewed it as a job. That's what it sounds like to me.

She lived with us for several years. She and I shared a bedroom. Times were tight.

Miri7

Thu, Mar 05 2015, 12:36 pm

Not a SAHM now, but I was for years, and my house was NEVER in tip top shape when DH came home. Even when I had a cleaning service come in the morning, my kids had restored the house to a total mess by the time he came home....but at least the bathrooms were clean and the shelves were dusted!

It took DH a long time to come around and see that it's much better to come home to a messy home with happy inhabitants than to have everything in place and a frazzled wife.

I'm amazed at people who can keep a tidy home and have lots of little kids around! But I told DH, we can have kids OR a spotless house, and I choose our wonderful kids!

OOTforlife

Thu, Mar 05 2015, 12:45 pm

amother wrote:

Dh wants me to ask. He expects it to be perfect and I struggle with it.
What's your experience?

Totally speculating here, but is it possible that your husband is, in a roundabout way, expressing unhappiness with his role as sole breadwinner?

deams

Thu, Mar 05 2015, 1:15 pm

Have not read the whole thread. My house is definitely not in the best shape when he gets home. I would love it to be. I don't even think it's completely clean before I go to bed.

amother

Thu, Mar 05 2015, 9:21 pm

OOTforlife wrote:

Totally speculating here, but is it possible that your husband is, in a roundabout way, expressing unhappiness with his role as sole breadwinner?

Op here. Definitely not. He's upset that I don't work and I'm not in school so the house is my only responsibility. But he doesn't want me to work. He just wants it to be clean.

Thu, Mar 05 2015, 9:51 pm

How many kids are you home with? What ages? It really makes a difference, expectation wise. It can be possible, but not necessarily, depending on who you're sahm-ing with.

chani8

Fri, Mar 06 2015, 1:04 am

amother wrote:

Op here. Definitely not. He's upset that I don't work and I'm not in school so the house is my only responsibility. But he doesn't want me to work. He just wants it to be clean.

Well, is there some way you can meet his needs? Are his expectations reasonable at all? Or is he OCD and wants it spotless??

Is he a good husband or a demeaning control freak?

saw50st8

Fri, Mar 06 2015, 1:54 am

OP, in my limited time as a SAHM to 3 kids 3 and under, my house was pretty messy. At some point, DH and I discussed it and we figured out if I could get the living room tidied up so that when he walked in (it's the first room you see) it would seem cleaned up, it would make him much happier.

I started straightening up in there close to when he got home. I also prepared dinner much earlier in the day so that I wasn't busy with that during the dinner rush.

bookie

Fri, Mar 06 2015, 5:13 am

saw50st8 wrote:

This I work part time and have three little kids. Dinner is usually ready and I try very hard to have the front of the house presentable. It makes a huge difference to walk into a clean living room.

MamaBear

Fri, Mar 06 2015, 5:34 am

Well if you worked then no one would be home all day and nothing would get messed up (if the kids are at daycare).

Better yet, get rid of the kids completely and then nothing would ever get messy!