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Forum -> Relationships -> Giving Gifts
What gift did u give for s/o that took your child for 2 wks
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amother


 

Post Thu, Mar 05 2015, 12:10 am
Knock off the rhetoric. These kids are hardly being "abandoned" or going to "strangers". If they''re not going to close relatives who live in the same community, they're going to close family friends. These are tight-knit communities, not loose federations of people whose claim to common interest is that they boycott the same shuls. Expectations, people. When everyone you know does things a certain way, that's your normal. People who grow up sleeping 5 kids to a bed think it's weird and unfriendly to sleep one to a bed. If everyone goes to their Tanta Shani or Uncle Shmuli for 2 weeks every time Mommy has a baby, they get used to it right quick. There will always be the exceptionally timid or sheltered child who has a hard time with this, but exceptionally sheltered or timid children have a hard time with everything. What makes you think the kids are all traumatized by staying with another family? Most kids love sleepovers with friends and relatives. Don't you think mothers have the seichel to send their kids to people the kids know and like?
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MagentaYenta




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Mar 05 2015, 12:12 am
pause wrote:
Right. Wait for THE perfect job with THE perfect boss before conceiving a child? Most people I know who work are happy to have any job. They can't afford to be picky about the accommodations they will get for the two weeks after birth. They care more about being able to pay their bills. I'm sorry but you are sounding a bit removed from reality and high on your horse.


Actually I don't think you're sorry at all.

I planned my career and finances, and I'm not ashamed of being responsible. I certainly wasn't open to having a child before I had job stability and a job I could return to. Prior to FMLA woman and men who took parental leave had no guarantees that they would have a job after their leave. FMLA is a protection against that. I had access to FMLA when I got my foster children many years ago and my job at that time did not pay FMLA, but I had savings to cover the transition time with them.
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Jeanette




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Mar 05 2015, 12:16 am
Quote:
I think imamother needs a new rule: indicate which community you're from to get answers that match those standards.


I'd like to suggest an amendment to that rule:

Answer the question that was asked!

If the poster is asking for advice, offer advice if you think it would be helpful. Don't bash the poster for being so stupid as to ask the question, or point out how you would never be in that situation to begin with, or how you disagree with the whole premise of the question.

Create a spin-off for that if you must. If you have nothing helpful to offer, stay off the thread.

Thread: looking for good potato kugel recipe

Ugh, potato kugel? Dripping with oil and carbs?
Why take a perfectly good vegetable and drown it in eggs and other junk? Why not eat your potatoes lightly steamed?
Potato kugel? Get out of the 19th century.
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pause




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Mar 05 2015, 12:20 am
MagentaYenta wrote:
Actually I don't think you're sorry at all.

I planned my career and finances, and I'm not ashamed of being responsible. I certainly wasn't open to having a child before I had job stability and a job I could return to. Prior to FMLA woman and men who took parental leave had no guarantees that they would have a job after their leave. FMLA is a protection against that. I had access to FMLA when I got my foster children many years ago and my job at that time did not pay FMLA, but I had savings to cover the transition time with them.

Whoopee for you that your life worked out just as you planned...!
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Jeanette




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Mar 05 2015, 12:26 am
MagentaYenta wrote:
Actually I don't think you're sorry at all.

I planned my career and finances, and I'm not ashamed of being responsible. I certainly wasn't open to having a child before I had job stability and a job I could return to. Prior to FMLA woman and men who took parental leave had no guarantees that they would have a job after their leave. FMLA is a protection against that. I had access to FMLA when I got my foster children many years ago and my job at that time did not pay FMLA, but I had savings to cover the transition time with them.


What a beautiful world it would be
if everyone in it were just like me.
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amother


 

Post Thu, Mar 05 2015, 1:34 am
Its been a long time since I've come on here to read and take part of the discussions. Let's just say that by reading this thread I have been forever cured from imamother.
( I couldn't even find an emoticon that properly portrays my utter disgust!)
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Raisin




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Mar 05 2015, 6:02 am
Mimisinger wrote:
YES!!! The infantilization of both men and women! They're called girls and boys until they're married. The men learn and don't need to provide an income, the women have to be pampered with cleaning help, baby nurses, babysitters, and so many don't even make shabbos or weeknight dinner for their first year of marriage. I just don't get it.


actually in chassidish circles where this is common men do work.
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moonbeam




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Mar 05 2015, 9:27 am
Um, yeah, I think it's pretty evident that yesterday was a fast day. Oy.

Reading the thread this morning this was my thought:
To all the women bashing OP with talk about abandonment and harming the child's emotional state by removing them from the family for a period of time and having them cared for by someone who is not their parent: I assume you are all full time SAHM's who homeschool your children and never use a nanny. Just sayin'. Wink

OP, I agree with others that I would do a bigger gift. I would personally go with cash ($300 or so?) but If the people who watched your kids are such as aren't expecting any thing in return and would be upset by your giving them cash (as some women here have stated they themselves would be) I would go for a nice toy for the kids and think of something the parents might like, such as a spa package or a few nights at a restaurant.
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Barbara




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Mar 05 2015, 12:04 pm
eemachana wrote:
Um, yeah, I think it's pretty evident that yesterday was a fast day. Oy.

Reading the thread this morning this was my thought:
To all the women bashing OP with talk about abandonment and harming the child's emotional state by removing them from the family for a period of time and having them cared for by someone who is not their parent: I assume you are all full time SAHM's who homeschool your children and never use a nanny. Just sayin'. Wink

OP, I agree with others that I would do a bigger gift. I would personally go with cash ($300 or so?) but If the people who watched your kids are such as aren't expecting any thing in return and would be upset by your giving them cash (as some women here have stated they themselves would be) I would go for a nice toy for the kids and think of something the parents might like, such as a spa package or a few nights at a restaurant.


Not bashing, but do you honestly not see the difference between a 6 year old going to school in the morning and coming home in the afternoon, and am 18 month old not seeing his parents for 2 weeks?
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Ema of 5




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Mar 05 2015, 12:28 pm
Maya wrote:
Just to clarify, I think it's a ridiculous system. I don't give my kids to anyone and I don't take others either.

The main issue I have with this system is that mothers are less responsible when making family planning decisions because they figure they have all this built-in help and assistance. I bet you all that if the practice was eliminated and mothers would have to have all their children home two days after giving birth, they'd stop getting pregnant every eighteen months. Which, in turn, would lead to more functional homes.

Just my opinion.

But if you ARE giving your kid away for two weeks, $75.00 is not enough of a "gift."

I haven't read past this so I don't know how many people responded. I just want to say that large family does not necessarily equal dysfunction. One of my sisters had a big family and I don't think she's ever sent her kids away. I know she went to another sister for a few days, but her other kids were home I think. I don't really think it's fair to make such sweeping generalizations. I know small families (3 or less kids) which are quite dysfunctional, and large families (5+) where the mother goes away or the kids are sent to friends or family for a few weeks, and they are all quite functional and well adjusted.
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behappyeveryday




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Mar 05 2015, 2:47 pm
OP here.
Firstly my son is five years old, and he was prepared beforehand, and picked where he'd like to stay. He was explained that a mother is very weak after a baby and he'll be away for a short time and then he'll come back home. Yes in my circles sending kids away for two weeks is the norm and no I don't feel like I'm abandoning my child, I'm doing it for the good of my kids that they should have a strong healthy mom.

My son came home for the kiddush on shabbus and he gladly went back and also took him home now for purim and he really enjoyed and again gave no hard time go back.

For those that don't understand, I really don't give a .....I'm doing what best for my kids and myself.

Happy purim to all
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shabbatiscoming




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Mar 05 2015, 3:23 pm
kitov wrote:
the father works so he can support his growing family. how can a working father be available during the day/evening when the kids need dinner/homework/bath?

(had the father been home to care for the kids, I'm pretty sure someone would post asking how irresponsible the husband is for noot working while his wife is having a gazzillion babies!)
First of all, there is not one or the other. It does not have to be the father being at work all day OR at home all day. Like I said, when I was in the hospital for a week last year, my husband went to work, but went in later and came home earlier. His boss understood (I would hope bosses would understand a husband having to do those things right after a wife has a baby, for a week or so) and that was that. And as for during the day, so that same family member that would be haaving the children over to sleep, why cant they just come to the family during the day if that is needed?
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shabbatiscoming




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Mar 05 2015, 3:30 pm
2ringsnow wrote:
So glad I live in a community where we help each other ! So glad I don't have to choose not to have more kids ! It's awesome!!
Wink
Wow, what a way to be snarky. Just because someone may live in a community that does not send their children out does not mean that they live in a commuity that does not help. A good friend just had a baby. We made them meals for two weeks. Her other children were taken care of after school for a while as well, and other people took care of getting the kids off teh bus in the afternoon. We help each other as well. And I know that here and there some of the kids hd random sleep overs to ease the transition to one more child.
Nobody here is choosing to not have more children because we dont send our kids out. There are families in my commuity that have 1 oe 2 kids and there are families in my community that have 9 and 12 kids. Please dont assume that this would make people decide to have less kids, because they dont send their kids out.
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2ringsnow




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Mar 05 2015, 8:03 pm
Maya wrote:
Just to clarify, I think it's a ridiculous system. I don't give my kids to anyone and I don't take others either.

The main issue I have with this system is that mothers are less responsible when making family planning decisions because they figure they have all this built-in help and assistance. I bet you all that if the practice was eliminated and mothers would have to have all their children home two days after giving birth, they'd stop getting pregnant every eighteen months. Which, in turn, would lead to more functional homes.

Just my opinion.

But if you ARE giving your kid away for two weeks, $75.00 is not enough of a "gift."

I was referring to this post !
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sweetpotato




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Mar 05 2015, 8:58 pm
I'm not sure there's any point to posting here, but . . .

I'm not chassidish in the slightest, nor do I live in a community where it is necessarily common to have very large families or closely spaced children (though I'm due in a few weeks and have an 18 month old, I guess in the interest of full disclosure).

I really don't understand the vitriol and hyperbole in this thread surrounding the idea of having a child stay with friends or relatives for a week or two following the birth of a baby.

Maybe it's not what you would do, but the idea that it's somehow permanently harming the child, abusive, etc. seems to be pulled out of thin air. Does anyone actually have a study that shows longterm evidence of children being psychologically harmed by short term absences from their primary caregivers? What about sending an infant to daycare for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week beginning at 2 months?

Parents make decisions like this all the time. My good friend and her husband, who is an MO rabbi, had to travel abroad for about two weeks when he was interviewing for synagogue positions. They left their then 20-month year old daughter in the care of a close friend. Another friend, who is not Jewish, was in nursing school and did an externship over the summer in a different city. Because of the crazy hours she was working, it wasn't feasible to bring her toddler with her, and her husband is in the military. So her toddler spent most of the summer with her grandparents. My husband's parents went to Italy when he was 12 months old and he spent two weeks with his grandparents. I really, really don't think any of these kids were irreparably harmed by the experience. I also don't think any of these parents were negligent or spoiled or callous toward their kids.

Postpartum mothers (and fathers) need help. Can anyone dispute that? Maybe that help takes the form of getting cleaning help and a nurse; maybe family members come to stay; maybe friends and relatives help out with childcare.

We should be supporting one another rather than constantly trying to tear one another down.
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marina




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Mar 05 2015, 9:29 pm
this is totally cultural. In my culture and family, kids go to their grandparents in the summer. So from the age of 1-2 I spent the entire summer (2-3 MONTHS) with my grandparents in their city, until we moved out of the country when I was 5. I have some very nice memories of that time and I'm not traumatized and I don't feel like my mother doesn't love me blah blah blah. I remember their garden and going swimming with them and visiting their work etc. It was fun and I'm sure my parents enjoyed the nice break.
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kitov




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Mar 06 2015, 12:55 am
marina wrote:
this is totally cultural. In my culture and family, kids go to their grandparents in the summer. So from the age of 1-2 I spent the entire summer (2-3 MONTHS) with my grandparents in their city, until we moved out of the country when I was 5. I have some very nice memories of that time and I'm not traumatized and I don't feel like my mother doesn't love me blah blah blah. I remember their garden and going swimming with them and visiting their work etc. It was fun and I'm sure my parents enjoyed the nice break.
Wow, this sounds like an amazing setup! can I borrow your grandparents this summer? I can use a little break...

btw, just curious, how do the grandparents have the koach to keep up with einiklech for such a long time? I cant ever see my parents or in laws handling that!
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smss




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Mar 06 2015, 1:48 pm
sweetpotato wrote:
Does anyone actually have a study that shows longterm evidence of children being psychologically harmed by short term absences from their primary caregivers? What about sending an infant to daycare for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week beginning at 2 months?


studies are great, but sometimes you just have to imagine yourself in your child's place and think how you would feel if you were them. (in OP's case, honestly it sounds very non-traumatic, just commenting in general...) I believe there actually are studies that show that babies in daycare have higher stress levels than babies who are not.

sweetpotato wrote:
Postpartum mothers (and fathers) need help. Can anyone dispute that? Maybe that help takes the form of getting cleaning help and a nurse; maybe family members come to stay; maybe friends and relatives help out with childcare.

We should be supporting one another rather than constantly trying to tear one another down.


ITA.
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sky




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Mar 06 2015, 2:02 pm
When my kids go to someone (a family member) the 2 - 3 days I'm away I typically give them $100 - 150 gift certificate somewhere, last time I did a linen store.

Personally, I don't think a kid would be so damaged being sent away. Especially to family that they know and love. They may be clingy and upset when their mother comes home, my kids are like that when I come home from the hospital, and that is just after 2\3 days.
And it is definitely cultural that people send their kids away to go on vacation, and that has nothing to do with having large families.

[I'm especially upset where everyone judged OP and made assumptions, her kid is 5 (not 2), came home for shabbos, was happy to go, chose who to go to, went happily. Sounds perfect to me).

Its not so simple for families for fathers to just take off (I don't send my children out after having a baby).
[For example imagine if you are a tenant and the manager\owner of your small apartment building takes 2 weeks off for a new baby and your toilet overflows, the roof leaks, and the heat breaks. there is no maintenance guy living in the building because it is so small. Wouldn't you rejoice with him over his new baby and wait patiently for him to come back].

Especially if someone is self employed in their own small company like many frum people are, besides not making any money, customers are being dissapointed and upset and it could have long term repercussions.
Life isn't always so simple.
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nyer1




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Mar 06 2015, 3:45 pm
I understand needing a break after childbirth but 2 weeks sounds excessive to me. 2-3 days I could understand, assuming the older child knows the alternative caregiver.
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