Husband not careful with safety

amother

Wed, Jan 28 2015, 1:04 pm

Ok so this is what happened. H prepared hot drink for all the kids. He filled up cups til the top with steaming hot liquid. I told him we dont fill up so much for little kids (7, 5, 3) and to please pour some into the other cups. He said but he already filled up all the cups. So he gave it to the kids. Guess what, cup overturns onto 7yo's arm. First degree burns over 6 inches of arm and hand. He felt very bad obviously but when we discussed it later, H said he had no idea that we dont give such full cups to kids, he is used to making hot drinks for himself and it never entered his mind to be more careful for the kids. I tried to give him an out, saying it must be because he was on the phone while making drinks and didnt realize. He didnt take it - he said he doesnt think it would have made a difference, he just didnt realize that full cups of steaming hot drinks are not for little kids.

Question is, is this normal? Shouldnt a parent have their childrens safety in the front of their mind constantly? Is this just a clueless man thing, or a sign of a deeper problem? I know he does care about the kids very much but we have VERY different ideas about parenting. How can I trust him with the kids if he has no clue about safety? How should I deal with this?

chani8

Wed, Jan 28 2015, 1:58 pm

You're so angry with him right now that he doesn't even get a 'D'. I would be very upset if my child got burned because of such a mistake, too. Not having a clue about safety is possibly a personality thing. I know that some people are very easily and intuitively safety conscious, while others are not. People lacking in safety consciousness can learn. But it just isn't intuitive to them. How can you hate a person for not being programmed with that ability to see what you see? Don't hate him. Implore him to learn about safety. My DH once gave my firstborn DD a plate of very hot mashed potatoes and she proceeded to stick a spoonful in her mouth and got burned. Horrible! He learned. He was horrified. Devastated. It's sad to make such mistakes that cause harm to others. Nobody wants to do that. Your child got burned. Your DH got a wake up call. He's probably ready to listen to you and learn about safety. Just teach from a place of love and respect. Work on yourself to let go of your anger and horror. And prepare yourself for how you are going to teach safety to your DH and family.

Chayalle

Wed, Jan 28 2015, 2:07 pm

Sounds like clueless guy syndrome. The unfortunate reality is that many kids get hurt each year because their parents (make that both the guy and the gal) are clueless.

I'm guilty myself. A couple of years ago I put my 5 year old DD into the back of a shopping cart on my way into a store. Didn't know that's a safety no-no. The cart hit a bump in the parking lot and she fell out, landed on her head, and suffered a fractured skull and internal bleeding. B"H she fully recovered. In the hospital (CHOP) they told me they see tons of such cases each year. Since then, I see kids in the back of a shopping cart all the time, and when I tell the parents how unsafe that is, they generally look at me like I'm deranged or something. Very rarely do they actually remove the kid from the back of the cart.

So I've seen lots of times that parents don't follow thru with safety instructions, even if they are told. They just won't learn until R"L the boo-boo actually happens. Maybe that's why every child has two angels watching over him/her. Parents are not enough.

BTW we don't just not fill their cups with hot drinks....we don't give drinks that are hot enough to cause 1st degree burns to young children, altogether. We keep them on the counter till somewhat cooled off before giving them out. Do you put a steaming bowl of hot soup in front of your young child? That's asking for a burn to happen CH"V.

sourstix

Wed, Jan 28 2015, 2:21 pm

[quote="Chayalle"]Sounds like clueless guy syndrome. The unfortunate reality is that many kids get hurt each year because their parents (make that both the guy and the gal) are clueless.

I'm guilty myself. A couple of years ago I put my 5 year old DD into the back of a shopping cart on my way into a store. Didn't know that's a safety no-no. The cart hit a bump in the parking lot and she fell out, landed on her head, and suffered a fractured skull and internal bleeding. B"H she fully recovered. In the hospital (CHOP) they told me they see tons of such cases each year. Since then, I see kids in the back of a shopping cart all the time, and when I tell the parents how unsafe that is, they generally look at me like I'm deranged or something. Very rarely do they actually remove the kid from the back of the cart.

So I've seen lots of times that parents don't follow thru with safety instructions, even if they are told. They just won't learn until R"L the boo-boo actually happens. Maybe that's why every child has two angels watching over him/her. Parents are not enough.

BTW we don't just not fill their cups with hot drinks....we don't give drinks that are hot enough to cause 1st degree burns to young children, altogether. We keep them on the counter till somewhat cooled off before giving them out. Do you put a steaming bowl of hot soup in front of your young child? That's asking for a burn to happen CH"V.[/quote]

I am sorry that happened, I just have afew ques. was she standing? was the bump that big and you didnt see it? I am just trying to get the string of events that led her to fall. again I am sorry it did happen to her. I can see parents looking at you like what are you talking about.

Chayalle

Wed, Jan 28 2015, 2:55 pm

sourstix wrote:

I am sorry that happened, I just have afew ques. was she standing? was the bump that big and you didnt see it? I am just trying to get the string of events that led her to fall. again I am sorry it did happen to her. I can see parents looking at you like what are you talking about.

She was sitting. It was not a big, obvious bump - more like a dent where the parking lot was sloping upwards as I was transitioning from the road to the sidewalk in front of the store. It's the craziest thing that ever happened. One minute she was sitting in the back of the cart, and then it bounced into the air, and she flew out the back. I was walking quickly because it was a FREEEEZING day. I still can't understand how exactly it happened.

Parents think it's safe to put a child in the back of a shopping cart. I thought so too. It's not. In CHOP, they told me NEVER PUT A CHILD IN THE BACK OF A SHOPPING CART. They see many many such injuries every year, and not all of them end well.

See - many times we really are clueless about safety. And even when someone TELLS us it's unsafe, we still think we can go ahead and do it and nothing will happen.

That's exactly my point.

amother

Wed, Jan 28 2015, 3:24 pm

I have this same issue with my husband. I find myself telling him many times about things that I think are not safe what he is doing (sorry for my grammar - I'm too lazy to correct it). For example, he sent my 6 year old to get hot water for coffee from the neighbor. He let 3 year old use a peeler (and the kid got a big cut), etc.

I spoke about it directly with my husband. I told him I don't want to have to argue with you in front of the children because that's very unhealthy for children to see Mommy undermining Daddy's authority. How can we make this work? I explained to him how sometimes he doesn't seem to have the correct perception of safety/danger, and asked if we can make an agreement if I let him know that I think something is dangerous, he will agree to completely listen to me without arguing. I agreed not to abuse this (e.g. if he's giving the kids sugar cereal for breakfast Wink

)
So I'll just say "honey, that could be dangerous - he could get burned." And dh will say "oh really? ok". zehu.

smss

Wed, Jan 28 2015, 3:46 pm

Chayalle wrote:

She was 5 years old, not in a car seat. Yes, I sat her in the back where the food goes.

I've heard that a car seat should be hooked to the wagon. I remember the one I had had a latch that locked onto the cart. I used to put it on the front of the wagon, where the seat is.

I got that, I was just saying I thought that was considered a safe place...
Thanks for clarifying. It's good to know.

They say putting a car seat on the front, even if it's latched, is not safe because it could make the cart tip.

zaq

Wed, Jan 28 2015, 6:45 pm

OP, not to heap coals of fire on your head, but your only concern seemed to be that your dh caused an accident by overfilling the cups. You seem to have no qualms about serving steaming hot beverages to young children if the containers are not full. Had your dc been served an overfull mug of a comfortably warm beverage, absolutely nothing except maybe someone's pride would have gotten hurt when it spilled.

Yes, your dh is clueless. So you clue him in. You know he did not mean to burn your child, who is also his child. I'm sure your dh felt terrible about your dc accident and will never, ever make this mistake again. You proceed to make a blanket accusation that he is not careful about the children's safety, but you give exactly ONE example of an accident that could have happened to anyone who was distracted by talking on the phone. One stupid act does not make your dh untrustworthy. You never did anything that put your dc at risk? Ever? Never walked down the street with your toddler lagging behind you or running ahead of you? Never pushed a stroller ahead of you into the crosswalk instead of pulling it behind you so you could see if any vehicles were coming along? Never left your infant on a bed or changing table for half a second while you dashed to get the phone, or a diaper? Ah.

Now if you told us that your dh drives your small children around without approved child restraints, tells them his prescription meds are candy and spikes their chocolate milk with liquor, then you would be justified in saying your dh is not to be trusted with your dc safety. Otherwise, acknowledge his ignorance--nobody is born a safety professional, after all--and teach him what he needs to know without assassinating his character.

amother

Wed, Jan 28 2015, 8:38 pm

Chayalle wrote:

I'm so sorry your daughter had that experience. I honestly never heard of shopping carts being an issue, but after rdg your post I googled it and apparently, it's a real concern. Looks like they're advising not to put an infant seat in a shopping cart at all--I never knew!

http://www.washingtonpost.com/......html

I can imagine having done the exact same thing as you did, thinking that putting a 5 yr old in the shopping cart would be a safer way to navigate a parking lot than trusting her to hold my skirt as I maneuvered the cart....

sourstix

Wed, Jan 28 2015, 8:43 pm

[quote="zaq"]OP, not to heap coals of fire on your head, but your only concern seemed to be that your dh caused an accident by overfilling the cups. You seem to have no qualms about serving steaming hot beverages to young children if the containers are not full. Had your dc been served an overfull mug of a comfortably warm beverage, absolutely nothing except maybe someone's pride would have gotten hurt when it spilled.

Yes, your dh is clueless. So you clue him in. You know he did not mean to burn your child, who is also his child. I'm sure your dh felt terrible about your dc accident and will never, ever make this mistake again. You proceed to make a blanket accusation that he is not careful about the children's safety, but you give exactly ONE example of an accident that could have happened to anyone who was distracted by talking on the phone. One stupid act does not make your dh untrustworthy. You never did anything that put your dc at risk? Ever? Never walked down the street with your toddler lagging behind you or running ahead of you? Never pushed a stroller ahead of you into the crosswalk instead of pulling it behind you so you could see if any vehicles were coming along? Never left your infant on a bed or changing table for half a second while you dashed to get the phone, or a diaper? Ah.

Now if you told us that your dh drives your small children around without approved child restraints, tells them his prescription meds are candy and spikes their chocolate milk with liquor, then you would be justified in saying your dh is not to be trusted with your dc safety. Otherwise, acknowledge his ignorance--nobody is born a safety professional, after all--and teach him what he needs to know without assassinating his character.[/quote]

I love your no nonsense approach, I wish someone clued me in from time to time like that. thank you. this was a lesson for me too. so much depends on how we look at things. I hope zaq your in the field of chinuch we can use someone like you!!!!

morah

Thu, Jan 29 2015, 10:43 am

zaq wrote:

All of this- but I would add, it may have something to do with you being the primary caregiver. If you spend more time with the kids, you get a better feel for the precautions you need to take. Maybe he thinks he doesn't have to worry about a 7 year old child spilling stuff, but you know your 7 year old IS prone to spills. You notice when your toddler can suddenly reach or scale something that he couldn't last week, and it doesn't occur to him that he's reached that milestone. You have a better idea of what you need to look out for because you understand their habits better- this kid is a climber, that kid is a runner, etc. I would just try to communicate better- like, our kids are spillers, we really shouldn't ever give them anything hot. Don't criticize. I'm sure preventable injuries have happened on your watch- they've happened on mine! But come from a place of, I'm with the kids for X hours a day, and this is what I've found we need to look out for.

amother

Thu, Jan 29 2015, 12:57 pm

zaq wrote:

OP here.

Of course I told him to wait until it cools down. When I give the kids "hot" drinks I 1) pour hot water halfway up and then add cold water 2) wait until there's no more steam. My concern is more than I told him this and he ignored it. He claimed he already made it, now what should he do? And proceeded to serve it to the kids.

My question was whether it's normal that he doesn't know this. This seems to come instinctively to me and it was worrying that he doesn't seem to know/care that his actions aren't safe. But thank you for reassuring me that this can be learned and its not a symptom of a deeper problem.

amother

Thu, Jan 29 2015, 12:58 pm

morah wrote:

Op here.

This is reassuring. Thank you.

Chayalle

Thu, Jan 29 2015, 3:45 pm

amother wrote:

Wow thanks for posting that link. I would love to spread awareness of shopping cart safety, as it's something I see all the time - kids unsafe in the shopping cart - and it's a real trigger for me. I hope many amothers access that link and take this seriously.

Thank you for your kind words, too.