Friendship of kids vs Friendship of mothers (long)

amother

Thu, Oct 23 2014, 3:28 am

Ok this is long.

I have a friend who has kids the same age as mine.
She used to live in another town and we would visit them a couple of times a year.
This year, they moved to our town, the one of reasons being that our community is bigger and their kids didn't have a lot of friends.

Ok, a couple of days after they started school, my son was calling her son names with the other boy. I told him off. We consulted a psychologist and he said to let it be and watch how it develops, because it changes quickly. It disappeared quickly.
Later on, her son started to call my son names but I didn't say anything to the friend, because of what the psychologist said. I didn't give it much thought.

We would play together a lot, and every time her son would get aggressive, usually out of boredom, throwing ball at my son etc. That would happen perhaps 1 time per playdate, and then they would be friends again.
After such playdates my son would still agree to play with him if I suggested it.

This week it happened again. I don't know who started first, but in the end her son was not just hitting back, but chasing mine across the playground and hitting him with a stick.
Then they made up and next day we had an outing together, which went smooth.

Yesterday though, my son said that he doesn't want to play with her son because every time he attacks him either verbally or physically.
And when my friend called me yesterday to invite us I had to tell her what my son told me.
She said she saw that they were fighting but didn't want to mix in. That she sees the difference of characters and she won't force her son into this friendship anymore. I know she doesn't encourage the hitting because it happens at home too and they are working on it.
The fact is, that the play date experience is usually good and bad at the same time.

I don't know what to do. They are only 6. They change their mind so quickly. I am afraid that my friend is making more drama out of it, and will decide forever not to play together.
I want to wait it out and start meeting them again, but I am afraid my friend decided from now on they are not friends any more
What should I do now?
Sad

Shopmiami49

Thu, Oct 23 2014, 5:11 am

There is never a way to for sure know who started it and who is at fault. Unless you see both boys from beginning of playdate until the end and see their every interaction, verbal and visual...then maybe...

Honestly, none of what you mentioned sounds super alarming. It sounds like two 6 yr old boys who have a love hate relationship. it also sounds like maybe they are together too much, which is common when the moms are friends. I would discuss it with your friend and decide together to take a break from getting together for a couple of weeks. I wouldn't mention anything to the boys - don't turn it into a bigger deal than what it is. A little time apart may be all that they need.

heidi

Thu, Oct 23 2014, 5:26 am

When my oldest son was a toddler we lived in a very small community and my closest friend had a son exactly a year older than mine. Neither of us worked and we did everything together. Our children would usually parallel play and when they played together they did well. Until her son started to develop violent tendencies (that incidentally stayed with him for many years). For a long time I would comfort my ds when he got hit or pushed bcz this friendship with his mother was so important to me. I neededssomeone to "play with" during the day. One day her son shoved my ds into a metal fence and in a flash I realized that I was making my son into the korban of my friendship.
From that day on there were no more play dates. I never explained why to my friend. The first few times she asked I was busy and she got the hint. She also wasn't blind and saw what was happening when we got together. Our friendship continued mostly over the phone.
Op, your job is to protect your child

amother

Thu, Oct 23 2014, 9:00 am

Shopmiami49 wrote:

Thank you. I just feel that she might take it personally.

amother

Thu, Oct 23 2014, 9:03 am

heidi wrote:

OP here
Was there no chance of you meeting up without kids?
I think we should differentiate between kids play dates and adult play dates. Sometimes you want a play date because you want to organize quality time for your child, so this is ikkar. Sometimes you want to spend time together as adults, and the kids have to figure it out, because there is nowhere else for them to be.

Am I wrong?

Chayalle

Thu, Oct 23 2014, 10:27 am

My mother's best friend's daughter is a few days younger than me. We never hit it off (to their great disapointment.) We went to the same school, and even the same seminary. When I meet her these days, we great each other warmly as adults, as we have so many shared childhood memories...but that's it. We will shmooze for a few minutes, and go our separate ways. I guess we just have different personalities.

Now what's cute is that her niece - who has the same name as her mother A"H (my mother's friend passed away a few years ago, and this is her son's DD) - has met up with my 6 year old on the school bus and they just gravitate to each other. They are in parallel classes in a huge school, and have found each other anyway. And my DD takes after my mother in many ways. So - looks like the next generation might just continue this friendship. It's hilarious!

You can make time for your friend without your son. After a few months you can try again and see if it works, but if it doesn't, just keep in mind that your child is an individual and will choose his own friends based on his own personal inclinations and preferences for friendship.

Scrabble123

Thu, Oct 23 2014, 10:35 am

Why do you care who your kids are friends with? I used to fight daily with my best friend when from Second - Fifth grade. Mind you it wasn't physically, but the teacher said that she never got involved because we always made up afterwards and were very mature about it. There were other kids who fought and the teacher intervened. I don't see why it's parents business who their children are friends with. Also, 6 year old boys can chase each other with sticks. I understand why parents would want to work on such behaviors, but it's not so "off."

amother

Thu, Oct 23 2014, 10:48 am

Sounds like a pretty normal 6yo boy friendship to me. I'd try to keep perspective w the other mom; discuss that violence is not ok, and that the boys should know that if either boy physically hurts the other, the playdate is immediately over, and they can't see each other the next day either. As long as neither one is consistently bullied, and they both still sometimes want to play, it can work with parental supervision and intervention. If either boy wants a break, you have the advantage of being the adults who like each other, and can just be honest: We love each other, but our boys have a lot of drama; let's give them a break from each each other for awhile. Good luck, and may this be your more challenging parenting dilemma:-) (I meant that as a bracha, not to minimize your concern)

heidi

Fri, Oct 24 2014, 2:51 am

OP, to answer your question, we were both young mothers and had nowhere to leave our kids if we wanted to get together without them. Also, as I mentioned we wanted to spend time together and it was fine as long as the kids were OK.
I don't think 6 year old boys need their mommies along on playdates. Arrange time with your friend when the kids are in school etc. and arrange playdates for your son with boys he wants to play with.