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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Infants
She made me feel like a bad mother
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amother


 

Post Thu, Oct 23 2014, 9:30 am
disclaimer: this is a vent so please don't take bits of sentences apart for critique
Last night I was at a family simcha. my cousin was there too with her first little grl. I was ther with my first little boy - same ages. Through the whole thing I felt that she was trying to prove that shes a great mom by putting me down.
first she commented on the lack of toys. mind you I have 1 nice toy on the stroller. but she has a whole jungle gym. (you know those strollers that have more toys than an elevators weight limit?)
she knows I work full time(we basically married ourselves off) while she is supported by her parents and works two hours a day during her husbands evening home hours.
she goes on to comment about how babies develop so much better when taken care of by their own relatives.
hint hint: you are a lousy mother that lets others raise your baby.
she went on and on subtly pointing out things that I don't do and she does.
oh you dont put music on for her when she is falling asleep? oy what a loss
you don't take her for a stroll outside? oy its s o stimulating
and on and on
I came home misrable
never mind that my baby is up to date fully breast fed even though I work
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MaBelleVie




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Oct 23 2014, 9:35 am
She sounds extremely insecure. Keep doing the great job that you are Smile
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scrltfr




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Oct 23 2014, 9:38 am
You're a great mother doing the best you can. I hate people like that
They do it because they are insecure.
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Chayalle




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Oct 23 2014, 9:43 am
What everyone said.

There are some people whose words are meant to go in one ear and out the other. Or better yet, stop at the first ear.

This is one of them.
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amother


 

Post Thu, Oct 23 2014, 9:55 am
I agree, that behavior is very annoying. Whenever I was around them, my husband's sisters, who didn't work outside the home, used to make comments about how much better it was to stay home with your kids then to work full-time. Of course I was working full-time then, to put my husband through school (funny how they never minded calling him at all hours for free professional advice).

Now that they're mostly working outside the home and I stay home with my kids, I'm sure if I hung around them I'd hear about how it's much better for kids if their mothers work at least part-time.

The best part about not being married anymore is not spending time with his family! So much better for me and for my kids, who didn't like them much.

Sorry for hijacking your vent OP. But I really do get you, and as the other posters said, it's about her, not you. If you did have lots of toys or played music, she'd probably tell you that you were overstimulating your baby.

And I think it's very impressive that you're working and nursing. I've done that, and it isn't easy.
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Runner18




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Oct 23 2014, 10:10 am
Sometimes I find that humor is the way I can get a serious message across....

"My poor baby...I hope he doesn't end up in therapy because he only had one toy in his stroller as a baby!"

"So, when are you starting your lucrative mommy blog since you know everything!?!!"

"Gee, I didn't know I was getting a mommy report card tonight"

In response to her saying "oh you dont put music on for her when she is falling asleep? oy what a loss
you don't take her for a stroll outside? oy its s o stimulating "....I would say something like, "hey she's doing great, this is what works for us".

People are incredibly self-centered. When they make these comments, it's really about their need to feel like they're so amazing and mommy of the universe. I remind myself of this when I encounter it in other moms who play this bragging game with me; and I'll usually say something like, "yo this isn't a race, unless you want it to be?"
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Raisin




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Oct 23 2014, 11:51 am
I'm sorry. People like that are so annoying.
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marina




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Oct 23 2014, 12:06 pm
hahahahaha

Here's a website you will enjoy. It is a FB page about sanctimommies and the crazy things they say while being offensive and trying to fake not being offensive. It is a sarcastic site, don't take it seriously.

https://www.facebook.com/pages.....00365
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Barbara




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Oct 23 2014, 12:13 pm
Y'all are nicer than me. I'd say something like, "haven't you read the latest studies about ... oh, I'm sorry. I promised I wouldn't talk about things like that today. I'm sure Snowflake will be just fine."
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Barbara




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Oct 23 2014, 12:14 pm
marina wrote:
hahahahaha

Here's a website you will enjoy. It is a FB page about sanctimommies and the crazy things they say while being offensive and trying to fake not being offensive. It is a sarcastic site, don't take it seriously.

https://www.facebook.com/pages.....00365


I've read about 70% of those here.
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Scrabble123




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Oct 23 2014, 12:16 pm
When people say such things to me (on a variety of topics) I either ignore it or say "Wow! You're such an amazing mother! I'm sure you are the best in the world!" in a ridiculously exaggerated tone. Most people get the hint and feel like fools.
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black sheep




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Oct 23 2014, 12:18 pm
she sounds very insecure.

I am sure you know that she is wrong in her comments, but just in case, let me point out that more toys are not necessary, walks outside are not necessary, and being supported by your parents are not necessary to be a good mother. and you are able to breastfeed even while working full time, that is the true testament to a great mother!

ironically, the insecure mothers who make others feel bad about their parenting are likely to make similar comments to their own children and damage their self esteem. making other mothers feel bad is not the sign of a good mother.

since this person is a relative and you will likely see her again, you need to develop a strategy to divert attention away from you and back to her. what I do with people like this is loudly compliment their baby when they start with this comparison talk.
her: "your son only has one toy on his stroller?"
you: "I see your Raizel has an entire toy store! and k'naina-huro, she is so alert! look at how cute she is! where did you buy that beautiful baby dress?!"
her: "do you take him outside for walks?"
you: "oh look, Raizel is babling! it almost sounds like she is saying 'I love you mommy', you don't want to miss it, do you have video on your phone? she is too cute, how do you not snap pictures and videos all day?"

gush on her baby and don't respond to questions about yours. that's what I do with people like this. and sometimes it comes from older women, so just find something about them to gush about. turn the conversation towards complimenting the insecure person, and it takes away her power to pick on you.
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black sheep




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Oct 23 2014, 12:19 pm
ha, scrabble, we posted at the same time, and I see we think alike! Smile
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musicmom




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Oct 23 2014, 12:24 pm
I know someone like this. In this case it is my cousin's mother. She would always like to compare the development of our children (mine vs. her grandkids). The truth is, my children do not do what hers do, and have not had the opportunities that hers have had. My children do other things that hers do not do, as every child is different and has unique abilities. However, I do not put those things in her face for comparisons, because I am not that kind of person. These relatives are through my marriage. I'll admit that at the beginning of this "competition" where she made me feel worse, I went out and bought cloth diapers to "show her" I could do everything too. Just be yourself and DO NOT answer questions that make your kids look bad. HIGHLIGHT your own kids strengths! I felt so bad that her kid is swimming and I couldn't even afford lessons. Now we have a swim membership and my child goes under water while her child does the crawl stroke. But, whatever I feel bad about, I try and work on privately. Her kid is not better than mine! I wouldn't trade her for anything!!!
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imorethanamother




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Oct 23 2014, 1:27 pm
Eh. Don't worry about it. I wouldn't give it a second's thought. People are usually overly hysterical with their first baby, worrying about every little nuance. Bottles? Nursing? Crying themselves to sleep? None of it has any relevance to who they'll be as grown ups. Really. It's just things we busy ourselves with to make ourselves believe we're in control of our child's future.

Next time just change the topic. I find talking about children boring anyway. There's so much else going on in the world!
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amother


 

Post Thu, Oct 23 2014, 2:12 pm
Quote:
None of it has any relevance to who they'll be as grown ups. Really. It's just things we busy ourselves with to make ourselves believe we're in control of our child's future.



This. A million times this.
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mummiedearest




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Oct 23 2014, 2:15 pm
"oy, nebach, your child only has one toy on his stroller!"

"that's one too many, cousin x. toys on strollers represent american commercialism, and I'll have none of it. in fact, at home I only give the baby a curly piece of sanded wood to play with. you're poisoning your child's development with all that colorful plastic garbage."

"oy, you don't take your kid out in the fresh air? but it's so stimulating for him! that's so sad!"

"fresh air? what fresh air?! all the air around us is polluted! are you crazy? I keep my child at home with a medical-grade air filter! I would never do that to his blessed little lungs! what do you want me to do, abuse him?"

"you know, it's so much better to have an immediate family member be the primary caregiver."

"you know, it's so much better to support your own children financially instead of forcing your parents to do it..."
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zohar




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Oct 23 2014, 3:09 pm
BTW, EVERYONE finds her annoying. The people who hear these conversations are all on your side sis!!
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bnm




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Oct 23 2014, 4:02 pm
my MIL was always comparing my son to her sister's grandson who is the same age. 'he is walking'... my son walked a week or 2 later in a totally normal time frame... 'he says totty/mommy' duh MIL my kid is DELAYED. VERY DELAYED. When your discussing spectrum diagnosis and your 14 month old grandson sees more specialists than your 90 year old mother you shouldn't be comparing him to a regular kid.....

I tell 'those' types of mothers that each kid has a different set of needs and a different set of parents. Everyone finds what would work for them....
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zaq




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Oct 23 2014, 4:58 pm
AAARGH! That must have been awful! No matter how secure you are, how firmly you know that you are doing the best for your family, and how little respect you have for the intelligence of the person tearing you down, it still hurts to be told or insinuated that everything you do is not as good. I applaud your restraint in not popping her one right in the kisser, physically or verbally.

Endorse yourself. Aloud. Look in the mirror and say "I am intelligent, responsible, capable, and a good parent. I have my family's best interests at heart and do what is best for all of us. I will not be disturbed by the criticism of those whose values differ from mine."

Repeat as often as necessary to restore your soul.
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