Carpool - was I wrong?

Barbara

Wed, Oct 22 2014, 10:40 am

Emotional wrote:

I love how some people like to read every other sentence if what I write.
Did I not write that I don't drive? So for me it is a.much bigger deal.
Did I not write that I never expect the other person to owe it to me?
Did I not write that if the person driving my kid is inconvenuenced by driving my kid, she should let me know and I will have no hard feelings?
Did I not write that when someone does me this kind of favor on an ongoing basis, I offer to pay them?
Saying "if it's not a big deal, do it yourself" when I clearly can't, that's not nice.

No, I read it. I'm assuming that you're not blind, so you can get a drivers' license, but have chosen not to. Its no big deal for you to get one.

What? It is a big deal?

But other people going out of their way for you is no big deal.

In any case, you didn't write any of those things. What you did write was its "frustrating" when people "stand on principal" and refuse to do things for you, because its "no big deal" (in your opinion, clearly not theirs) to do them. You did say that she should have asked first -- although you made clear that had she said no, you would have found it "frustrating" since its "no big deal."

ima_dina084

Wed, Oct 22 2014, 10:42 am

Emotional wrote:

Yes it's *bigger* deal for you to take them because you don't have a license. But it is still a Big deal for the person you ask, for the reasons Barbara listed.
I do respect that you don't depend on others regularly and offer to pay if so, realize thar its because it is an inconvenience that shouldn't be asked unless needed, and shouldn't be expected like in OPs case. For many people it's a big deal.

morah

Wed, Oct 22 2014, 10:58 am

Barbara wrote:

No, I read it. I'm assuming that you're not blind, so you can get a drivers' license, but have chosen not to. Its no big deal for you to get one.

That is EXTREMELY hurtful and judgmental. I did not have a license until a little over a year ago. It was NOT for lack of trying, and no, I am not blind or otherwise impaired in any way that I know of. I DESPERATELY wanted a license and repeatedly failed my road test. I'm too embarrassed to admit under my screen name how many tries it took till I finally passed, not to mention THOUSANDS of dollars of lessons. I managed without having to rely on chesed because I live in Queens where everything is walkable and public transportation is a little inconvenient but still mostly doable. I can't imagine what I'd have done in the suburbs (I believe Emotional is in Lakewood, and I don't know how she does it- Lakewood is the boondocks). Listen, no one owes anyone anything, but please, let's not beat up the licence-less here. If you haven't been there, you have NO IDEA. I have no idea why it was so hard for to get a license. Since I've gotten one, it is clear that my driving is fine. I have not had a single moving violation or fender bender or any kind of incident, and I drive every day IN NYC for Gd's sake, so it wasn't a lack of ability here, despite the cruel taunts from family every time I came home from yet another failed road test. Don't you ever say getting a license is no big deal. For some of us, it is. Sorry for the slightly OT rant, this just touched a raw nerve.

MamaBear

Wed, Oct 22 2014, 10:58 am

I hate carpooling with kids I don't know well. I only do it as true chessed on occasion.

I can list many reasons why carpooling is more work than some might think. Fitting in extra seats, waiting (sometimes a long time) for the extra kid to come to the car, realizing sometimes the kids was out sick and the parent never thought to tell me so I waited for him, having the kid whine in my car and pick a fight

and the winning reason:

I have driven kids home from school who clearly should not have gone to school that morning because they are coughing and sneezing in my contained car and contaminating us all. ick

Also, medical reasons aside, in the year 2014, every adult should know how to drive. Especially if you have a child to care for. (those that live in public transport laden urban areas are exempt)

mommy3b2c

Wed, Oct 22 2014, 11:12 am

She was very wrong for demanding this of you.

If if it is really no big deal for you most days, tell her you don't mind doing it but if sometimes you can't, you will let her know in advance. I do this all the time.

To amothers who said that she had to get car seats for her neighbors kids because they said not to worry about it. You should not have given in. You tell her- this is my policy, either get them car seats or I won't take them. I do that all the time with my sil. She says no big deal and I say, then I'm not taking them.

I love to do favors, but I don't let myself be a pushover. Otherwise I become resentful.

mizle10

Wed, Oct 22 2014, 11:14 am

Emotional wrote:

But it's your kid. So even if it's 15,000 times of a bigger deal for you, it's still your problem to deal with and not mine.

Emotional

Wed, Oct 22 2014, 11:15 am

Barbara wrote:

Barbara, this kind of biting sarcasm and nastiness is so out of charachter for you that I'm going to assume someone else is at your computer stealing your username. Or maybe you're hormonal. Or maybe it's the rain. I don't know. But please don.t shout at me.
If you would know me then you would know that I, in principle, would rather twist my day into a pretzel than ask for favors. And I'm a chronically ill person too.
I apologize if I wasn't totally clear in my first post. When I said it's no big deal, I didn't necessarily mean on an everyday basis. Which is kind of silly since that's what the OP was talking about. Silly me.
I keep thinking back to the day of the transportation drill here in Lakewood back in June. A friend who was going to walk with me ended up driving. Didn't let me know. And she offered some rides to other kids. But not to mine. I still cry when I think of that.
Please don't size me up and size up my life. My parents didn't let me learn to drive when I was living at home. Then I was unable to afford it after that. I am taking lessons now and have a road test scheduled. But that's not the point. Please don't tell a person what they obviously already know. Assume they would do something about it if they could. If you don't want to help someone, don't. But don't be nasty.

Last edited by Emotional on Wed, Oct 22 2014, 11:26 am; edited 1 time in total

Barbara

Wed, Oct 22 2014, 11:47 am

morah wrote:

My second line clearly recognized that it is a big deal for some people to get a license.

That's the problem. People don't seem to recognize that doing things for them may well be a big deal.

We had a full time sitter until DS was about 12. Maybe older. So we regularly heard "its no big deal ..." Its no big deal for your sitter to watch our kids on a vacation day. Or to pick our kids up after camp, or after an activity. Well, sometimes, a lot of the time, it IS a big deal.

We used to go to every basketball game. So far too many people figured it was "no big deal" for us to chauffeur their kids. I remember vividly one day when someone said, "oh, you'll take Yossi home after the game, he lives near you, its no big deal." My kid dislikes Yossi. I dislike Yossi. And I had a full car. "Can't you squeeze him in? Its not far." No. Or where my kid asked to stop at the good pizza place on the way home, but we couldn't because it was "no big deal" to take other kids home.

I don't mind helping out if I can. Just don't express your "frustration" that I'm not always able to bend over backwards to do things for you that you think aren't a "big deal."

morah

Wed, Oct 22 2014, 11:56 am

Barbara wrote:

Sorry, I went nuts when I saw the first line because I heard it in all seriousness too many times. You are right about the "big deal" thing. Your nothing is my big deal. Once the person has said sorry, I can't, the correct answer is thanks, I will find an alternative. I had a person give me the no big deal line because te person they were asking me to host was "just for sleeping". For various reasons, "just for eating" would have been doable but "just for sleeping" was not. You're right, no can ever presume to tell someone what is isn't a big deal.

amother

Wed, Oct 22 2014, 12:05 pm

New imamother here....
People who say "it's no big deal" should never assume anything about anyone. At a certain point growing up, my parents decided to not buy another minivan when theirs died. They didn't want to get stuck driving carpool all thetime. It became expected because there were extra seats so "what's the issue, you are driving near there anyways?" Except that they made us late all the time. I hated carpool as we were late EVERY day.
Just don't expect things frm people and then you won't be disappointed. Ask, always ask (rather than force) but don't expect.

marina

Wed, Oct 22 2014, 12:56 pm

Ok, this is once a week? ONCE A WEEK? And not for the whole year, just for the length of the afterschool program? Like ten weeks maybe?

What is all the drama about? Really?

Of course she could have asked nicer and she's insensitive for assuming that you are her chauffer.

But be nice and help her out. You never know when you'll be needing her help.

I always, always, always try and help people with carpool, whenever I can. And I do expect that what goes around comes around and that people will be nice to me when they can.

musicmom

Wed, Oct 22 2014, 12:59 pm

Not everyone needs to drive to live a fulfilled life.

Theoretically carpooling in general, and with this particular person, are two very separate issues. It sounds like this person was not grateful, did not offer any type of payment or exchange of services, in fact she assumed there would be a carpool without even asking! That is what would irk me, and I would not involve myself in this situation. Maybe she should ask next time. If you give an inch, she will take a mile...

chani8

Wed, Oct 22 2014, 1:06 pm

I'm with Marina on this one. Only, I'd be afraid I'd forget and leave the child stranded. That responsibility is what I'd want to avoid. It would be an added stress. So it's not exactly 'no big deal'. But, it's a chance for easy chessed.

I think, OP, that the key here is what you mentioned about feeling put out by this friend already. Sounds like she crosses boundaries and by saying no, you're really just trying to put some boundaries in place. If you need to do that, by all means, do it.

Barbara

Wed, Oct 22 2014, 1:14 pm

marina wrote:

In our school, after school runs by semester. So I'd say until the end of January, at least.

And sure, if it really is no big deal for you, you do it.

But then what happens when, one week, you schedule another kid's doctor's appointment that day. Now you have to find a ride not only for your kid, but for the other kid as well. Or, what if your kid is sick?

People should never assume that certain things aren't a "big deal." Sometimes they are.