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Forum -> Household Management -> Finances
If you go to parents/inlaws 4 RH/YK who pays 4 your seats?



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amother


 

Post Fri, Sep 19 2014, 12:05 pm
If you go to your parents or inlaws for Rosh Hashana / Yom Kippur and they daven in a shul where seats must be purchased then you pays for your seats?
Do they pay because you are their guests or do you pay with your own money?

We are going to inlaws for RH and YK (and part of Sukkot). My inlaws offered to pay the $200 for our seats but we did not let them. DH and I feel that they are already paying to feed us all those meals and how can we ask them to pay for seats as well?

Just wondering how it works in other families?
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pesek zman




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Sep 19 2014, 12:10 pm
I think it very much depends on the financial circumstances and/or generosity of the host.
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cs1




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Sep 19 2014, 12:25 pm
No, I dont think parents shpuld pay for your seat. This is the idea time I ever heard about it.
Its hard enough to cook and host for kids. Now they have to pay for their seat in shul???

But again, this will be a debate between parents that support their kids and parents that dont.

I believe in the latter.
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tichellady




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Sep 19 2014, 12:43 pm
All these posts asking what people do are starting to make me crazy because there isn't one right way. There are different approaches for each family. That said, in my family my parents would gladly pay. They give a lot of money to the shul and would give that money anyway so they might us well buy us seats. If my parents host friends for Rosh Hashana they pay for their seats as well. My parents are obviously in a good financial situation (as well as generous people). That said, when my husband and I went to friends for Rosh Hashana one year we didn't expect them to pay for our seats. We were planning on paying but they ended up offering because they had bought an extra seat for relatives that ended up not coming.
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forever21




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Sep 19 2014, 12:47 pm
I think it also depends on your own financial situation. To many couples a few hundred dollars is more then they can afford and in that case parents/in laws will pay for their seats. (and not just if the husband is in kollel)
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pesek zman




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Sep 19 2014, 12:55 pm
cs1 wrote:
No, I dont think parents shpuld pay for your seat. This is the idea time I ever heard about it.
Its hard enough to cook and host for kids. Now they have to pay for their seat in shul???

But again, this will be a debate between parents that support their kids and parents that dont.

I believe in the latter.


I disagree and think it varies from family to family. Hard to cook and host children? My parents would LOVE it if we were to go to them for YT (we stay home let my husbands preference and sort of mine too) and would absolutely pay for our seats (even though they don't support us. We BH have good jobs and support ourselves and pay for our own seats at home) Then again, I don't come from a huge family and BH money isn't tight. Which again is my point that what is normal in this regard depends on many different variables
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seeker




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Sep 19 2014, 1:06 pm
Another vote for depends on dynamics. If you're a kollel couple who would usually daven at some yeshiva for free and don't have spare $200 around for these things, but the parents want you to visit to spend time with you and want to drag you to their expensive shul to show off their nachas, then it would be nice for you to offer to pay but entirely appropriate for them to offer and you to accept.

But yeah generally unless there is an extreme financial need and no free shul option in the area, I side with the DH on this - they are doing a ton for you and it would be proper to take care of at least this on your own.
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forever21




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Sep 19 2014, 1:24 pm
Superdanni, did it ever occur to you that there are couples where the husband is NOT in kollel and instead have two working parents and they still cant make ends meet??
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seeker




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Sep 19 2014, 1:32 pm
I know this very well, I am not a kollel couple and still have difficulty making ends meet. I was just giving one example of when it might be appropriate. Also, a kollel would usually offer free seats to its members so the couple would have an added expense visiting the parents, whereas many non-kollel people who can't make ends meet this would have anyway been one of their expenses that they have trouble covering - so it would be nice if the parents offer but not necessarily their responsibility.
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SRS




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Sep 19 2014, 1:45 pm
I probably would want to pay for our seats because it kind of goes with the whole theme of the season: teshuva, tefillah, and tzedakah if we were invited to a different shul with family. But really a seat is really a donation to a shul and I imagine many people have a pocket for what they plan to give in support to their shul for the year and if they plan, say, $1000 after dues than what's the difference if they invite the kids for yontif and pick up their tickets?

There is really no one way and as much as I think it is unhealthy for parents to be constantly picking up the basics like rent and food, this is simply tzedakah money and if they want to make an extra donation to the shul and provide a seat to their children, why not? And if they don't, there certainly would be nothing wrong with asking this kids if they would like to join them for RH/YK and give them info on how much shul seats are running so they can make a decision.
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pesek zman




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Sep 19 2014, 1:45 pm
forever21 wrote:
Superdanni, did it ever occur to you that there are couples where the husband is NOT in kollel and instead have two working parents and they still cant make ends meet??


What about what I said would make you think that I'm not aware if this?
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forever21




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Sep 19 2014, 2:04 pm
Sorry superdanni. I mixed you up with other posts.
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MamaBear




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Sep 19 2014, 2:23 pm
Life's expensive, if someone's inlaws can pay for them to go to shul on RH/YK, I say let it be. It's a more important expense than a bugaboo. Wink
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imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Sep 19 2014, 2:50 pm
It really does depend on family dynamic, because it could be argued both ways.

Either, as OP said, that IL's are paying for meals etc. already, and therefore the right thing is for the kids to pay for their own seats; or

That the parents are the hosts, and, having invited the kids for the visit, they are responsible for expenses connected with the reason for the visit.

Our family holds by the latter. My IL's paid for our seats when we visited them, and we would pay for our kids' seats.

OTOH, if they were to decide to buy fancy jewelry while they were visiting, I probably wouldn't offer to pay for it, as that is not what I was inviting them here to do.

OP, I think the guiding principle here is how to best show kavod to your IL's. If insisting on paying for your own seats ultimately makes them feel bad, I wouldn't do it. If it would make them feel valued and proud of your derech eretz and independence, I would.
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catonmylap




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Sep 20 2014, 11:26 am
We are going just for Rosh Hashana to my in laws. They are paying for a seat for me (I think). Dh told them he didn't need a seat because he's going to an early minyan. The kids are too little to need seats. I told them straight I don't know if I will end up in shul bec of the kids..

we would have bought them seats if they had come here... I don't know if dh will offer to pay for the seat. Right now we are tight financially and they are in better shape than us... in any case, I don't think it is a big deal either way between us...

And this is the first time we are together for Rosh Hashana and we are married 13 years !! So, that's kind of amazing!
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Ruchel




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Sep 20 2014, 12:30 pm
There are self supporting kollel couples around me. Some wives have a good job, some rely on government grants and live very very frugally and go to schools favoring kollel kids (with horribles prices for working kids, that's another topic :/).
That said something can be both hard and great. Hosting one's children and grandchildren definitely is both.
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