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Awkward situation at work



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amother


 

Post Thu, Aug 21 2014, 9:26 pm
I'm a student nurse and in the hospital where I'm currently working there is a guy who is a student alongside me on one of the days. He's not at my university, but both mine and his universities send their students to the same hospital. Anyway, he is very chatty and when it's time to leave, twice now, this week and last, he has come up to me and hugged me very tightly so much that my feet were lifted up of the ground. It was very uncomfortable for me. I don't understand on what basis does he think he can just hug me like that? I don't think he likes me. I think he is just over - friendly, as he has a very friendly/bubbly personality with everybody. Anyway, when he hugged me the second time, I tried to push him away from me and walk away, and then he said "why are you pushing me away?" in a very jokey, light-hearted way? Again, I don't think that he "likes" me, I think he is one of those very touchy feely, friendly guys - you know what young people are like they all hug their friends? Like that. Anyway, I was just really uncomfortable, first of all, I'm in my uniform, he is in his, it was disgusting to hug someone in a nurse's uniform and I don't want to get sick. That is in addition to the fact that it's just not appropriate (in my opinion) for him to hug me. He doesn't even know me. I don't know what to do.
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amother


 

Post Thu, Aug 21 2014, 9:33 pm
When I was a youngster of but 18 I was in sem in NY & worked in an office. There was a guy who'd come down the hall with his arms out like he wanted to hug me. I held my hands out palm forward in a NO gesture & said, NO, sorry.

You should do the same. As he is coming near you say, hold your hand palm straight up and say "Kindly respect my personal space. I do not hug unrelated people and I'd appreciate your consideration."
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amother


 

Post Thu, Aug 21 2014, 9:34 pm
amother wrote:
When I was a youngster of but 18 I was in sem in NY & worked in an office. There was a guy who'd come down the hall with his arms out like he wanted to hug me. I held my hands out palm forward in a NO gesture & said, NO, sorry.

You should do the same. As he is coming near you say, hold your hand palm straight up and say "Kindly respect my personal space. I do not hug unrelated people and I'd appreciate your consideration."


Op here: you're right, that's a good idea, I guess I'll just have to be direct and firm. There's no other way, no one's going to do it for me.
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sequoia




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Aug 21 2014, 9:37 pm
I'm a hugger, too. But it's not right for any man to invade a woman's personal space like that.

Still, you might tell him nicely. Obviously, if that doesn't work...
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sunlight




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Aug 21 2014, 9:49 pm
I would also suggest someone tell him that you are religious woman that doesn't interact with men other than husband in a friendly manner. I've done that.
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mdoif




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Aug 21 2014, 9:56 pm
No need to give excuses or reasons. Just say you don't want him to hug you and that's it.
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Dina_B613




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Aug 22 2014, 1:35 am
It'd be inappropriate even if you weren't religious. Say you don't like to hug colleagues and leave it at that.
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Dolly Welsh




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Aug 22 2014, 2:14 am
That was a lot more than a hug.

And even a hug wasn't appropriate. At all. A hug might just have been stupid - and unhygienic in a medical setting.

But this was different, you were physically overpowered. You became a thing, like a sack of potatoes. You don't describe being scared, but your acceptance of this grotesque indignity, and your concern at his verbal come-back seem to imply fear.

Religion doesn't even come into it yet.

Forgetting his aggression, and it's frightening, what happened to your sense of go-awayness? I think the terms are personal space and boundaries?

Tight full body frontal contact? That's for lovers.

This is crazy conduct, and it is time to not be alone with him, and it might be time to mumble something to a superior. His action is inappropriate.

You state repeatedly you aren't attracted or I would figure there is attraction here you aren't looking at, on both sides.

If you think he is just an idiot, tell him no. But you did. And he came back at you with sass. He may be uneducable.

He's aggressive and you are naïve; it is dangerous, in my opinion, very dangerous indeed. I wonder if you know what I am talking about.
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Dolly Welsh




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Aug 22 2014, 2:23 am
amother wrote:
When I was a youngster of but 18 I was in sem in NY & worked in an office. There was a guy who'd come down the hall with his arms out like he wanted to hug me. I held my hands out palm forward in a NO gesture & said, NO, sorry.

You should do the same. As he is coming near you say, hold your hand palm straight up and say "Kindly respect my personal space. I do not hug unrelated people and I'd appreciate your consideration."


The technical term is trying to "cop a feel" while posing as a Nice Person Who Is Just Friendly.

Disguuuusting. What a slick, predatory creep. You handled it well.

OP, you should do what she did, with the outward palms.

While physically backing away.

If he tries to shame you, what's wrong with you, do not listen to that or feel any embarrassment.

You wonder if someone that indifferent to one kind of rule can be trusted to follow any another kind. I wouldn't want him as my medical attendant.
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Frumdoc




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Aug 22 2014, 2:53 am
Just tell him you are not comfortable with hugging. Not everyone is, his behavior is inappropriate for someone who is not a close friend, he might as well learn it from you.
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marina




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Aug 22 2014, 1:44 pm
Is he generally socially awkward? Does he have a condition maybe?

This would be very strange behavior in the secular world, but tolerated, maybe from someone on the spectrum or something like that.
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debsey




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Aug 22 2014, 2:36 pm
marina wrote:
Is he generally socially awkward? Does he have a condition maybe?

This would be very strange behavior in the secular world, but tolerated, maybe from someone on the spectrum or something like that.


I agree. I've worked in hospitals, and I've worked in places where hugging is in the "culture," but even in those places, people generally ask (unless something major has happened, like when someone's relative has died or someone comes into the staff room with a new engagement ring)
I worked at a psychiatric retreat once and there was a therapist there who was a hugger. He said to everyone "I'm a hugger....if you don't like hugs, raise your hand." Lone li'l ol' me raised her hand. I felt like a dork. Then he said "I'm throwing you a psych hug" and he made a hugging gesture with his hands and blew (like blowing a kiss). What can I say? I've been psychically hugged.
I'd just say something like "Listen, Mike, you're a nice guy, and I'm sure you mean nothing by it, but I don't really like being hugged. Please respect my personal space."
I tell my kids that when someone touches you in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable, they are "popping" your "comfort bubble" (comes from a social skills curriculum where everyone blows soap bubbles to show how easily the "comfort bubble" is popped)
It's ok to have boundaries and to insist on them.
debsey
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ShanaMatele




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Aug 22 2014, 2:51 pm
debsey wrote:

I'd just say something like "Listen, Mike, you're a nice guy, and I'm sure you mean nothing by it, but I don't really like being hugged. Please respect my personal space."
debsey


This!
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