When My Abuser Said "I'm Sorry"

amother

Sun, Jul 27 2014, 3:49 pm

When my abuser said "I'm sorry," he didn't mean he was sorry. When you hurt someone, "I'm sorry" should be the words that mean, "I know I was wrong," "I'm going to get help," "It will never happen again."

When my abuser said I'm sorry he really meant, "I wonder if she'll need a doctor for the fork I shoved down her throat. That was a lot of blood she coughed up. I wonder if I'm going to get caught this time."

When my abuser said I'm sorry he meant, "Those welts from the wooden spoon hitting her legs won't be gone for days. I hope she won't show have the guts to show them to anyone. I hope she believes all the lies I've told her that no one will help her. That no one will care about her. That she'll go to a foster home where it's even worse and never see her brothers and sisters again."

When my abuser said I'm sorry he meant, "I really lost control. The screaming was so loud from when I threw her down the stairs, when I picked her up by her hair and then threw her down again so I could kick her as she tried to curl into a ball to avoid the blows, that even the neighbors who have ignored what goes on in this house for months, for years, might actually do something this time."

When my abuser said I'm sorry he meant, "Is anyone going to notice the blood from where I beat her over the head with a hairbrush/a shoe/a metal pipe, or will her hair cover it?"

My abuser didn't say he was sorry the last time he laid his hands on me. I was 18 and so filled with rage that the thought of it scares me still. It scares me that so much anger could be inside my body. I had my hands in my pockets. He hated it because it made me slouch. He grabbed my arm, dug his fingers into my arm, and told me to take my hands out and stand up straight. I didn't. He dug his nails in, drawing blood. I looked at him. I said, "If you ever touch me again, I will break every bone in your body." And I meant it. I didn't know how. He was still bigger than me. But I meant it, and he knew I meant it. He didn't say he was sorry. He never said he was sorry again.