Where should parents draw the line on Chutzpah?

I am looking for quotes by Rabbonim and child rearing experts on this issue, not opinions of posters.

When should parents look away, turn a deaf ear and a blind eye, ignore behavior or comments made by children (to show easygoingness) and when must they react? At what point are parents Mechuyav to stand up for what's right and not allow themselves to be trampled on?

I am asking in reference to the young teen age group.

Again, I am looking for quotes by Rabbonim and child rearing experts on this issue, not opinions of posters.

[quote="Tefila"]

Platinum Member Joined: Jan 01 2006 Posts: 48155

Maybe you're better off asking for book recommendations.

Diamond Member Joined: Oct 29 2006 Posts: 4461

There are child rearing experts but who they are is highly debatable,There are rabbonim who are expert in the Torah sources and there are rabbonim who have decided to trust psychologists over Torah sources.

I will tell you where I am coming from and you decide if what I have learned from rabbonim and frum educators is applicable.

In addition to being a social worker who worked for the child welfare in the states and in rehabilitation of troubled teens here in Israel. I have taught in the classroom nearly totally from HS and up. I have recieved direct guidance and attended courses from some the rabbonim on the cutting edge of working only from a Torah perspective. I also have seven children aged 24 to 12.

Some rules:

1. All laws of ben adam l'chavero apply to one's children. This means no halbanat panim,lying. Meaning not to punish in front of others or llie to the child or anything else you should not do to another Jew.

2. If you have a doubt to be stricter or more lenient go for the stricter call. It is easier to allow what is once forbidden than to forbid what was once allowed. If a child is raised too strictly the results are visible and are easier to correct. If a child is raised too leniently the prob may not appear until much later. Then the root will not be so apparent and the correction more difficult.

3, Children need parents to set age appropriate limits and need the parent to consistantly enforce them. The limits get looser with age not stricter. Start from the earliest ages to expect good behaviour and good habits.

Specifically about chutzpah:

1. Never reward it or allow to obtain any payoff for their chutzpah, ever.
2. Do not stand on your own kavod. No one has kavod for a person who say you have to mekabed me.
3. Know your child well. Don't ask more than he can handle and don't refuse to allow him to be responsible when he can handle it. Most teenage rebellion is caused by mistakes in separation and allocation of responsibility.
4. Don't negotiate over rules. Exceptions are just that. They should be few and far between. Don't teach your child to obey by sachar and onesh. Oy to the parent who treats his child like a business transaction. This includes any type of payment incl. praise.
5. Try not to close doors of communication.
6. Go for win-win and not to steamroller. If you must punish try to lessen and not take away totally. Leave the child with something.
7. Anger is assur for us as well as our children. Even if your child is screaming or being chutzpadik try to hold your end of the conversation with kavod and quietly. "The words of the wise are heard when spoken pleasantly".
8. Build up credit of love, trust and emune between you and your child so you have what to fall back on. The child should already have experience of your concern and love when you need to make a tough call.
9. Any consideration other than the welfare of this child is possul.