New to community, ettiquete - what would you do?

We moved to a new community last week & unfortunately, had some unexpected major financial difficulties, in addtion to the moving expenses and B"H, a new baby! We were invited to the community Purim Dinner & were secretly relieved to see that it was sold out (as it cost $100). At the last minute, we were called to say that they had made space for us & "don't even think about saying you can't come - the whole community is looking forward to meeting you". So, even though we could ill afford it, we went ( & had a great time!!). Now, the Rabbi's eldest daughter is getting married in less than 2 weeks. The Rebbetzin called me Monday & said that she was so happy that we were coming to the wedding, which was news to me! When I expressed my surprise, she said her husband had told her of a new family in town & they wanted us to come as part of the community. He told her he invited us via my husband (news to him also, but maybe he was asked late in the evening on Purim?!?!?!) and that my husband accepted, so they already had us down for coming. We really could use some advice here, as we are essentially broke at this point. We cannot afford the deposit for the Gas company, so right now we are using space heaters & have no hot water. We don't have a refrigerator & are using coolers for food storage. (not trying to complain - just so our situation is clear). We don't know how we can afford to go to this wedding! We don't know how to get out of it & even if we could, we would need to give a wedding gift anyway. Obviously, we would prefer not to have everyone here know that we are in such financial trouble. And to top it off, the Rabbi here is cousins with our Rav from where we just moved from and we don't want to have our embarrassing circumstances reach our old community.
So, my questions are:
1. Do we have to go to the wedding?
If so, what is the least amount we could give to not be insulting?
2. How could we get out of going?
If we don't go, what is the minimum gift we could give?
Sorry to ask these questions, as we would love to give a nice gift to the new Kallah & Chossen, but we don't know what else to do. Thanks in advance for your responses.

Posted: Wed, Mar 07 2007, 1:15 pm Post subject:

#1 - If you don't go for sure don't need to bring gift
#2 - I being in situations similar actually have not brought presents when I felt I should go to simcha out of respect - figured they would understand - but then they knew
How about only going to chupah? then for sure u don't have to bring
If you still feel you have to bring - either put $5 in env or .... buy s/t on clearance at marshalls for $5 - I have bought beautiful table clothes for that amount and wrapped pretty for presentation ...
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Posted: Wed, Mar 07 2007, 1:20 pm Post subject:

the rov is there for you too. let him know a bit of your financial difficulties-he may be able to help you out in some way. even if it is just a gemach loan, or maybe maos chittim for pesach. there is no embarrasement in having financial difficulty.
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I just loooked at the calendar and my mothers best friend is getting married the same day, ands were sitting at the tabl with parents of the kallah I cant not go (ask a rav for heter for lying, I dot it all the time Smile

) I'm so so sorry I wish I could come but I think it would cause too much trouble bla bla bla

Diamond Member Joined: Dec 04 2006 Posts: 2694

I'm so sorry about your situation. {{{HUGS}}}

I agree with Shanie. There is no reason that you should have to struggle through this on your own. Mi K'amcho Yisrael? You will porbably be surprised at the resources available in a frum community to help you get through this.

As far as the gift, I think Green's idea was great!

Hope your situation improves drastically very quickly. May you be blessed with good health, wealth and happiness and hatzlocha in your new surroundings.

Go to a cheap store like walmart, TJ max etc. and keep your eye open for something you can get them for their house. Like an above poster mentioned- maybe a table cloth.... or even a pretty bowl.

and then- it's all in how it's wrapped!
pretty paper, ribbons, and a nice note.

As long as you give something- don't worry and go for the whole wedding if you wish to. They didn't invite you in order that you should give a gift, but rather to include you within your new community.

You're going through a rough spot but hopefully just temporarily.

I wish I agreed with you guys about the $5 gift and the ribbons but ive been there myself and it adds up: the gift and ribbons and the traveling to and fro the store and traveling to and fro the wedding and getting dressed for the wedding and the babysitter. but I do agree that theres no reason for you to be in such straits without help, there are so many organizations that have a ton to give and want to.

Platinum Member Joined: Jan 01 2006 Posts: 48139

you def. should ask for help, if no one has figured out that you need it.

Moderator Joined: Dec 26 2005 Age: 33 Posts: 11430

mirisimma, I agree.
I'm sure the Rabbi would be horrified if he knew you were stressing yourself over the wedding when you don't even have money for a fridge.
Your first priority is your family and spending money on someone else's wedding (especially someone that you don't even know) is not a priority.

Platinum Member Joined: Jul 28 2006 Posts: 7181

I definitely think you should go to the wedding. Firstly, they're opening their arms to you to welcome you to the community. Down the road, when finances are better, you'll be glad you were included etc, and won't have any complaints about "no-one ever asks us", because if you DON"T go, people stop asking.

Give an inexpensive gift, or no gift at all. I must say, we've been to weddings where we don't give a gift, because we can't afford it.

As for asking for a g'mach or something, FOR SURE do it.

Count me in as agreeing too. You have to swallow your pride and explain to the Rov what your financial matzav is right now.

They want YOU-they could care less about the gift.
( Does anyone really remember who gave what or how much for their wedding, years later?)

You can just go to be part of the simcha and give a gift a few months down the road, when iy'h things will be easier. I think it's pretty ok etiquette to give a wedding gift anywhere within the first year of marriage. I;'ve received wedding gifts months after my wedding.
So sorry for your hardships...but dont let it get you down...Good Luck Exclamation

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I live in flatbush and have a whole bunch of wedding gifts that I've recieved that I have absolutely no use for -nothing wrong with any of it - just stuff I wouldnt use/ not my taste/ doubles and triples of stuff I got already - if u want you're welcome to go "shopping in my store" u can take whatever u want.
seriously I'm moving soon and the less I have to pack the better.

let me know if you live in my area and are interested and I'll give u my info.

BTW- there is a gemach that collects 'un-needed' wedding gifts and recycles them for needy kallahs. It was started by the family of Miriam Adam's a'h who was nifter during her seminary year, ten years ago. I think her family is from Far Rockaway... you can PM me for me to try and find the info on the gemach if you're seriously going to use it.

(very busy on my end, but if it would be helpful to you- PM me and I"ll do some researching for info)

Maybe one of you can go to the chuppah while the other cares for the baby at home and the other can go later to simchas chosson v'kallah. I know that many young couples who are just starting out do not give chassunah gifts. Young people generally add a lot to the leibidikkeit and dance more than the older guests (who are giving all the gifts). If you are not coming for the meal and only for the chuppah and dancing, it costs the parents nothing to host you. It is their way of saying welcome to the community, especially because you do not know them or the chossen and kallah. If you should decide to give a small gift, bring it to the home rather than the wedding hall.

Last edited by mirisimma on Sat, Mar 17 2007, 10:26 pm; edited 1 time in total

edited out

OP here. Let me start off by saying how incredibly touched I am by the responses! What a wonderful website, to be able to connect with such thoughtful & giving women. It has been a very tough time & to have the support & good wishes makes it easier for sure - I always knew others have been in similar circumstances, but to hear it makes me feel not so alone! After reading all of the posts, we have decided to go. B"H, I have older children who can stay home with the little ones - so no babysitting cost. I will buy a small gift ( I do have ribbons & such left over) as recommended & bring it to the house. I definitely want to start out here in the right way & I agree that they do seem to really want us at the wedding. Thank you to all for the terrific suggestions, info on gemachs & the super generous offer by another Amother to 'shop' in her store, LOL! If I lived in the area, I would definitely take you up on that. After the wedding I will consider speaking to the Rav about help for Pesach if things do not improve. ( mirisimma - Gas deposit here is $208! You are lucky to be "living off love" -if I did not have that, I would consider myself very poor indeed ) Again, many thanks to all for your help & support!