How do you tell ladies not to bring babies to simcha?

Bruria

Wed, Apr 23 2014, 3:02 am

I suppose it is your choice. Personally, I think it's complicated to tell people not to bring babies or toddlers, it's not like it's a shiur and people have to be quiet. I would feel uncomfortable not inviting children or babies to an event, especially since not always one can find a babysitter or even afford one.
Plus, babies are soooo cute!!! Smile

Raisin

Wed, Apr 23 2014, 6:26 am

I always ask if it is ok to bring a nursing baby. When I did bring my baby it was to simchas that were not in my city so finding a babysitter would have been almost impossible. If it is a simcha near my home I pump milk and hire a sitter. Or I don't go. These are mostly not frum simchos and I would assume that my baby is more welcome at a frum simcha. I actually dislike bringing my babies to simchas because of the loud music.

Ruchel

Wed, Apr 23 2014, 6:51 am

Let that thread be pinned in the nursing section, for people who don't get why some women refuse to nurse. As well as in the bc section, for people who don't believe even in the frum world large families are a stigma in some circles.

After I would pay a sitter, the oil, the parking, and the gift, I would just stay home. I still have to hire a night sitter. Their prices don't sit right with me... nor does a no baby policy.

amother

Wed, Apr 23 2014, 7:20 am

Liba wrote:

If you don't want them there, or at the least don't care if they are there or not, why are you inviting them? They aren't relatives. You don't want them to show up. What do you want?

I am inviting some because they are friends. Others I am inviting because I am obligated because they are the wife of someone my husband is inviting. Two have pushed their way in.

The ladies side is small and I don't want it overrun with strollers and babies. This is only one day. They are more than welcome to show up but given the choice of I would rather enjoy myself one day.

Liba

Wed, Apr 23 2014, 7:28 am

If the issue is space and strollers, write "no strollers" and post a sign on the door. That is pretty simple and uncontroversial. If you don't want the ladies there, pushed in or not, don't invite them. Men can be invited to a bar mitzvah without their wife. I have a friend whose invitations said "men only" on them and only women who were called knew they were really invited and expected to come. If they can't respect the fact that they aren't invited and are pushing their way in, how ever could you make them respect a no baby rule?

SplitPea

Wed, Apr 23 2014, 7:28 am

I say making calls is your best bet. If someone "gets it" from the invite and leaves their 2 month old with a sitter for the first time and they see someone who didn't chap you were not wanting lap infants with a baby there you are bound to really upset a few people.

IF you are worries about strollers you can always write "lap infants only no strollers/car seats or toddlers please" THAT honestly is one of the best ways to put it... But you want no babies at all.... Make calls

grace413

Wed, Apr 23 2014, 7:31 am

The people making the simcha are entitled to invite exactly who they want to come. It is their right to have their simcha as they want it to be. Invitees are entitled to decide whether it's worth their while to attend.

OP said she is fine with people not coming if they can't/won't come without their infant.

Motherhood and babies are great, and missing a few smachot are the least of the sacrifices involved. I've been invited recently to some smachot that I have declined to attend because I'm not that close with the baalei simcha and it's not worth my time, money, transportation and effort to go - and I don't even have to pay a baby-sitter anymore.

Raisin

Wed, Apr 23 2014, 7:36 am

Ruchel wrote:

umm, you can nurse and give bottles of formula or pumped milk. the two are not mutually exclusive.

Once you have older kids you need a sitter anyway. I am a big nursing fan and once my baby is over about 4 months and on some sort of sleeping schedule I would much rather go without the baby.

But to the OP, if the status quo is to bring babies it is going to be hard to tell them not to without sounding like a baby hating curmudgeon. You may lose some friends over this. If that doesn't bother you find a way of telling them. It may be better to put it in the invitation rather then calling them up and thus making it personal. Maybe something like this: We look forward to you joining us at our simcha. However, since space is limited we ask that people refrain from bringing babies or young children. We understand that this may be difficult but appreciate your understanding.

amother

Wed, Apr 23 2014, 7:45 am

Liba wrote:

I don't expect any kind of respect from these ladies unfortunately especially the 2 that are pushing their way in. The ladies claim their baby is their "pocketbook." They will not follow a no stroller rule either I am afraid. DH says I must invite couples as it is etiquette.

I hate being constantly walked over and I dread the Bar Mitzvah. I am not made to deal with pushy people.

Liba

Wed, Apr 23 2014, 7:51 am

I am sorry to hear it! That is a lousy situation to be in. Do you have any good friends who will be there and support you among these stressful people?

I think you should do as Raisin said and write what she wrote on the invitation. That way everyone knows it was an across the board rule. Those who brake the rule can get the stink eye from the ones who made an effort to keep it, and the ones who leave their baby home won't think it is you singling them out. You don't have to be pushy since it isn't in your personality. Making calls like that to pushy inconsiderate people requires a strong stance and firm sounding composure or they will never believe you really mean it or mean them.

I still think that finding a way not to invite these people, who you clearly would be happier without, would be a better solution though.

amother

Wed, Apr 23 2014, 8:15 am

Liba wrote:

I agree with you about what Raisin wrote. I don't hate babies. I adore them. I am stretching myself to make a nice simcha. I don't want to sacrifice myself and my guests who want a nice evening to turn an expensive event into a nursery. These moms bring strollers into the ladies section in shul because they don't feel the no stroller rules applies to them. They say they want to keep an eye on their baby. There is a big sign posted at shul yet the ladies end up getting crunched together. I don't want this happening here.

Raisin

Wed, Apr 23 2014, 8:33 am

Do other peoples babies really bother people? they don't bother me at all. Unless they are mine and I have to look after them... There are normally a few babies at event the fanciest simcha I have been to - children or grandchildren of the baal simcha, or of their close friends. While you may be very bothered by the babies I really doubt everyone elses evening will be ruined. Also ime teenage boys tend to much more rowdy and annoying then nursing infants. I also think you are exaggerating a little that "people walk all over you". But like I said, if you don't mind coming over as curmudgeonly, write what I said. me, I'd rather have 100 babies at my simcha then write such a note but its a free country.

I also think it would be horribly rude to not invite the wives. I think if you write a note most people will try and avoid bringing their babies. Women for whom it is a real hardship and/or are socially clueless may still do so but at least that will be less babies.

Ema of 5

Wed, Apr 23 2014, 8:52 am

Raisin wrote:

I have two who never took a bottle. One stopped nursing very early but the other nursed until 14 months and never ever ever took a bottle. I was in the emergency room twice before he was a year and the second time was very hard because they told me I couldn't nurse for 48 hours because of a test they did. Until he was about 9m (sleeping through the night) I didn't/couldn't go anywhere without him because if he would wake up he would need to be nursed.
I understand the no strollers thing, and I'm trying to understand the no babies thing. No toddlers I get, and I'm more than happy to leave mine at home. In my circles, I've never heard of no babies except at a shiur or something. I've taken nursing babies with me to a dinner and I wasn't the only one.

Lady Godiva

Wed, Apr 23 2014, 8:55 am

I've been told--in person, by a relative--that she's requesting that guests not bring children under a certain age to a bar mitzvah. All my kids were over that age, so it didn't pertain to me (though I found it a bit odd since she knew there were a bunch of infants whose parents were traveling well over an hour for the affair). Some family members with younger children were a bit offended. But most of them listened.

If you want guests to come without children/infants you must make it clear to them. But I'm not sure how you can do it and still come across as classy.
I think it's horribly tacky to write it on the invitation. I cringe thinking what some friends of mine would think if they saw that--even though they are not even the type of women who bring young children to parties.

Your best bet is probably to call up the women directly and make your request clear to them. After that, there's nothing you can do.

Last edited by Lady Godiva on Wed, Apr 23 2014, 8:56 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

Wed, Apr 23 2014, 8:56 am

Raisin wrote:

I wouldn't say everyone's evening will be ruined. My extended family and close friends will not be comfortable. Once again it looks like I will end up sacrificing my and their comfort for overcrowded conditions. People do walk all over me because I won't push back. I am accustomed different standards of behavior.

There is really no way to tell ladies not to bring their babies. Babies of the baal simcha belong. Babies of close friends would also be OK because it would be limited. This is a small ladies section.

Lady Godiva

Wed, Apr 23 2014, 8:58 am

amother wrote:

So tell them what you wrote here! You write that people walk all over you, yet you refuse to make a request that would make you happier at your party. I don't understand what you want to hear. Stand up for what you want or you will just be bitter and resentful if you don't.