How to discipline a toddler

Posted: Tue, Aug 21 2012, 2:45 am Post subject: How to discipline a toddler

When my toddler doesn't listen to me or misbehaves, I find myself potching her bec I don't know what else to do. It's kind of like a default setting, but I hate the idea. Any more effective discipline methods?

Posted: Tue, Aug 21 2012, 3:15 am Post subject: re: How to discipline a toddler

Do you really find poching effective? I don't think it has any effect at this age, it just hurts their feelings IMO.
I'd also love to hear of some more discipline methods.

Gold Member Joined: Aug 24 2010 Posts: 1542

My son is 16 months, so he's a very young toddler, I think. But we tried potching - it definitely worked, but I felt like it was taking out frustration or anger on the baby, and so we (basically) stopped except for danger - and things that he just won't listen about.

But I have found that just talking works. Yesterday, I walked into a room and he had opened a drawer and was taking out some electronics. And I gasped, and said "____ What did you do? You know you're not allowed to open the drawer!" He started crying and coming to me. And so I said. "Quickly, quickly put everything back in the drawer." He did. And then I said, "Now close it." Which he also did. And then I bent down and told him he's a good boy for listening to Mommy and that she loves him so much.

We actually went through this exact routine 3 times yesterday, but I know that he understands me, and that he knows he did something wrong. Even though he can't talk yet, I'm realizing that he really does 'get' what's going on.

Posted: Tue, Aug 21 2012, 4:30 am Post subject: re: How to discipline a toddler

Talking works sometimes, most times DS will just laugh and continue or run away giggling. hes 18 months btw.

Gold Member Joined: Aug 24 2010 Posts: 1542

And then he gets a potch, and a "Mommy said that..." so that he learns that if he doesn't listen to you when you TELL him something, it's going to HURT. Not a tiny tap - he won't 'get' that (at least I don't think so).

Also, my son has some weird thing about him that he won't lie on his back on the floor (he doesn't mind in his crib) so when he used to bite me - and rip my tights - every day, I would tell him, "No biting!" and then put him on his back on the floor and walk away and very obviously ignore him. After a few minutes of him crying I'd go back to him and say, "____ is not going to bite, right?" and pick him up and let him play. It took a while - maybe a week? but he stopped biting.

Gold Member Joined: Sep 12 2011 Posts: 2107

Your post could have been written by a toddler:

"When I am [fill in the blank: frustrated, confused, hungry, tired, excited, in pain, overstimulated, understimulated, etc.] I find myself [fill in the blank: hitting, shouting, running wild, crying, crying loudly, having a meltdown, or otherwise "misbehaving"...] because I don't know what else to do. It's kind of like a default setting, but I hate the idea. Any more effective behavior methods?"

I'd embroider this on a couch pillow as a reminder that I can relate to how my toddler feels. She is not *bad*, there are still so many skills she needs to develop. This is what parents are for, and parenting is a long-term project.

Toddlerhood is different from babyhood in that your toddler is developing a sense of herself as an independent person and will no longer mindlessly comply while you carry her through her day. Independence is good, it is one of the long-term goals of parenting--as opposed to compliance, which is definitely undesirable in an adult--and it should be encouraged and cultivated by considering and respecting her desires, interests, opinions and choices when making decisions. By being more flexible, not less, even when it is inconvenient. By putting yourself in her shoes and treating her the way you would hope to be treated.

When it comes to misbehavior, we need to examine whether or not our expectations are reasonable and age appropriate for a very little person with a budding sense of independence, but without the skills to match. The skills that our children need to "behave"--motor, language, communication, executive functions, etc.--develop over time. We need to teach them, kindly and repeatedly, and be patient while our children learn them. It�s also crucial to remember that different skills develop at different rates. For example, a toddler may be fully capable of understanding the words and concept of �Don�t touch the computer� but not yet capable of controlling her urge to do so. Or capable of controlling the urge for half a minute but not longer than that, b/c that requires a sustained effort in a number of skills (attention, impulse control, etc.) Very often they really are doing the best they can but instead of recognition they get punished for that: I know she understands me and is capable of controlling herself�she does for about a minute�but then she just ignores me and touches that darn computer. She�s must be doing it intentionally to test me. This is rarely the case. It is very important to set our children up for success. Don�t give them access to things we don�t want them to touch. Keep them well fed and well rested, etc. to the extent that we can, and be aware of their limits and be flexible.

The most important investment you can make in your children by far is in building your relationship with them. Potching, getting angry, or any form of intentionally hurting your child or his feelings--especially of a emotionally undeveloped toddler--is perceived as personal and vindictive and will undermine this.

Of course children need boundaries and limits. This need not involve potching or punishing. Saying "no" and calmly redirecting is setting a boundary. Locking the door to the room with the computer so your child cannot access it is setting a boundary. Children need to learn the natural consequences of their actions. Contrary to popular belief, the natural consequence of child A hitting child B is NOT that child A gets a time-out or has to say 'I'm sorry' or whatever; it is that Child B is hurt. Empathy must be taught. I want my child to refrain from hitting not b/c he is afraid that he will be punished but b/c he doesn't want to hurt someone else. Punishment takes the focus off of where it should be--the effect my actions have on someone else--and encourages self-centeredness: what will happen to ME if I do a, b, or c, undermining empathy.

I hope granolamom responds to your post, as she has lots of wisdom to share about attachment as the foundation for development and the most crucial ingredient in raising children. A book she often recommends is �Hold onto your Kids� by Gordon Neufeld. I haven�t read the book but I googled it and based on the info I read I plan to order the book (thanks, granolamom Wink

).

Posted: Tue, Aug 21 2012, 4:58 am Post subject: re: How to discipline a toddler

thanx so much, that realy put things in perspective for me.

Posted: Tue, Aug 21 2012, 8:49 am Post subject: re: How to discipline a toddler

Neufeld's book is GREAT.

Potching: if it works for your child, you won't need to do it after a few times. If you keep needing it, it doesn't work and it's just hitting without a constructive goal (since it doesn't work). Same for any method.

In the end, no one can give you what will work for your dynamic. You have to think about it (when not angry) and try different ways, read up on it...
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Executive Member Joined: Jul 25 2011 Posts: 370

Thank you for bringing this up. I have the same issue with my 16-month old; I tell him no, but I feel like sometimes he understands and sometimes he doesn't. I have never hit him.
My 2 issues are tantrums and hitting. When he doesn't like something he throws tantrums, and lately he has started hitting me when he gets mad. He also hits other kids if they take his toy or get too close when I'm reading him a book. I have repeatedly said "no hitting" in a firm, calm voice but have seen no change. Any ideas?

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Senior Member Joined: Dec 17 2011 Posts: 221

Platinum Member Joined: Oct 14 2009 Posts: 6022

Just want to chime in here as I'm also desperate for advice. For quite a while I thought we were doing ok but you know how kids go into different stages...

DD is 21 months old now and we have a HUGE hitting/kicking/biting/pinching problem! I feel like I've tried everything and I'm at my wits' end. She is NOT aggressive or mean about it, it's all fun and smiley, she just seems to enjoy this kind of action. She is not doing it for attention, she usually does it when I'm already in middle of spending quality attentive time with her. I think she might be doing it to look for a reaction but I've tried ignoring it and that didn't help at all. Tried time out in crib, she definitely did not like it but still returned to the hitting etc next time. Tried just firmly saying "No ____!" with no emotion and turning/moving away. Still continues. Tried restraining the hitting hand or kicking foot, she kvetches but does it again anyway. Each thing I tried I did consistently for a while before giving up. The only thing I tried that I didn't maintain consistently was a little potch on the offending limb. I did it sharp enough that it should be meaningful but obviously not abusively. With no anger. Just a rap on the part that hurt me and "No ____." I did not keep that up because I am not comfortable with the idea of potching overall, especially when I am davka trying to teach her that we don't hit it seems totally counterintuitive. However, that was the LAST thing I tried, a total last resort, so it's not like she'd been getting mixed messages previously.

What's left?! First of all I'm worried about her chinuch and secondly I can't take the abuse anymore!!! I am the main recipient of her aggression, probably mostly because I'm the only one she sees all the time, but she doesn't do this nearly as much to DH. She'll kick at him during diaper changes but she doesn't hit or pinch him all the time like she does to me. We can't figure out anything he does differently that would cause this to be the case. Also we're expecting another baby soon IY"H and I really worry about the new baby becoming the new target.

Help!

Silver Member Joined: Feb 24 2011 Posts: 685

im a first timer here, and ill admit that my dd 22 motnhs is pretty easy going. but I find that WTVR I do to her, she does right back to me or to her friends.
I am proud of her when she sees someone doing something bad (like throwing, for ex)and she screams no no no no. bc shes right, we dont do that!
I only resort to hitting when it comes to danger, like going in the street, touching the oven, bc if I start potching her for discipline, I am 100% sure she will do it right back to me or her friends, which is terrible.
I find talking to my dd reaally helps, and makign stern faces, like when she runs away from me while were getting ready, or when I tell her its bath time and she runs away, I tell her 'ooo woww! whos gonna listen to mommy??! and she comes with in seconds.

Platinum Member Joined: Oct 14 2009 Posts: 6022

Gold Member Joined: Apr 27 2010 Posts: 2009

Platinum Member Joined: Oct 14 2009 Posts: 6022

Yeah, she gets sad when I walk away, says she'll play nicely, and does it again - not always right away, but for the long term it definitely hasn't helped.
And she repeats the lines all the time, it just hasn't impacted her behavior. She lists all the good things to do with feet, hands, etc. She SAYS "bite food, not people" but then a moment later she'll say, with a huge grin like she thinks it's hilarious, "Bite a mommy!" Siiiigh.

Posted: Wed, Aug 22 2012, 10:36 pm Post subject: re: How to discipline a toddler

ive tried many many different approaches to my ds's biting. none of them worked. but the best was, we put him in his chair (small plastic playchair) facing the wall, I would hold him down for a full minute from behind, ignoring his kicking and screaming. he hated it, and it was a huge threat. but only for about 2 minutes after he got that punishment. we saw him about to bite and said do you want to go in the chair with mommy holding you down????? he said no and quickly went away. after about 2 minutes, he was playing with my dh and suddenly bit him and said want chair. what do you do about that??!!!!
then I tried potching. I HATE doing that, but if its the only thing to get him to stop, I was willing to try it. he bit, I potched, he cried and said want kiss, I ignored that for about a minute, then went back to talking to him. every so often he bites and says want potch Laughing

or he bites and says want crib (that was another thing we tried)
ISNT HE JUST ADORABLE?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
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