Not invited to wedding - should I send MT wishes?

My first cousin is getting married in a few weeks. She is making a small wedding and didn't invite any family except her and her parents' siblings, AFAIK. A lot of the first cousins are hurt by this, especially as in our circles it just isn't done, not to invite close family to your wedding. However, it's her wedding and if she's not interested in sharing the simcha with the family, that's her prerogative.

Now, I live pretty far OOT and I wouldn't have been able to come to the wedding anyhow, so I don't really care that I wasn't invited. I would email her mazel tov wishes, but I'm wondering if she wouldn't take this as a snarky comment on not inviting me. FTR, I emailed her mazel tov wishes on her engagement and she didn't respond.

Gold Member Joined: Jan 17 2012 Posts: 1509

Depends why you want to wish her mazel tov.

If it's because you're truly happy for her.. do it.. and let the honest happiness show...

If it's because you think it's the right thing to do... or (I'm sure it isn't) because you want to 'get her back' for not inviting you, then I wouldn't do it.

Sounds like a difficult situation.

Good luck!

and if you would know that it's for financial or other significant reason which they cannot share, would that help you?

Just send her an email wishing her mazel tov.

We don't get to dance at every wedding.
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Platinum Member Joined: May 07 2008 Posts: 8962

Platinum Member Joined: May 07 2008 Posts: 8962

YES I think you should write her! What do you gain by cutting her off?

you really don't have much imagination, do you? you can't imagine any reason why a person might not be able to have a big wedding. You can't imagine that a person wouldn't want a big wedding but would be ok with a small one. You think the only reason to exclude cousins is that you don't want them there.

are you for real? how old are you? I hope you're very young because a mature woman should have sufficient life experience to be able to think of reasons, even if those reasons don't resonate with her. But even a young person should also be able to come up with at least one or two good reasons.
Finances are only one reason.

Some people feel that a big splashy wedding is inappropriate for a kallah in her mid-thirties. That's a rather archaic attitude but some people still feel that past age 30 or so it's not becoming.

What do you know about her future inlaws?
--possibly a member of the chosson's family is in avelus and they were told they can't attend a simcha with more than x number of people. Or maybe they just wanted to tone it down out of respect for the avel.
--Maybe one of them is very ill and can't be in large crowds. If someone is on chemo or is immunocompromised for some other reason, they are NOT ALLOWED to be in large crowds. She should exclude the chosson's grandmother or whatever so that you and the other cousins could attend?
-- Maybe her future sil has a phobia of crowds and would go berserk in a group of more than X number of people.
--Maybe her future father-in-law has hearing problems that make it difficult for him to manage in large assemblies.
--maybe the future bil is autistic and is comfortable only with people he already knows.
--maybe the kallah herself hates mob scenes and has decided that at her own wedding, at least, she wants to be comfortable.
--Maybe it's the chosson who objects to mob scenes. She should allow her chosson to be miserable at his own wedding?

point is, there could be any of many good reasons why a woman would have a small wedding, and money is only one of them.

You concede that the kallah had things going on at the time of the engagement. Why are you assuming those issues have been resolved and aren't still ongoing?

Forgive me, but you do NOT sound like someone who esteems or loves her cousin very much. Why are you assuming she'll judge you lechaf chovah if you send her a mazal tov? That doesn't make you sound like a loving cousin. We usually expect the people who love us to assume our motives are pure and expect them to do the same in return. But you are judging your cousin and expecting her to judge you in return. Which you would totally deserve, of course, but why assume she will?

Except for the fact that your cousin is having a wedding limited to immediate family--btw don't forget there's a chosson's side involved here and they just may have had something to do with this decision-- and didn't acknowledge an emailed mazal tov that for all you know she may not have even received--YOU could have made the mistake in one letter in the address--why would she look at you with an evil eye? What are you not telling us?

In any event, this wedding isn't about you. Time for you and the other cousins to grow up. Send the couple a nice card--addressed to both, as they are now an item--and not an email, but a real card via US Postal Service--in which you tell them how happy you are for them both, wish them much nachas, bayit neeman and all that, and send them both your love. Period. Fail to send that card, and you practicaly guarantee a rift in the family. Why should she not say "my rotten cousins, they didn't even bother to wish me mazal tov on my wedding"?

Look, you are making this into too big of a production. Write her, wish her mazel tov and all the happiness in the world, and if you can afford it send a nice gift, if you can't stick with the wishes. Ze hu.

I think probably she wants to have the wedding SHE wants (and her chassan, of course) Good for her.

Honestly if I would have got married in my mid 30s I would have had a VERY different wedding to the one I did have. I felt my wedding was mostly for my parents.

Obviously she wants a small fancy wedding with the friends and relatives she feels very close to, not a huge basic wedding with a hundred first cousins and aunts and parents colleagues.

Of course it hurts that she doesn't consider you close enough to invite. You don't say what sort of relationship you have apart from being cousins. Are you the same age? are you close otherwise?

I would wish her mazel tov, and try not to let this alienate you.

nowadays with all the show-off affairs - how much money can you spend & how many people did they invite - it sounds like a rather practical wedding

send her a gift & be happy for them
Cheers

מזל טוב !!! לחיים Cheers

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NUTso but cute ~ things balance out Nervous

Why are so many people telling me to send a gift? I don't understand. Do you send wedding gifts to people who don't invite you to their wedding?

Platinum Member Joined: Jan 01 2006 Posts: 48145

If she wanted to include her extended family, she could make a bigger engagement party or sheva brachos. she didn't.

You extended your wishes already and she didn't respond.

I think you're done.

Gold Member Joined: Jan 12 2010 Posts: 2261 Location: US

Platinum Member Joined: Feb 20 2009 Posts: 7595

I think its lovely to send MT wishes. No gift necessary. I would send one of my monogrammed correspondence cards vs an email- it seems more heartfelt. Choose your wording carefully so she understands you're sincere.

Gold Member Joined: Apr 19 2012 Posts: 1584

Platinum Member Joined: May 07 2008 Posts: 8962

do you send gifts to new babies even if you didn't watch the birth ...

if you said they were making a huge wedding and you're the only one not invited it would be different ... you are a relative & the sincerity of well wishes would come through with a gift ~ remember they're starting off a new life they probably need things [it doesn't have to be elaborate just a token & something useful][if you don't have monies it's a different story ~ then I would simply send a card]

Gold Member Joined: Jan 12 2010 Posts: 2261 Location: US

I would feel awkward if someone I didn't invite gave me a gift. So it actually might be the right move if the OP wants to take revenge for not being invited Wink

And who watches births besides the husband?

Gold Member Joined: Apr 27 2010 Posts: 1972

Write a nice mazel tov message but don't send a gift, imho.

And I agree with zaq's posts.