How do I teach manners to my children

My kids are 3 and 2 and I think they are terrible and not trained well (my fault!!!!!) Recently we had a child over and she was so calm and quiet, sat nicely to eat and then cleaned up after herself.
My kids cant sit still to eat, bring food all over the house, dont wipe their hands when they finish eating (and when I do they hate it and can barely let me clean their hands and mouth without squirming away and crying). They are loud and energetic and can't just sit nicely and play with toys - they always have to be doing something wrong. And I end up yelling a lot now, like my daughter, who is the 3 yr old, just will like wipe her hands and throw the napkin on the floor like it doesn't matter. And my son, the 2 yr old, threw his cup on the floor when he was finished drinking. It makes me so mad so I yell at them but I dont think they are really learning anything when I yell. Please teach me how to teach them manners!!!!

Executive Member Joined: Jan 22 2012 Posts: 322

Hi. I believe the best way to teach manners to young children is to speak with them in a polite & calm fashion. Example: "Please find your bottle & I will refill it for you". "Thank you for bringing the bottle to Mommy". "Please pick up the napkin" "Thank you". "I know you're hungry and lunch will be ready in just a few minutes, you're such a good girl/boy for waiting so nicely". If you are consistent with this method, it will become rote to you & your kids.

The children should also hear you and your DH speaking politely to one another. The tone you use while speaking will also go a long way. Children instinctively understand when their parents respect each other. I understand that it's easy to become frazzled with little kids so close in age; I've been there myself & lived to tell the tale.

My kids are quite a bit older than yours, and, BH, I always hear "Your girls are so polite". Best of luck. Cool

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Executive Member Joined: May 18 2010 Posts: 499

In terms of being polite, the best way to teach is by modeling. Toddlers love to copy. WHen you are going about your daily business, make sure to model whatever it is you want your kids to understand.

If you have let your kids run around with food, then they have no reason not to run around with food. The only way to stop that is to only serve food at the table. If they want to eat, they come to the table, no choices are arguing.

Some kids are more rambunctious than others, and you can't change the personality of your kids. But you need to show your kids how you would like them to behave, rather than just yelling that they are doing something wrong. This is much easier said than done, but there are some books out there that will probably help.

Gold Member Joined: Mar 23 2007 Posts: 1874 Location: NY

I don't sit with my kids when they eat at this point (I eat after them when it's more relaxing) but you could try sitting with them and talking through the meal.

Wow, look how nice "Dovi" is sitting. Here's a napkin, why don't you wipe your mouth, I see some tomato sauce around your mouth. Great job!

Oops! Watch out for your cup sweetie, let's place it over there so it doesn't spill.

Wow, we're all done! Let's carefully put our plates away and go wash our hands. Mine got sticky from the meal, too - follow me!

Etc Etc

If you're involved with it all instead of just directing them from wherever, it'll seem more fun and natural than like you're just ordering them. If you're consistent, it'll click.

I love my kids but they are not "easy" kids and the basic of mealtime are pretty good at this point. Don't ask me about other areas of etiquette though. Smile

I also give my kids pep talks about manners before we go to someone's house.
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Gold Member Joined: Nov 16 2010 Posts: 1438

Every time my toddler throws something in the garbage.. even the smallest thing I make a big deal out of it and say yayyyy and clap my hands. He also started clapping his hands now when he throws things away.
He still has his moods though when he just wants to throw something on the floor... but clapping does make a huge difference.

Diamond Member Joined: Oct 25 2007 Posts: 4832

I'm sure a lot of people will disagree with me, but I found that table manners were best taught by using the most obscure, oddball practices and rules available. Kids love pomp, circumstance, and drama -- the more the better! So play into that craving.

Introduce a new "rule" every week that can't be taken too personally by anyone. For example, I remember teaching my kids that plates should be two-fingers'-width from the edge of the table. I made a huge deal about this, and whoever was putting out paper plates that evening checked carefully, and his/her siblings came along and checked again. It was fun, easy, and non-confrontational.

If I recall, we then advanced to where water glasses are "properly" set.

Sometimes I'd toss in utterly irrelevant trivia, like why I don't use napkin rings.^*

Once I even watched a documentary with them on how the Buckingham Palace staff sets the table for state dinners!

The upshot of all this was that it became easy to slip in things like chewing quietly, using a napkin, etc., without making it into a power struggle. It was a natural segue that didn't bruise anyone's ego.

The only problem is that I did this with my older "litter" of kids; by the time my last child arrived, the job was completed. Except, not really. So he has to endure the constant correction of his eating habits by his older siblings.

^* In previous eras, cloth napkins were not laundered between each meal, so individual napkin rings were how family members identified "their" napkins for re-use. Nowadays, napkin rings are generally decorative, but this historical tidbit was just gross enough to entrance my school-age children.

Fox - your table sounds like fun!
The only way to get my active 3yo to sit nicely is to actually hold him on my lap while he eats.
This eliminates the need for calling him back to the table every 2 minutes. I hppe the sitting will eventually become second nature to him and I'll have my lap back!

Really to echo what most other ppl are saying: example, example, example.

ok, my kids are really not that bad, but I laughed at op's kid throwing the napkin on the floor. if she knows I'm not looking, my dd will wipe her hands on the table. who needs napkins?

they're generally pretty good, though. I will tell them calmly that the polite way to do things is x. if they are being obnoxious, I tell them that they should try to behave another way so as not to be rude. we're reading the little house books together, and my current strategy is to tell them that children should be seen and not heard, which they find hysterical. if they tantrum, I paraphrase the ingalls parents. "for shame, ds, whining at your age!" they think this is hysterical too. my son recently started whining about having to get himself drinks when I'm busy, so I intend to tell him to go get a bucketful from the well. I'm sure he'll enjoy that. I think I'll read some emily post with them too. that should be fun.