My SIL just had a baby and I didn't know she was pregnant

Senior Member Joined: May 07 2012 Age: 30 Posts: 186

We don't live in the same neighborhood. I found out she was expecting a few weeks ago, but not from her. Isn't it basic decency to tell your close friends and relatives?

Gold Member Joined: May 22 2008 Posts: 1046

I understand your hurt, I really do - however, it is really not up to you!

I have a sister and sister-in-law who both had children after a gap of many many years, they did not tell any of the family when they were pregnant - I had a major shock when I found out, I cried tears of happiness and wished them Mazel Tov with all my heart.

I know, being left out of the loop - sucks!
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'איזהו עשיר השמח בחלקו'

Moderator Joined: Aug 14 2005 Posts: 4703 Location: Ohio

Maybe she wasn't telling for a reason. Fear of ayin hara? Maybe there was a problem with the pregnancy? With my second, we didn't tell until I was about 23 weeks along because there were some issues and we were afraid we were going to lose her.

It could be as simple as she assumed someone else told you.

And there's this new thing I've heard where people aren't telling the whole nine months and trying to hide it either for "tznius" reasons or for "ayin hara" reasons.

I know of someone who had a baby recently and her own children didn't know.
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mommy to 2 girls, 1 boy

"I would rather have my people laugh at my economies than weep for my extravagance."
--King Oscar of Sweden

"Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal!"
--Wash

Op, I have the same story here.
I just learned that my SIL is in her 7th month. I don't think it's nice of her at all. But I don't let it bother me too much. May it be mine and yours, smallest problem!

Diamond Member Joined: Jan 14 2011 Posts: 2824

I have a sil who lives in a different city, whom I did not see her entire pregnancy. I heard she was pregnant from my sister shortly before she had the baby, when my sister realized that everyone in the family knew but me (I'm the only one not local).

Was I a bit hurt? Yes. But this pregnancy came after a few years of infertility, and I really couldn't judge her for her choices.

Yes, it is a decentcy to do it. Not everyone is decent and considerate. I make sure my family and friends know before I start showing.
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Diamond Member Joined: Aug 03 2007 Posts: 4449

When I was having a hard time conceiving a healthy pregnancy, and then finally did, I shared it at least with my close friends/family who were davening so hard for me. Imagine those who actually feel guilty with you about their own kids or pregnancies b/c they think you're still struggling?

Platinum Member Joined: Sep 11 2004 Posts: 19241

Executive Member Joined: Aug 08 2011 Posts: 345

I do not have issues with your SIL not telling you.

However, were it me, I would be mad at my BROTHER (or husband's brother, however u may be SILs).
My sister-in-law and I are not close at all, but she is very close to my husband, aka her brother, and whenever there is news, either she tells my husband who tells me, or my husband tells her.

If it is your husband's brother's wife, I do expect DH's brother to tell him. That is only mentchlich.

Silver Member Joined: Jun 12 2011 Posts: 786

Gold Member Joined: Aug 12 2009 Posts: 1732

I agree with everyone who wrote that everyone has a right to keep the info quiet for whatever reason they choose BUT that does't seem to be the case here.

OP's SIL was not choosing to keep it quiet. OP heard the news from someone else who obviously knew so it wasn't a secret, everyone knew except the OP. I would be offended in that situation!

It never occurred to me to keep my PGs a secret, and when my friend did hold back from telling me, it felt like a slap in the face, like she thought I would give her an ayin hara. My gosh, what was she thinking...that I wouldn't be so happy for her??? What kind of person does she think I am? It was so painful to me. Certainly, there is no reason what so ever to hold back from family. Being 'just' a close friend, I really felt 'put in my place' that is for sure. Crying or Very sad

Gold Member Joined: Aug 12 2009 Posts: 1732

Did she keep it a secret from everyone or just from you Chani8? That makes a big difference IMO.

I had a friend keep a pregnancy a secret once but I wasn't upset because she kept it from everyone. No idea how she hid it! I didn't see her for a couple of months or so before she gave birth, I was busy, I guessed she was too, then one day I sent her an SMS about I shiur I thought she might like and she was like "Oh I just gave birth last night!"

I also received an email from my dad a couple of days ago asking when my cousin's baby is due. I didn't even know she was pregnant! Turns out everyone else in the family knew and the baby is due in 4 weeks so it isn't exactly new news. That hurt, the first situation didn't.

Both of those situations would hurt me. What is with those women who hide it...they think everyone is out to get them. Let them wear a burka then, it they are so 'private'. It's just not nice or normal, if you ask me. It is something that we say in a hush hush and bli ayin hara and spit spit spit, but we still 'tell'.
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black sheep wrote: Trauma doesn't ruin lives; never recovering from trauma ruins lives.

My first pregnancy was a full term stillbirth. When I was pregnant with my son I told parents and inlaws after 13 weeks and no one else. Everyone else found out when I put on maternity and on their own- I told no one. I edon't think it was mean or in considerate, I had a los before and wa nervous the whole time and didnt feel everyone had to know. (everyone found out eventually from seeing me) I am now pregnant- I just finished my first trimester. my kids will iyh be 18 months apart and so far I told noone. I will tell whoever I feel like telling, wheneverI feel like telling them.