What to do when ds and dh don't get along

I have an issue as ds is hard to handle (he's adhd)
I learned that I have to ignore a lot

lately dh is not managing with him - he gets upset at him and calls him names like stupid and retarded and not normal which only makes ds more wild and ready to fight

the main issue is shabbos when both are home

any practical ideas to manage this?
my house is turning into war zone and I can't send dh or ds away every shabbos

I tried talking to dh and telling him he's the adult and should practice control but he says he can't and then goes on how my chinuch for my kids isn't good anyway

any advice from someone who has been through this?

My kids are still very little so I can't give you personal advice. My mother had this issue with one of my brothers. He was extremely difficult (possibly undiagnosed ADD as well as a reading disability) and my father really couldn't handle it. My mother looked away from most of what he did, but when my father was around he couldn't believe the things my mother let him get away with. He would really get mad both at my brother and mother and I must say it had a very negative effect on myself and another one of my sisters. We understood that a lot of what he did was beyond his control and to see my father be so hard on him was really difficult for us. My brother would get so raging mad whenever my father would get upset at him, often he would walk out of the house and not come home for hours, which was really scary for us.

Over the years, my father has mellowed a lot, but I believe that a lot of it has to do with my mother's intervention. She is more mild-tempered but stands very strongly for what she believes in. She knew that this brother needed a gentle hand and she was able to provide that for him and although it took many years, she did get my father off his back. It's a really hard situation and I sympathize with you. Just so you know, my brother is 18 now and doing great, bh!

not op but bumping bec its relevant to me

Posted: Sun, Dec 18 2011, 6:02 pm Post subject:

OK, I recommend therapy sometimes but not always. But I will this time. I would venture to say that it is abusive to call a kid stupid, retarded and not normal. Whether it's a counselor or a rav, someone needs to help the DH understand that he is damaging the kid and making the situation worse.

It's not unusual for parents to react strongly when their ideals for their kids don't come true. But they have to understand what their role is as parents.

I just wanted you to know that you are not alone - I could have written this post exactly. I have two sons with ADHD and learning disabilties and my husband is extremely hard on both of them. I try to give them lots of positive interaction but it is very difficult to watch my husband destroy their self-esteem. I don't have an answer. I just thought you should know that there are others in a similar situation. Maybe we can give each other our sons' names and we can daven for each other?

Mine are Yehoshua Leib ben Pinchas and Yaacov Mordechai ben Pinchas.

If you give me your son's name, I can daven for him...

Ouch.

I have a son who is undiagnosed yet but we're in the process of finding out what the issue is.
He can get really out of control, hits everyone in his way, throw things, wont listen to anyone, tantrum..
the works!
In his special-ed integrated class they dont have it as mucch cuz it's usually when he's not in a fully structured environment that these happen.
Anyway In the beggining my husband and I would get mad at him and punnish him severely for doing things that are not appropriate for his age.
When he consistently didnt learn his lesson I realized that it's not the typical, but my husband just continued at it.
Punishing him all the time and it really hurt me seeing ds be punished knowing he wont gain anything out of it.

I started slowly pointing it out to dh that if it wont help and only make it worse then why bother.
BH he agreed to realize it and although its not easy we try to just to let him know what and why its wrong what he did.

Hopefully we will soon have a clear diagnosis and a follow through on how to deal w it, but I feel thta just by realizing that punishing wont help, the house did get a little calmer (cuz punishing comes with its own consenquences and tantrums! )

Crying just reading this because I am dealing with the same thing. But, to be honest, sometimes I lose it too! It's so hard to feel like I am responsible to keep it all together.

I can say that this is without a doubt the number 1 reason we ever argue. It is so hard not to feel resentful towards ds and feel as if he is getting in the way of a smooth marriage.

I have nothing to offer in terms of advice. Dh really tries and of course, the more he understands what ds's issues are, the better it is, but the bottom line is, we both have to work really hard to remain under control. I think part of my resentment is that I work harder at it, while dh lets himself go more often.

Gold Member Joined: Oct 20 2010 Posts: 1677

To the mom who posted her children's names. During a person's life you say ben/bas the mother. After 120-liluy nishmas you say ben/bas the father.

Good Luck to all of you! You are amazing women for handeling what could sometimes feel like the impossible.