Who should pay for the kiddush

Posted: Mon, Jun 04 2012, 7:50 pm Post subject: who should pay for the kiddush

DH and I have agreed to sponsor the shul kiddush in a few weeks time, in honor of family yarzeit. I just found out that there is going to be an aufruf on same shabbos where the groom's family will be bringing a few dozens out of town guests. I called the other family (actually groom's parents whom I don't know that well) to see if they're willing to share the costs but was explicitly told that they have no intention of doing so. Their excuse is that they don't want anything elaborate because they're having sit down lunch afterwards for their guests. We aren't doing anything elaborate, just a few kugels and dips and pastry platters and that's about it, but now having to cater to 80 people instead of usual 50 does make difference in terms of costs. I can of course just get enough food for 50 but it won't be nice knowing there'll be extra people and we don't want to look cheap. It's not that we are struggling financially BE'H but still the costs are so much more. But I just don't like the idea that we have to pay for other guests who are coming for someone else's simcha. Any graceful solution here?

Can you move the kiddush to a different shabbos or ask the Rabbi what he thinks you should do.

no we can't move the date for a few specific reasons. I've asked the rebetzen for advice but her suggestion was to call the other family to see if we can split (which obviously they're not interested).

Gold Member Joined: Apr 27 2010 Posts: 1972

Can you explain to the other family that you had decided in advance to sponsor a regular kiddush for X amount of people. You know that they are making a simcha that week and may have extra people, so if they want they can add to the kiddush as per their needs, and as per how many guests they'll be having.

I don't think that sounds cheap- I think it's odd for them to expect you to pay for their whole kiddush.
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Diamond Member Joined: Oct 26 2009 Posts: 2510

Platinum Member Joined: Oct 14 2009 Posts: 5870

I'd give the other family 2 choices. Many people make a kiddush as part of their shabbos simcha, so the aufruf guests might naturally assume that the kiddush is part of their program, while the hosts say that is not the case and they are doing a sit-down meal for their guests instead. Therefore I would call the aufruf hosts and inform them that I plan on hosting a kiddush for the usual 50 members of the shul in honor of my occasion, and they should inform their guests that the kiddush is someone else's and aufruf guests are to proceed directly to meal. Alternatively, if they wish to include their guests in the kiddush, they may chip in to sponsor half the costs. That way you are not demanding that they pay in, but you are also making it clear that you aren't planning to foot the bill for their guests and you also don't intend for their guests to take away from yours.

Several possibilities:

Find out the exact count of their guests. The hosts do not sound lavish.

Cancel the kiddush and host a shalosh seudah instead.

Make a kiddush in your home.

Change your menu - less expensive items.

Make your kiddush anyway. Things happen. More brochos said at kiddush = a greater Aliya Neshama

Platinum Member Joined: Jan 01 2006 Posts: 48139

I also think it's odd of them to expect you to feed their guests. Maybe they should be told not to stay, and to go right to their seudah.

Gold Member Joined: Feb 13 2007 Posts: 1259

People being people, their guests will probably end up at the kiddush even if they're told to head straight home. Get cheaper foods, arrange them nicely, and earn a mitzvah that will accompany you for eternity and be a wonderful zechus for the person whose yarzeit it is.

Moderator Joined: Aug 14 2005 Posts: 4537 Location: Ohio

If you ask that their guests don't stay for the kiddush, and you haven't ordered enough food for everyone, they will invariably get confused and stay, and you will be annoyed. Or, you will have some people whispering to some guests to leave, and people will get embarrassed.

For your own peace of mind, you should either switch the kiddush to a different Shabbos, or cater for everyone. It's just not right to ask that people who davened in the shul not attend the kiddush following. The chosson's family won't pay extra, because they will accept whatever simple kiddush happens after davening. But the guests won't understand all the politics. They will just mosey on over to the kiddush because the rest of the mispallelim are doing so.

Don't risk discomfiting yourself or visitors. It will just ruin your Shabbos.

Gold Member Joined: Aug 12 2009 Posts: 1699

I agree with Isramom8.

It is not nice to tell some of the people who have davened in shul that they can't stay for the kiddush, what a way to treat visitors to the shul! Even if they WERE told, people would inevitably stay and if you'd only catered for 50 it might end up being YOUR guests who miss out.

I also think it is not fair if you have to pay for 30 extra guests who are there for a simcha that is nothing to do with you.

It is a shame the rebetzin wasn't more helpful. Manyhats had some good suggestions. In your position I think I woud make the kiddush anyway or make it but with cheaper food.

Can you have it in your home?
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Diamond Member Joined: Apr 18 2010 Posts: 3017

Could you have a separate private kiddush in a different room? A lot of shuls always have a main kiddush for everyone with just cake, while someone who has a lot of guests in for a simcha makes a more lavish guests-only kiddush in a different room.

Gold Member Joined: Jul 14 2009 Posts: 2094

who should pay for the extra ppl? them. but since it's l'iluy nishmas somebody & you can technically afford it I say you do it in the name of sholom. & not tell ppl about it.