Guest "left" on Shabbos

Platinum Member Joined: Jan 01 2006 Posts: 48139

We have a newly learning to be frum college girl coming to us on some Shabbosim. The problem is, she's bipolar and off her meds, and after the fish, decided she was driving home.

I really want to open my home to people who need a Shabbos - hey, someone did it for me years back - but it's very unsettling to see someone pack up and leave!

Any ideas?

Posted: Sun, Nov 12 2006, 12:53 pm Post subject: re: Guest "left" on Shabbos

Sara,

I'm sure you've spent time in Chabad Houses. How do Shluchim do mivtzoyim? By making a wonderful Shabbos, inviting guests, and letting the guests come in whatever way makes them feel comfortable. Most people who become frum through Chabad will talk about how they used to drive to the Chabad House for Shabbosim but then decided to start sleeping in the community in order to not have to drive. The Shluchim accept that different people are in different places, and perhaps they close their window shades in order not to involve themselves in the way in which their guests arrive and depart. This mivtzoyim is wonderful, but you're not a Chabad House-- so you can decide whether you want to have such guests or not.

Also, Shluchim know what they are and what they are not-- and what they are not is trained mental health professionals. Thus when they have a guest with severe emotional problems, they oftentimes invite the guest but recommend psychological help as well.

Hope this helps.

Platinum Member Joined: Jan 01 2006 Posts: 48139

I'm not the biggest machnis orech. I'm tired on Friday nights and Shabbos day I eat in shul.

I'm not the biggest learner or the best person to speak or give over inyanim. There are much better places, where people can expound Torah and make Yiddishkeit exciting.

I just feel like I failed, that's all. Yes, I know she came with problems, but I'm not a chabad house, I'm just a lady with failings and hopes and dreams.

And I don't want people to co,e and go on shabbos....nor do I want my kids to see that!

Gold Member Joined: Sep 04 2004 Posts: 1520

maybe her unstable condition caused her to leave suddenly.
But maybe when she is in a stable state she may think back to your hospitality and be touched by it and something will affect her positively.
as far as driving is concerned, your children are aware I'm sure that she is not frum and they know that non frum people exist and are lacking in the understanding that driving on shabbos is wrong.

I don't think you should think that you failed. The Rebbe adresses this issue.
I'm sure you kindled some spark in her by having her at your shabbos table even if only untill after the fish and at some point in time, whether it be a year from now 5 yrs or 10 that spark may surface and ignite a larger flame inside her neshama.
who knows what wonders that tiny spark may do.
In my opinion only good can come out of your hospitality to her.
_________________
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

Posted: Mon, Nov 13 2006, 3:15 am Post subject: re: Guest "left" on Shabbos

Wow, Sara, that was such an honest and heartfelt post. You usually write with such an air of confidence and know-how, but this time you sound so upset by what happened-- and frustrated as well.

Yes, it was an upsetting incident. I'm glad that you have your boundaries in tact though-- and you could clearly say that you do not want to run your home like a Chabad House. You can have those boundaries in mind in the future when inviting guests and speaking to potential guests about how Shabbos works in your home.

As for the failure part, you were dealing with an emotionally unstable person. Nothing a person in this state does could possible reflect on you-- a good person who opened her home.

And as for the bigger picture, I think it's important to remember that we each have a different Avodah. We were each given a different hand, and we have to play the hand that we are dealt. You've written in many posts about working fulltime, so you're allowed to be tired Fri nights!

And learning-- who is the best learner? Our goal as Chabad Chassidim isn't to be the best-- it's to be constantly improving, constantly working on ourselves. Yes, the Frierdiker Rebbe speaks in the Rebbe Rashab's name about how we need to be Lamplighters for other Yidden, but now we have remember how we each have a different Avodah. Some lamps are a person's Avodah to light-- and some lamps are not. To take the latter concept a step further, some people's Avodah is davka NOT to light certain lamps-- aka steer clear of certain people!! Chassidus also explains that this, iskafia, is actually a higher level of Avodah!!

I can't try to change your feeling of failure, but I just want to let you know that I don't think you failed at all-- and maybe you can see a little of what I mean. And let me close with a bracha that you should keep lighting the lamps that are your Avodah to light and keep growing in the light of our Rebbeim as a true Bas-Chabad... L'Chaim!

Platinum Member Joined: Jan 01 2006 Posts: 48139

I know, I paint a confident, exciting picture of myself, and for the most part, I'm a grown up and self assured about my avoidah.

And then, here and again, a nervous beginner raises her head, unsure and uncomfortable in the world that I made myelf a part of.....

Posted: Mon, Nov 13 2006, 11:26 am Post subject: re: Guest "left" on Shabbos

Raise your hand more often... I like this side of you.

Posted: Sun, Nov 26 2006, 12:43 pm Post subject:

did you actually find out why she left. sometimes unbeknownst to the host you could be too pushy with some of your religious ideals - however, if you look at the other side a non frum person just wanting to feel part of shabbos maybe she wasn't ready for the whole experience
try talking with her and be gentle
_________________
don't wonder why people go crazy ... rather wonder why we don't
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NUTso but cute ~ things balance out Nervous