Left in the lurch!!

Posted: Tue, May 01 2012, 5:47 pm Post subject: Left in the lurch!!

My daughter goes to a school that requires us to have a rota/carpool with 2 other families. Both me and one of the other mothers are due to give birth next week. The 3rd mother has just texted me saying she is pulling out of the car pool next week because she claims her daughter is upset every day because the other 2 girls in the car are being mean to her. From what I see, it goes both ways, this girl is no saint, she gives as good as she gets sometimes. But I dont really see much of a problem. This girl likes to exclude herself, make herself miserable and then complain to her mother. Shes 9.

So, I feel that her mother, by pulling out and leaving the rest of us in the lurch with more journeys to do just as we have a new baby, is giving her daughter alot of power by doing this. Am I right to think this is unfair of her to do and that she should continue in the carpool until the end of the school year? I would never consider doing this to someone else, gosh, I'm really mad right now!

Would appreciate the replies....

Diamond Member Joined: Mar 11 2010 Posts: 3058

She may be dealing with her daughter's problems in the only way she knows how. Have a talk with her and discuss this problem and make it clear that it goes both ways and that you are willing to deal with it.

Or, she may realize that more of the carpool burden will fall on her when the two of you will give birth and this was a tactful way of pulling out before that happens (she thought).

Posted: Tue, May 01 2012, 8:37 pm Post subject: Re: re: Left in the lurch!!

Platinum Member Joined: Oct 14 2009 Posts: 5867

I don't call that a tactful way of pulling out, I think it's sleazy. If she is concerned about what will happen when you give birth, she should bring it up for discussion so you can work something out to mutual satisfaction - find a way for husbands or someone else (maybe you can pay a friend?) to take over, or do more of her days at a different time, work out a suitable compromise for everyone.

Has she complained in the past about your girls being mean to hers? If it's the first you've heard of this, I'd ask her for an opportunity to work things out. She alleges her kid is upset "every day," that means including when you're driving - so you and your other friend should keep an ear out and see what, if any, intervention is needed. And convince your girls to be extra nice to this girl, that's the way life is, when you need something from someone you often have to butter them up.

Posted: Wed, May 02 2012, 10:45 am Post subject: re: Left in the lurch!!

It's a little bit different, but my son was in a rotating tzaharon (after school playgroup) a couple years ago.

It was GREAT the first year, there were 3 boys, each parent would pick the kids up from gan one day a week and keep them for 2 hours, giving all the moms two days a week with 2 extra hours to themselves after gan.

The next year, we added another boy. About 2 months into the year I was told by my friend (not one of the other moms, a friend who happened to be at our friend's house when she had tzaharon) that the other kids were majorly bullying my son, and gave me examples.

I pulled him out IMMEDIATELY. I called the other moms and told them that I'm sorry, but for my son's sake (he was only 4 at the time, I didn't feel it was worth it or necessary to work on the social situation instead of pulling him out) that I was done with tzaharon, effective that day.

I also switched him into a private gan that week. His ganenet was always screaming at the kids, in addition to allowing them to bully my son and he was miserable. Both of those moves resulted in getting my cheerful happy son back. BEST move I made, no doubt.

I kinda felt bad about pulling a day away from them, but not nearly enough to back out on my decision. I also felt if they were monitering the situation better and didn't allow the kids to bully DS so much, maybe it wouldn't have gotten that bad and I wouldn't have had to pull out.

Bottom line- you don't really know what issues the girl has, how carpool is affecting her, etc. It's inconvenient for this mom too, she has to always drive now! If she was willing to make the switch despite the inconvenience for her, you have to assume that it was worth it for her to make that decision in the way she felt would be best for her daughter. It's not your place to say she could have worked on xyz, or the situation is xyz. She has to do what's best for her kid, and inconveniencing you doesn't outweigh that in her decision.

Platinum Member Joined: Oct 14 2009 Posts: 5867

Carpool seems very different than tzaharon to me. How are they supposed to get their kids to school, starting immediately?! Also, unless they have an hour long commute, usually carpool is a shorter business and one where the kids can choose not to interact. Or be told to.

That said, I re-read the original post and the one part I take issue with is that the kid "likes to exclude herself, make herself miserable and then complain to her mother." In my experience, kids don't "like" to be miserable, they behave this way because they simply don't have better social skills and they don't know another way. You could talk to your kids about having rachmanus on her and ways that they can be nice even if she's not easy to get along with.

If mom's already firm on her decision, maybe if your kids write an apology letter to hers they might thaw out...

Gold Member Joined: Jan 12 2010 Posts: 2261 Location: US

Aren't you and the other parents in the carpool supervising what's going on in the car? Why can't you put a stop to any conversations that are making any one uncomfortable? I'm assuming you can't be in the car for all that long anyway. I think this can be worked out. And maybe you should discuss how she will manage when the 2 of you are not available, in case that's what is bothering her too.

Active Poster Joined: Mar 14 2005 Posts: 61

Another difference between the carpool and tzaharon examples:
Tzaharon mom pulled her child out two months into the year (and as was pointed out, just means that there's one more day that the mothers have their children home earlier). Carpool mom pulled out of the rotation when there's about 1.5 months-2 months LEFT to the school year, when it's near impossible to find a replacement.

(I'm lucky as my kids either walk or bus to school.)