What's the secret to make your kids be close to each other

To all you smart imamothers. Those with married children and those with married siblings.
What's the secret in keeping your kids (or your parents' secret for keeping your siblings)close to one another after marriage. Sisters and brothers, younger and older whether they are 10 or 15 or more years apart from one another.

My children are still young and I want to instill in them the value of being close to one another after they get married.

So what is the secret?

I know davening is one of them and very important.
Please share your tips and advice.

Don't compare them!
'Siblings Without Rivalry' has a lot of good suggestions.
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My siblings and I used to fight and argue when we were kids, but now we are close though we are different from each other. I know that if I ever need help I can count on them. What my parents did: Encourage children to be individuals and develop their own interests and talents. Don't say things like, "why can't you be more like your brother/ sister?" Try not to get involved in squabbles unless necessary.

My husband is not especially close with some of his siblings, and today many of them are competitive with and downright nasty to each other. When he was growing up, his parents often compared the siblings with each other unfavorably. During one recent visit, he got into a argument with his sister, and when she complained to their mother, his mother yelled at him.

My oldest kids are barely teens. When they were younger, I used to point out to the older ones how their younger siblings looked up to and admired them ("look at your little brother, he's trying to run so he can be big like you"). Now that they are older, I encourage them to work together and help each other, and praise them for that behavior. ("wow, you did such a good job teaching your sister her brachos, I can tell she feels so proud to be able to say them like you do"). My kids are naturally competitive and tend to compare themselves to others. I try to channel this a little by telling them that rather than trying to do better than their brother or friend, they should try to do better than they did last week.

Silver Member Joined: Aug 30 2010 Posts: 608

Don't compare them. Value each one's unique talents - one might be bright, another creative, another helpful and caring, another dependable, etc. - but on the other hand, don't label them as ''the dependable one". for example.
Don't favor one over another and don't punish one or all because of others.

My kids are married now, and it has always been important to me that they be close with one another. I don't have room for everyone, but I mix and match them for Shabbatot. I invite grandchildren of the same age, so they can spend time with their cousins. We all get together a couple times a year and it's become a tradition - Chanuka party at one, Purim Seuda at another, Yom Haatzmaut barbeque at another, etc.

I never give one sibling messages from the other - I tell them to call.

These are some of my strategies...

So far - it seems to be working.

Moderator Joined: Jun 05 2011 Posts: 3377

I think showing that you value the family unit is essential. As well as demonstrating the importance of loyalty.

And don't give just one of them a colorful coat.
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Moderator Joined: Mar 29 2005 Posts: 18318

Pay for their cell phone in a family plan? Wink

Halevai, right?
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have a dysfunctional home where it's clear that all they can depend on is each other.

Platinum Member Joined: Mar 24 2008 Posts: 6528

I don't think the way young children interact determines future relationships.

My siblings and I fought a lot as kids (my poor mother). Even as older teenagers (at that point it was comical) but we are so close now, and love getting together and spending time with each other.

Last edited by ewa-jo on Wed, Apr 25 2012, 1:28 pm; edited 1 time in total

(disclaimer: I only have small children.. my oldest is 3 years old)

I think being close to your siblings is the best way to make your kids close to one another. If they see you calling, visiting, inviting over...etc your siblings (with happiness) then they will see it as good and normal and they will emulate it in their own lives. Also, be nice to your parents.... for the same reason.

The secret to them being close when they are small is to have them 15 or 16 months apart.. lol.
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Moderator Joined: Mar 29 2005 Posts: 18318

I fought tons with my siblings, and that probably helped. When you're close enough to fight, that means you care about the other. But for as many scars as I have from the scratching and pinching we did, I have many more memories of laughing together.

I'm pretty close with my siblings, even if I don't speak to everyone every week. But they know they can call me whenever, and they will do so (at work, at 11 PM, it doesn't matter)...I'll be there for them. One sign of the closeness is that we can pick up where we left off even if we haven't seen each other in a long while or spoken to each other either.

And no, I don't have a family cell. That was a joke.

Moderator Joined: Mar 29 2005 Posts: 18318

And what Fox will say: family meals.

Not all children who fight when young will be close as adults. I'm the amother who replied above. I used to fight with my siblings, and we are close now, though we still disagree on some things (politics for one). But my husband used to fight with his siblings and nearly every time I see them they're sniping at each other.

Diamond Member Joined: Apr 18 2010 Posts: 3040

My next oldest sibling is a couple of years older than me, and there are four of us all together. I'm the baby. We didn't fight much growing up, at least by the time I got old enough to care. We pretty much had our own different lives.

We're not close now. Not at all. One of them I actually think has horrible, terrible middos. He gets upset over the most ridiculous things, makes family feuds out of nothing, is constantly gossiping to me about the other siblings no matter how much I try to avoid it...and I'm sure he's gossiping to them about me. His wife is the same way.

Of the two other siblings, one of them has a completely different personality than me and is hashkafically very different from me, so we're sort of at a "polite acquaintance" level. The other one is great, and we're friendly with each other, but not as close as most adults siblings I know.

I think that the number 1 thing you can do to keep your kids as close to each other as possible is to help them with their middos. Teach them how to overlook things that people do -- especially by mistake. Teach them to judge other people l'kaf zchus. Teach them to accept people who are different from them. Teach them to love giving to other people.

My parents are wonderful, and I'm actually quite close to them. So are my siblings except for the one above who gets upset at everyone else. I have no idea if they could have done anything differently. But I do wish that I was closer with my sibs Sad

Diamond Member Joined: Apr 18 2010 Posts: 3040