What do you think of leaving young children to go on vacatio

Not entering the controversy, but on the other topics raised:

It would be good for me to be a bit more "detatched" and not so obsessed and involved. Many have told me so but I'm unable. DD often tells me to stop babying her already. I'm obsessed by my kids. If someone questioned my attachment everyone would question their sanity.

My cleaning lady has three kids and spends one month away every year. She lives very very modestly the rest of the year. But you don't have to be rich.
_________________

"You will have many many children and make successful shidduchim beh", rebbetzin Esther Jungreis
"It's all cultural, disagree respectfully", me

Gold Member Joined: Mar 23 2007 Posts: 1877 Location: NY

I would send a much older child for a month to grandparents, sequoia, if I trusted them. It's the 3 yr old age/length of time combo that, in my parenting culture, is inappropriate. And that's the common view around here, not just my own.
_________________
I'm not the popular Mama Bear. I'm "the other one."

I think Ruchel has a different situation. Her dd knows her parents very very well, and they even lived in the same house for a couple of years. In that situation, I don't think it would be traumatic for a young kid to stay with grandparents for even a long time.

However, normally I would be hesitant about leaving a kid that age for so long. I also can't imagine being able to take off for a whole month...2 weeks would be plenty for me.

Gold Member Joined: Mar 23 2007 Posts: 1877 Location: NY

No quite honestly I think it's bad parenting and selfish. But according to a few viewpoints on this thread, I am the product of my cultural upbringing and you are the product of yours. So what I see as inappropriateis just a well deserved long vacation/fun getaway at grandm'as house in your country.

Platinum Member Joined: Nov 04 2008 Posts: 7933

Gold Member Joined: Jun 01 2009 Posts: 2307

Platinum Member Joined: Mar 24 2008 Posts: 6528

Month wise, it's definitely not something we personally can do every year or even want to. I have friends ready to save like crazy for this, I'm not. BH I've had my honeymoon, now I actually prefer smaller vacations, with the kid(s) unless the country is not safe enough in our opinion.

I went to school with kids who looked forward like crazy to their summer vacay, one month or two at the grandparents, in the countryside, grandparents they only saw during these vacations. They could be threatened with NOT going. My mom and uncles started summer camps at 3. The only thing they minded was that the places stank in their opinion. It's all about what is normal and how it is presented.

I grew up in the projects until I turned 10 or so and every single year we were in Israel for a month or two. Btw I have kindly been told that bringing your child to Israel is for some inappropriate because of the situation there...

Others maythink not taking couple vacations will scare the child into thinking he is the only reason you stay together, or that you are not teaching him proper couple relationship, or that you are depriving your parents of all grandchild joy (I don't believe it is the case btw, but just saying I have heard it and take it just as seriously as what I hear here).

Let's be blunt, the parents and mechanchim I admire do NOT parent American style. At all. I happen to find the "Imamother American parenting" (not sure how to refer to it, as it is also not all the posters) to be very negative for the children. But I would rather not have to give details.

Numbers do not matter, especially on a board where most people are from similar background. If I go on a certain French board I used to go, I could think almost all Jews are traditional or MO Mizrachim from North Africa and Ashkenazim are virtually all non shomer mitsvos, and wait, Hungarians are probably the freiest of all. On Imamother? Opposite. That's the internet. People who take numbers to heart should by definition not be Jewish, even less shomer.

Where's MARINA??

Platinum Member Joined: Nov 04 2008 Posts: 7933

Platinum Member Joined: Nov 04 2008 Posts: 7933

I was sent to Ukraine alone starting from age 12; my cousin would meet me at the airport in Kiev and take me to my grandparents' town. And was it ever more fun without my mom! Laughing

Incidentally, I love your new location.

Ha, it's such a nice place - did you see the pics? Too bad I'm soon moving to the Slytherin dorms...

Diamond Member Joined: Aug 07 2006 Posts: 2556

Yes, many people will be away all August, in camping spots if need be. I would rather stay home than camping spot, but that's me.

And as surprising as it may be, to many it is not a need but a want. A parents' want, a mutual want or even a child want. What would happen to me if I never had couple vacation? Probably nothing. I like family vacations too. But it's good for everyone, so why not.

The only moments my dd gave me the cold shoulder was when I didn't give in to a tantrum. She was very happy to see me when I came back from my honeymoon, but she slept, ate, played normally and was not disturbed. Same for hospital, but she saw me every day so that's not away time. Maybe another child would have been not fine. Mine was.

Last edited by Ruchel on Wed, Mar 14 2012, 8:30 pm; edited 1 time in total

I can't comment on any individual child or parent, but I just had to point a child doesn't HAVE to take it badly. There are also more people than we think who live(d) with their parents, or in Israel grandmothers who baby sit the kids every day while the mom works. I thinkone should start by shorter times and if the child is upset, then there should be a good reason to do it anyway - that's my opinion though, a product of my upbringing, I know some do not think it is needed and as I am happy with my life I allow them to have theirs. I'm not Hashem to know whose children turn out better.

But some posters seem to think they know all children and are even entitled to call names, so just presenting another side...

I'm not sure this whole discussion has any goal or point. No one will convince anyone of changing their culture.

Gold Member Joined: Feb 12 2008 Posts: 2386

Why is it marriage OR kids?
I thing that the amount of times that vacation has prevented divorce or abuse are going to be very few. My marriage doesn't come before my kid nor my kid before my marriage, they are both important separately. I don't think getting away helps, you need to be able to function as both a spouse and a parent effectively in day to day life. I do however think that even a week away with just DH would be awesome. It is definitely fun but it won't "fix" anything if you are having problems.

I don't think the argument is entirely cultural but it also has a lot to do with personality of both the child and the parent. Some kids are anxious and would be horrifically traumatized and others are go with the flow. Some live next door to their grandparents and see them everyday and that is not comparable to a kid who sees their grandparent once a month. If you nurse until your kid is three you are also not going to be able to do it. I don't think someone leaving their 2 year old is negligent or a bad parent and I do think their are situations where it is ok. My kid would NOT handle it well at all.