I dont get it...

Posted: Wed, Feb 15 2012, 11:30 am Post subject: I dont get it...

So in my house we are a "guest" house...B"H always enough food, and my kids love guests and I have to say, have learned a lot about chesed from having guests. (As well as manners, etc...)

I DO understand NOT everyone is a guest home for variety of reason : They like to have "family" time, not enough money to have extra people, or just arent guest people, and thats ok too.

I do NOT understand why people who CANNOT afford to host, STILL host and then complain about it...And I dont understand why people think hosting is for the wealthier families. I know what I spend on Shabbos, and also know to look around for sales CONSTANTLY and only use veg that are in season. My most expensive thing that we buy for Shabbos is cake because I am not a baker by any means...

So I guess my question is: If you dont like to have guests, why do you do it?

Gold Member Joined: Mar 23 2007 Posts: 1877 Location: NY

Well I'm sure the complaints are when people get stuck with inconsiderate guests, right? They don't complain about the other ones, just the bad ones, and you don't know what will be til the person's at your table.

Some women are kind of forced into constant hosting depending on what their husbands do (community kiruv rabbi for ex)
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Posted: Wed, Feb 15 2012, 11:46 am Post subject: re: I dont get it...

Sometimes, it just gets to you, and you need to vent, even if you enjoy having guests.

We don't have adults all that often, but we're THE place to go for teens. I love knowing my kids' friends, and knowing that they feel at home and welcome. BUT there are times when I've had enough. When the same kid has been to my house for Shabbat lunch at least 100 times over the past 5 years, and my daughter has been invited there once because "they can't afford guests." They can, however, afford to go to Israel twice a year. We, OTOH, haven't been on vacation on 3 years. No money. And that's only one of the many we get on a regular basis.

So yes, people will have guests. And will usually enjoy them. But every once in a while need to let off steam.

Anon because I wouldn't want anyone to ID the child I'm referring to.

Posted: Wed, Feb 15 2012, 11:49 am Post subject: re: I dont get it...

Sigh. Can't edit amother.

And then the parents say they're too busy to pick up their kids after Shabbat. Another pet peeve.

Posted: Wed, Feb 15 2012, 12:47 pm Post subject: re: I dont get it...

I have guest. Lots of guest. I enjoy having guest. Sometimes they do unexpected things that can get to you so you need to vent.
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Platinum Member Joined: Apr 12 2010 Posts: 5799

I have guests often, I love having guests, I love cooking and preparing for guests and for shabbos. It is expensive but whether we have guests or not I usually prepare the same stuff and dh is very strict that money spent on shabbos is not part of expenses.

I do sometimes complain that such or such is expensive but I don't complain that having guests is expensive.
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Silver Member Joined: Feb 28 2011 Posts: 892

I totally dont mind having guests and dont look at the money issue either since I strongly believe that shabbos is from a seperate account and I always get special fruits and food for shabbos. Only reason why I DONT host that often is because its the only time I get to have some peace n quiet with my family. No phones, no interruptions. And I feel that this quality time is not the same when guests are around.

Posted: Wed, Feb 15 2012, 2:01 pm Post subject: re: I dont get it...

I think the majority of complaints are about guests who were obviously inconsiderate.

I do agree with the OP though. When I was single there was a Rabbi and Rebetzin in my city who used to host large numbers of young BTs and singles every Shabbat lunch. Generally these people were invited from shiurim being given by the Rabbi or Rebetzin but I heard the Rebezin say to people on a number of occasions, including to me, that if they were every short of a place for Shabbat lunch, please just turn up, no need to call in advance.

My landlady, who was friends with the Rebetzin told me that the Rebetzin had told her she can't stand it when people just turn up without calling first. I understand why this would be annyoing but if you don't like it, don't go telling people it is fine to turn up without calling in advance!

I also heard the same Rebezin complaining about the amount of work it takes to prepare food for so many people every Shabbat, she even complained at the Shabbat table in front of guests. Fair point, but again, if you would prefer fewer or no guests then simply don't invite so many people. Don't invite them then complain!

As I guest, I would prefer not to be invited and to spend Shabbat alone than to be invited somewhere I wasn't wanted.

Posted: Wed, Feb 15 2012, 2:15 pm Post subject: re: I dont get it...

I love guests but it is a lot of extra work. My husband's best friend growing up was going to come for Shabbos. We were excited. I hired cleaning help to come tomorrow (Thursday) to make beds and get the rooms in order. I took out meat to defrost so I could marinate it.

Now snow is predicted. B"H they called today to cancel, before the meat defrosted and the beds were made. The cleaning help was happy not to need to come and I am happy since I don't have any extra six beds made and waiting for them.

I would have been happier if they came, and fairly miserable if they canceled at the last minute.

Sometimes having, or not having, guests is hard! Money or not, it is a lot of work and when things don't work out it is disappointing. When people aren't courteous it is surprising and upsetting.

It isn't generally about the money, it is about the wasted money. There is a big difference. Smile

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Posted: Thu, Feb 16 2012, 4:16 pm Post subject: re: I dont get it...

Indeed one can love having guests but some guests take the cake.

Or, more sadly, in some circles there is a tremendous pressure to "host", and some just don't like it.
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Active Poster Joined: Jan 10 2012 Posts: 75

My parents hosted all the time and I hated it growing up. My mom always smiled and pretended she was thrilled but I know that it stressed her out. We didn't have inconsiderate guests but my mom always felt she needs to impress everyone. I only host if I really feel good about it. I go all out when I host but I don't do it often. I love my mom but I do not want to be like her. (This last statement can be applied to so many different aspects of my life).

Posted: Thu, Feb 16 2012, 4:32 pm Post subject: re: I dont get it...

Some people really can't afford it. It means more chickens, more fish.

Posted: Fri, Feb 17 2012, 12:22 pm Post subject: re: I dont get it...

OP here...
I do get stressed out also because I do it all myself, but I never complain about it..I do complain to DH that I dont want guests some weeks, and he says fine, so I prepare enough that if someone were to pop over, we would have...but it usually turns out our shul sends people even if DH doesnt daven in our local shul that davening...

My point was, I should have been clearer..why do people who cannot afford OR clearly dont want to host, host? you make your shalom bayis awful, you deprive your kids, and you make a stranger or not such a stranger feel horrible for either reason...?

Posted: Fri, Feb 17 2012, 12:28 pm Post subject: re: I dont get it...

Some communities have the norm that you reciprocate and invite people back after you've been a guest by them so it's rude to never have anyone over. Or your spouse's job (rabbi, kiruv person, rebbe) ends up pushing guests into your home. Aside from those times, how many people in real life or on here are frequent hosts and hate it? I don't think it's that common.

Posted: Fri, Feb 17 2012, 12:40 pm Post subject: re: I dont get it...

I hate having guests and I'm one of those who complains about it but sometimes I have to. There are people I have to invite because they have had us over and I have to invite family over because they would get insulted if we never do.