Do I have to do something for my sons Upsherin?

So I feel really guilty. My DS is turning 3 in a couple of days and all I planned on doing was taking him to the barber to get a haircut...no Rebbe and no party. My Dh's grandfather said an Upsherin isn't our Minhag but I feel like "EVERYONE" does something. So I guess what I'm asking is should I feel bad? Is it suppose to b a big deal?

we dont do upsherin altogether but we do have a wimpel party.

Diamond Member Joined: Aug 07 2006 Posts: 2556

Don't feel guilty - it isn't your minhag. Take your son to the barber, and shep a little private nachas.

If anyone asks, simply say "It's not our minhag." I think people understand that, although it may be educational for some people who don't realize how many variations there are.

Gold Member Joined: Jan 25 2011 Posts: 2096

I know lots of people who give a haircut when the kid is two bec having an upsharin is not their minhag.

why should you feel guilty?

if it is not your minhag, you don't really have to do a big thing. You can make a big deal about it in the regards of building up excitement of putting on a yarmulke and tzitzis. Maybe you can take him to the barber and give out peckalach to his friends--or have a cake for the whole family.

We kind of did a combination--it is our family minhag to wait until 3. We took our son to the rosh yeshiva for the first cut and a bracha, did the rebbe thing--in a classroom of kids--with honey, etc.
Then we took him to the barber the next morning and then a few days later--when it was convenient for my family (his hebrew birthday fell out on the same day as a family wedding) we had a small family party (2 or 3 of his friends as ds was not yet in school.) And by small family party--I mean no hot food, just some bagels, etc. and a cake.
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Platinum Member Joined: May 07 2008 Posts: 8963

Did you feel guilty for not having a henna party before your wedding? For not making a wimpel for your ds's bris? No? Why not? B/c it's not your minhag. Why would you feel gulty for not ding something that's not your minhag?

No, "everyone" does not do it. Some people don't even wait till the kid is 3. Some cut his hair when it gets in his eyes or someone remarks what a pretty little girl you have. Some of us learned that "haadam etz hasadeh" is not a metaphor comparing man to a tree and implying that just as one doesn't harvest a tree's fruit for the first 3 years one mustn't "harvest" a boy's hair for three years, but a rhetorical question making the point that because a tree isn't a person, it shouldn't suffer when people wage war.

Really, all this assumption that because Chassidim do something everyone else should, too, has really gotten out of hand. To thine own self (and family minhagim) be true. With all due respect and admiration for Chassidus and Chassidim, but, really, folks, just because it's chassidish doesn't mean it's any better or more authentically jewish than all the other streams of Yiddishkeit. Today it's mainstream, but at its inception, Chassidus wasn't considered authentic Judaism at all.

Gold Member Joined: Dec 10 2007 Posts: 2288

Whether upsherin is your minhag or not there is a tradition which, I think, cuts across all spectra, to wrap the child in a tallis & bring him to cheder. Your DH could ask your Rov if it should be done?

Gold Member Joined: Feb 13 2007 Posts: 1263

I think it's nice to make a small celebration for your family. It's great for your son to get the message that getting payos and tzitzis and a yarmulke is a big deal.

What we do is have my husband take the upsherin boy to yeshiva (a special treat) to learn a little with Tatty and then have the first snip from the Rosh Yeshiva. He feels so special getting to be with all the bochurim and the Rebbeim, and my husband tells him how he's going to grow up to learn Torah and be a Talmid Chacham iy"H. Then we take him to cheder, where the Rebbe does the alef-beis honey thing, and our son gives out pekelach to the boys. Then we come home and have a tiny celebration just for our family--I make tzitzis cookies and cake. We all give him lots of brachos, and then I finish the haircut, put on the yarmulke and zehu.

It's not a lot of effort, but it's really nice.

Mazel tov on your simcha! Smile

Posted: Tue, Aug 16 2011, 2:42 am Post subject:

Until I was on imamother, I had no idea that people throw catered parties for dozens of relatives for an upsherin.

You don't have to invite anyone to make it a special day for your son. Just serve pizza and ice-cream or something he loves and maybe a cake (it's his birthday, right?) to you, your dh, and your children,and tell him it's in honour of him becoming a big boy, and he will be delighted.
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Posted: Tue, Aug 16 2011, 4:14 am Post subject:

Moderator Joined: Dec 18 2008 Posts: 3612

The only thing your son needs for an upsherin is to have his hair cut.

Mazel tov! Lots of nachas!

IMO the main reason to make a big deal is to make them excited to wear a yarmulka and tzitzis. You don't have to make a big party, but it helps to do a something - ex. make a special dessert, go out for ice cream etc. so that he will feel happy about being a "big boy."

Gold Member Joined: Jul 09 2006 Posts: 1937

If it is not your minhag, why did you wait to cut his hair?

There are boys who wear tzitzis and for sure kipa before upsherin!

Silver Member Joined: Mar 26 2009 Posts: 947

Posted: Tue, Aug 16 2011, 7:30 am Post subject:

DS#1 had his hair cut at 20 months, erev Shabbat the day before DS#2's bris. (It was getting out of control and I don't "do" ponytails on boys.) DS#2 had his hair cut at 20 months, Thursday before my sister's Shabbat kallah. DS#3 is getting desperately close to needing it done; he's only 15 months old but he may need it before the others did.

Clearly, no minhag on either side of mine or DH's families for this.
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We have no minhag of upsherin but we wait to cut their hair until 3 because my husband likes it for some reason.

We took them to the hair dresser and my husband did alef bet when we got home. Just us and the kids. No party, no visiting with others, no random others cutting their hair.

Does that make you feel any better?
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Senior Member Joined: Jun 05 2006 Posts: 159

perhaps have your husband do the first cuts - "payos", so it's more than a barber.

Silver Member Joined: Mar 26 2009 Posts: 947

op here..so the reason I waited till 3 is because I love my sons curly hair. I want to just "Plop" a Yarmulka down on it 'cuz its so cute. Smile

I think I'm just going to make a little cupcake party with my DH and kids( so at least I have pictures).