What if you love one child more than another? :(

This is my dirtiest little secret.
I feel just awful and this secret gnaws at me through the night and day.

I had one child. She has always been spunky, smart and high maintenance. She's gorgeous and funny and smart. She's also two years old. And until my second child was born, she was really the center of my life.
But she's also very whiny and demanding and sort of just defines "terrible twos". I feel a strong love for her....but....

Then I gave birth to my second child. He's an angel. He's the sweetest, easiest baby in the world. He never cries, he sleeps so well, and everything about him is just great. I ADORE my son. I feel a depth of love for him that I can't say I've ever felt for my daughter. Until he was born, I never thought there was anything lacking in my love for my daughter. But when I see how I feel about him, I wonder what's wrong with my feelings toward my daughter. I love her so much, but it's still less than my son. This is killing me.

I wanted to say that I had a very very traumatic birth, followed by PPD, with my daughter, but had a fantastic birth with my son. I wonder if maybe this is a root cause of the problem.

Please don't yell at me and tell me that I'm awful. I feel bad enough already. I need help with this, not criticism. If I could help it, I would.

Moderator Joined: Aug 14 2005 Posts: 4536 Location: Ohio

I think it is normal and I think that these feelings change over time, as children grow and change. They aren't locked in stone. In the meantime, you have to work doubly hard to make sure your DD doesn't feel any distance, because then she will move away even farther to ease the rejection, which just will make things harder.

I don't think you should feel guilty. Just be aware of your actions and that your feelings have sprung from things TOTALLY out of our DD's control... HKB"H sent you your particular children for a reason. Our biggest avodah is to learn what that reason is!
_________________
mommy to 2 girls, 1 boy

"I would rather have my people laugh at my economies than weep for my extravagance."
--King Oscar of Sweden

Gold Member Joined: Jun 03 2007 Posts: 1942

I honestly can't understand 100% since I have 1 child ka"h but first off huggs. 2nd sounds like its just because he's an easier child so its easier to love. Others will have better responses I'm sure. How old is ur ds?

Gold Member Joined: Jul 26 2009 Posts: 1482

There's absolutely no cause to criticize or yell at you! You're normal, and what you're feeling is normal.

Right now you feel guilty that you love one child more than the other. It's okay that you feel this way. Right now one child gives you a harder time than the other child, so of course you have to work harder to love that child.

The important thing is for right now to continue giving your daughter all the love and attention in the world. Whatever your feelings might be, it is important that SHE doesn't feel that you love her brother more than her. You may need to work very hard on this, because it comes more naturally to you to show love to the baby.

Again, you're totally normal. Many mothers go through periods where they have difficult feelings towards one child. I have days where my toddler grates on my nerves, and days where I can't get enough of him.

Don't feel bad for feeling this way. Just be aware of it, and make sure your daughter doesn't sense that you feel this way.

Hatzlacha!

Diamond Member Joined: Jun 29 2011 Posts: 2999

Sounds ok. It all evens out with time. Please relax.

A boy may always be easier, in general; they have fewer moving parts.

And this particular boy may be particularly calm, as a person.

And, your hormones are being more cooperative with this birth.

You will be able to appreciate them both, for themselves, as things go forward. You will have a lot of fun with this variety in your life, long term. They will give you different kinds of joy, and keep you interested, by being different from each other.

You are still a very new mother. Be patient with yourself. Hugs.

I had one child I didn't bond with as well as some of the others. In retrospect I realized I very possibly had some PPD, although mild, as I was able to pick myself out of it. (Also a lot of resentment to DH because I hadn't wanted to get pregnant & it was all a misunderstanding about when I would go to the mikva etc)

However, after some time I got over my resentment & did my best to not show any difference in my relationship with DC, but actually bent over backwards more in some ways than with other kids.

Sometimes the ones that give you the hardest time raising them give you the most nachas later on...

Certainly don't feel guilty, but do look into parenting books or classes that appeal to you for techniques on how best to handle her (books mentioned elsewhere about 'spirited child' etc).

Also don't forget, if you're nursing, there are special 'mothering hormones' that make you feel more maternal. I always claimed I'd have been the world's worst mother without them, as I barely have a maternal cell in my body...however, I wonder if those hormones don't cause you to bond just a bit (or more) more with the current nursling than with the older one(s), although I certainly found it spilled over somewhat into my relationship with them...

Hatzlacha Rabba!

Beginner Joined: Jun 16 2011 Posts: 1

Having post partem depression and hard labor definitly playes a role in your emotions. I had the same problem with my oldest, who sounds like a copy of your little one.
After that I had an "angel" who actually cried when he needed, ate regular baby food and slept when he was supposed to. etc.
After that B"AH had another 5 as well. From experience I can tell you that all these feelings are normal. However kids do feel and pick up on our emotions. I have found some things to be helpful...

Find a small meaningful task to do together exclusively weekly or daily, which will help you connect in a new way and send the message that "you are special to me". (depending on the kids age- you can have exclusive story time, buy a small nash at a set time of the week and sneak it under the pillow, leave little notes or stickers, spend time coloring or doing a hobby together etc)
It needs to be exclusive to that child and you. You will find yourself truly loving the kid for who they are when you and they are relaxed.
Make sure that the "meaningful task" is initiated by you and not simply because they ask. You will find that naggy and klingy kids will stop that negative behavior and become more independant and gain self confidence as well.

Hatzlacha, you are not alone on this one.

Platinum Member Joined: May 07 2008 Posts: 8960

relax. your ds will also turn terrible two eventually, by which time dd will be a fabulous four and in preschool.

when I had my second son I had these same guilt feelings. I found myself annoyed by my oldest and felt like I loved my baby more.

than my second got older and I started getting annoyed with him and that made me the HAPPIEST person ever. I realized that I just dont like the 4-6 year old stage. I find myself more in love with my oldest again now that he is 8. I am in my I dont like my ds #2 stage and I love my baby.

Not everyone likes every stage of childhood. It is very possible that you just dont like her stage right now and when she's out of it you'll get back to the same connection you had.

also I dont think we love each and every one of our children the same. I dont think it's that we love one more than the other but we appreciate each child for their own uniqueness.