Taking showers in the nine days

Posted: Thu, Aug 04 2011, 10:16 pm Post subject: taking showers in the nine days

Every year DH and I have this disagreement. I take a shower twice a week in the nine days aside for friday (depending on when hte nine days start) He feels that he doesnt need to take a shower and it really irks me. no- I dont smell his clothing up close- and although he puts deoterant 6 times a day and he's in his office all day- STILL... as much as beg him to take a shower he's like.... its the nine days I dont wanna be meikil etc etc I'll take a cold shower on friday....
I dont know why it bothers me so much- it just does!!

thoughts anyone?

Silver Member Joined: Nov 27 2005 Posts: 748

It's assur to shower during the nine days even with cold water according to most poskim. You can spot wash or sponge bath if you are excessively dirty. I only shower on Friday as well, and spot wash if necessary. If you don't like it, you don't have to come here Smile

What about the option "yes" and he didn't ask a rav

No, but he goes to mikvah every day.. it's got to count for something. As long as he doesn't smell, I'm not interfering.

Me, on the other hand, Laughing

Posted: Thu, Aug 04 2011, 10:56 pm Post subject:

I heard and believe that anyone that is married is allowed to take cold showers so they can be appealing to their spouse, not just once a week on friday.
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Silver Member Joined: Jan 05 2010 Posts: 526

We hold that you can shower but the water has to be cooler than usual. Not necessarily cold.

Platinum Member Joined: Apr 12 2010 Posts: 5799

We take regular showers (sometimes every other day as oppose to every day) but cooler ones obviously...
I wouldnt go NEAR dh if he didn't have a shower he works physically outdoors every day and whhheeewwwwww dont ask Laughing

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My husband also holds that we do not shower in the nine days. Its really tough- especially on the ladies and on my teenage girls but we grin and bear it...hairy, smelly and all! :p

We learned that you can take a cool, quick shower as needed for cleanliness only, not for pleasure.

um we would have serious shalom bayis issues if my husband didnt shower during the 9 days.

it is so not even negotiable whether he showers or not.

if you want to sleep in the same room as me you shower as needed and thats that.

maybe he asked for a heter and maybe he didnt. I dont really know or care. the point is - he must shower.

I really have a hard time swallowing that there are women who dont shower for 9 days. even a cold shower? I find that so gross

also how can you possibly be intimate with a stench like that? and what about pple who work? are they supposed to go to business meetings smelling like the bag lady in the train station.

Ive never taken a shower in the 9 days besides for erev shabbos. I dont really sweat a lot so cant compare to other ppl...

Gold Member Joined: Mar 16 2009 Posts: 2293

Gold Member Joined: Sep 13 2008 Age: 39 Posts: 2031

If you're grossed out by DH is there a way to talk to his Rav? Pleasure and shalom bayit are two different things.

Posted: Fri, Aug 05 2011, 12:06 am Post subject:

I have NEVER heard that it is 100% assur to shower during the 9 days no matter what. It may have something to do with where we are (Israel), but even people in chu"l shower lichvod Shabbat. Never mind shalom bayit or personal hygiene or being around other people (non-Jews)...all of which are also perfectly acceptable reasons to shower, even if you live in a community which holds you need a heter. In today's world there is no reason NOT to shower in the 9 days, at least for cleanliness' sake. IIRC, even an avel for a parent during shiva is allowed to clean oneself.
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We learned we can shower for cleanliness. We always have.
You can't shower for pleasure, so the water temp has to be lower than normal, but not so its uncomfortable - just so you are not showering for the enjoyment but showering to clean.
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Diamond Member Joined: Mar 29 2005 Posts: 3592

Last week on one of the very hot days I came home from errands and was so sweaty and uncomfortable that I immediately went to shower and it was more comfortable using cooler water than usual so sometimes cooler is more pleasurable.

I've also learned that the guideline is cleanliness vs. pleasure. Not to pasken but I think die hard non-shower takers can at least use baby wipes or a washcloth with soap on strategic areas.

OP Here:

im not clean this week-so intimacy isnt an isuue here. but when I bring up the taking showers and asked him to take one during hte week- he's like- arent you happy Im trying to do what the halacha is? and besides which I dont really sweat, im in cool air condition all day, dont stay out in the sun. how does it affect you so strongly to say that its for shalom bayis etc etc

how do I answer that? he's right- it doesnt affect me- technically speaking maybe he doesnt "need" to shower in order to get a heter. I guess the though of it grosses me out.

Posted: Fri, Aug 05 2011, 3:02 am Post subject:

Stop thinking about it.

He says he doesn't smell and you can't smell him at all, to the point where would need to stick your nose in his clothing to smell anything. He is changing his clothing regularly and he isn't sweating, then it is just for your pleasure you are asking him to shower, not for cleanliness.

He is right.

Speak to a rav if you want, but you are better off not thinking about it and not keeping track of your husband's showering habits at times like this. You are his spouse not his mother. Smile

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Posted: Fri, Aug 05 2011, 3:03 am Post subject:

I don't think it's fair for one person to push heterim onto others - including a wife on her husband. I'm not going to write here what I was told because everyone should ask their own rav, and I also think things are different if you live in Israel or in Siberia.

If you feel you need to shower - ask your rav if and when and how you can. But it's not right to force/push your dh (or children over bar/bat mitzva - we have that issue now) to rely on heterim.
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