Mothers please help.my heart is filled with guilt!

this is exactly the kind of thing imamother is for. My 2 yr old son fell in my mothers pool today. Me and my sister were schmoozing on chairs about 5 feet away from the pool. We were discussing something important and sensitive and I was very engrossed. My mother was in the pool with my daughter 5 and my (diff sis) niece 3. Also in pool was sisters daughter 5 son 9 son 14. It was noisy and hectic. I asked my nanny to watch my 2 yr old and 10 month old in the house bec I would not be watching them, ie keeping an eye on them, outside by the pool deck, I just got in and was tired and wanted to relax by the pool not chase anyone around. During the engrossing conversation my nanny came out with the little ones to the porch above the pool to say hi. My mom from inside the pool told my nanny to send down my 2 yr old to hang out on the pool deck. It honestly didnt click that my son was there. He was even spraying me witha water gun for goodness sake and I barely noticed that he was placed under my supervision. My mom daughter and niece were interacting with him by the pool steps, im 5 feet away, suddenly I hear a splash. I look up, my mom has swam to the center of the pool. And I see a red ball, my son in his red t shirt SILENTLY sinking. I stood up, my sister darted past me went those 5 feet plus two steps into the pool and scooped him up.
Here is where I need u moms; firstly I more than ever understand that there needs to be a focused adult on the pool deck. No schmoozing! Secondly, I cant blame myself completely since I took proper precautions telling the nanny to watch him since I knew I wouldnt want to keep an eye on him by the pool deck. How was I to know my mother would.... Thirdly, and most importantly, my sister ran in to the pool and not me bec I was kinda frozen. I was frozen in my thought of "okay whos gona go get him since im all dressed, shoes, makeup, wig etc.... Its not gona be me..." needless to say im sick with guilt, and disappointment in myself. Im not the best mom, I have some emotional issues, hence the nanny, but this was just too much. I dont even know what else to say. any thoughts?

As someone who has raised three children in a home with an in -ground pool I will tell you this...
Adults MUST be diligent anytime children are around a body of water deeper than an inch--this includes inflatable wading pools.

Our pool has a wrought iron fence with a PADLOC/KEY on the gate.

NOBODY goes in without an adult--even my teens tell me when they are going in the pool. I need to be aware. Accidents can happen at any time and at any age but especially with little kids.

You had a bad scare but THANK G-d it was a SCARE and not a tragedy.

Let this be a wake up call for all moms.

My mother in law had a HUGE family barbecue around the pool and my friends two year old casually stepped off the cement deck and directly into the deepest part of the pool. BH an adult was able to reach in a scoop a drenched, gasping child from total submersion.

One shabbos afternoon a small group of kids unlatched my friends pool and I happened to walk by the french door to her yard just in time to notice a three year old boy teetering on the edge depsertaely trying to reach a floating beach ball. I CANNOT tell you how loud I SCREAMED and RAN.

This family switched to a padlock and key like me.

Children drown in a matter of seconds.

During the summer months we all need to be careful.

Please do not waste time feeling guilty, sad, upset etc. Just reaffirm that you will be ALERT and AWARE every single time your kids are playing near water.
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Diamond Member Joined: Jun 29 2011 Posts: 3037

BH, G-d is smarter than we are. OK, don't beat yourself, but now you know, don't talk seriously when kids are in water, whether pool or bath. Save that for another time. Water is not our friend. Just keep looking at the kid, and mumble sideways some light conversation. The other mothers will understand. If they don't, explain. I hope you feel better. Nobody is a genius. Bentch gomel, maybe?

Silver Member Joined: Dec 02 2010 Posts: 632

I am so sorry this has happened to you! its every mothers nightmare when situations arouse where you start questioning your ability and capability as to being a good mom. You are a good mother- the reason why you might have thought such ttuff like im dressed- shaitel- makeup is cuz you were numb with shock and your mind didnt capture the severity of the situation- before your adrenalin had a chance to sink in your sister got him thats when the could ofs should ofs but didnts hit you and you started feeling guilty. its normal to freeze up in tight situations every person reacts differently to trauma but that shouldnt make you doubt your love for your children and capability to care for them. As you've mentioned you are aware of the danger of a two ur old at a pool and of course the safety of your son is you sole responsibilty but things like this can happen. Dealing with guilt is not easy but dont beat yourself up- hug and kiss your son and tell him that mommy will always be there for him!

Diamond Member Joined: Aug 26 2007 Posts: 4037

Valley, dolly, blue. Thank you so much for your sharing your insights. yes YES! I will affirm my commitment to pool safety and watching kids with full attention. I will banish my useless guilt with my appreciation for being saved from the tragedy that could have been but wasnt, all thanks to your insight and generousity. I feel like I can breathe again!

Gold Member Joined: Oct 14 2009 Posts: 1234

You should also thank your sister, immensely.

accidents happen - that's why they're called accidents. don't ask me why, but my kids were hurt the worst when either I our dh was within several feet of them, not the times they were out of sight.

we do the best we humanly can and we daven that all the malachim will watch over our precious children, because we're only human and we do the best we can.

your'e a good mother. Hug

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Diamond Member Joined: May 10 2010 Posts: 3030

Don't feel bad that you were thinking about getting wet when you are all dressed. It's a normal reaction to a scary situation. I know someone who was on the way to a wedding and they were in a terrible car accident; the car was overturned, the windows were shattered, and the car was smoking. It was crucial that they get out of the car immediately. Her dh got out of the car and came to her side and asked her if she can get out. She said no. He asked her why and she said, "because my dress is gonna get all dirty." That is what happens when you're in denial about the severity of the situation. You are normal for reacting that way.

Posted: Mon, Jul 18 2011, 10:56 am Post subject:

I also think that you should ask your mother-or anyone else who may want to call your child to an unsafe area- not to do that again. You were in no way at fault here.
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OP here,
anonymrs thanks so much for telling me about ur friend. I can better understand now why of all the possible reactions, worrying about my clothes and wig was the reaction I had to seeing my son sinking in the pool**shudder**. and shanie, yes I hear that! my mother is in her mid 60s from a diff generation, a little less protective maybe, like if she watches my kids I have to brain wash her to put sun screen on them 30 min before going outside or swimming. she still thinks its ok to put on sunscreen and jump into the pool 10 seconds later no matter what I say, but slowly shes come around.
later on I told my father what happened and he is going to build a stronger gate around the perimeter of the pool to separate the pool from the pool deck with a door that closes automatically behind u. whatever its hard to explain. thanks grin, I think even the best mothers are worried that they are not good mothers...u are 110% right about davening. but davening is hard for me in general but I guess thats for a whole other thread!

Your sister reacted immediately...your reaction may have been delayed but I bet if she hadn't jumped in first you would have done it just a few seconds later, after realizing the clothes and sheitel don't matter. Just b/c she was quicker doesn't make you a bad mother. You wanted your child away from the pool b/c you're a good mother and you knew it was too risky for him.

My son was 2 years old when he was standing NEXT to me on the steps of a pool while I chatted with a friend. In the blink of an eye I caught him face down in the water, and BH, snatched him up! After that my kids all got swimming lessons at a very young age. Even 4 month olds can be taught to fall in the pool and float safely until help arrives!

Do you remember that terrible tragedy in the Five Towns with the housekeeper and the baby were both found dead floating in the pool?

This stuff happens.

BH everyone is okay.

Thoughts of guilt are not useful... We all make mistakes!

Silver Member Joined: Dec 02 2010 Posts: 632