Is this a terrible thing to do a child?

Platinum Member Joined: Aug 12 2007 Posts: 20599

It depends on a few things: How attached 4 yo is to Mommy? How she gets along with Daddy? How busy she is during the day? How will the trip be presented to her?
I don't think it's such a big deal if done correctly. A happy 4 yo has no clue what "going to America" entails, unless she goes all the time and is wined and dined, which is not the picture I am getting.
_________________
The future simply isn't what it used to be....

My kids were recently talking about who got to go to Eretz Yisroel. So as a family we only went once when I had my two oldest kids. My third child who is 5 seemed upset, even though he wasn't even born yet. The two older who were discussing it are 8 and 7. So no matter the reason - a child might later bring it up and be recentful.
Keeping all that in mind - I don't know if that is enough of a reason to take her. You have to take into account the reasons you want to keep her home. You can only base your decision on the fact that the child will think it is not fair. Things in life are not always fair.

I was five when my father took my older brother to Israel with him for a week. I had two younger siblings who stayed home.

It was a huge deal. We had been so close until then, but that trip drove a huge wedge between us. It probably didn't help that I didn't get to go to Israel until I was 16, by which time half the relatives I had heard so much about when I was younger were dead. Of course, by the time I was 16, I didn't care anymore about the childhood trip, but there were many years in between when I did.

I just got tickets to a baseball game, and decided to take my four year old because he had been talking about baseball for months. I explained to the boys (four and three) that this time I could only take one, and I would take the other on to a baseball game by himself another time. Everyone seemed fine with it.

Until the next day came and the three year old wanted to go to his baseball game. Never mind there WAS no game that day. "Another time" meant tomorrow to him, and he was extremely let down. It probably didn't help that the four year old played baseball game for the next week straight, constantly striking pitching poses and inventing variants he could play by himself or finagle his brother to playing with him.

Gold Member Joined: May 09 2007 Posts: 1360

Preschool is a very vulnerable age, when kids form strong ideas of the world based on their very limited inputs. It is extremely hard to reason with a preschooler that his assumptions are wrong -- he has to see for himself. So my four year old will insist until he's blue in the face that X is Y if he reasoned it out from something, but as soon as he sees X is not Y he happily admits he was wrong. Right now we have a problem because he thinks holding on to the handle in the car is as safe as being strapped into a booster seat. And a couple of times over the past few months, he has unbuckled himself and grabbed onto the overhead handle instead. I can tell him and tell him that it's not as safe, but until I stop short one day and he flies out of his seat, he won't believe me.

(Obviously, I'm not going to let him sit unbuckled until that happens. Instead, I explain why it's not safe, explain that I understand he disagrees, and then tell him he will have to sit in a carseat again for a while because it's just not safe to have him in a booster if he can't abide by the rules.)

If your four year old decides (and she won't bother telling you, by the way, because that's too hurtful) that you leaving her behind alone of all her siblings means you don't love her, how do you plan to prove to your four year old that you really do love her as much as her siblings? Because she doesn't need proof that you don't but once she makes up her mind, she'll need hard proof to change it, and love isn't something you can prove.

I agree that this is probably dependent on the kid. My 4 year old would be upset if I took some of his siblings and not him, but would understand if I just took his baby sister, or maybe the younger 2. But if I took his older brother and a younger one, he would be upset! It's hard to explain for a 4 year old, but maybe your children are different in this respect.

Please don't do it. I am a middle child & there were plenty of times that older bro & younger sis got/did certain things that made me resentful. Can I see some of them from a different perspective now as a parent? sure. But often that should not have mattered.
To those who responded: there is no half to 3 kids!!! it is Not the same. With 3 kids the oldest gets certain privileges because he is the oldest & the baby is the baby. Where does middle child fit in.
To the baseball game mom: You see the resentment already & there you have the opportunity to replicate the experience. You the mom, can take the 3 yr old by himself just like the 4 yr old.
OP - you cannot replicate this. 2 sibs go & have a shared experience then 1 goes alone with diff parent? the same? I think not.
Don't misunderstand me. We have taken kids places alone (even to E"Y) or a couple at a time. But our numbers are different(more than a half dozen). We never excluded just one child.

I agree with others. Yes, it is a terrible thing to do a child.

Active Poster Joined: Mar 12 2011 Posts: 51

I agree with Marina. I would maybe do this, depending on the circumstances. I would have to be very clear with the child that it was NOT punishment, and something special would be happening to her while she remained home. My young daughter would love to have alone Abba time, so this would be something fun and nice for her. I think it depends on how your child is reacting.

Active Poster Joined: Aug 31 2009 Posts: 96

Personally I think its fine. You need to explain to her that those two children are getting special time with mommy and shwill get special time with totty. Maybe next time youll switch. The trip should not be spoken about in front of her (so she shouldnt get jealous) and she should have alot of fun while youre gone!pizza for supper,trips,candy etc so even if her siblings tell her what they did she can tell thm what she did!

I'm in a similar situation, going to England from EY in a few weeks BEH, I've already explained to my older two that I'll be taking the baby (20 months) and they know the reasons - her ticket is almost free and she's the hardest for dh and my mother to look after. My older two are ok with this and are already giving me a shopping list. (She's also at home with me full-time, so they consider that normal) I would never take the older one too and leave my 4 year old, not only would she be devastated, she would also be incredibly lonely without her sisters. Even taking one of the older ones by themselves would be difficult and cause problems.

Cubbie- the point is that yours is not a similar situation. You are taking one & leaving 2, as opposed to the other way around.
Even as an adult would you want to be singled out to be left out of something?

Cubbie- the point is that yours is not a similar situation. You are taking one & leaving 2, as opposed to the other way around.
Even as an adult would you want to be singled out to be left out of something?