WDYD when your (young) kids JUST DONT LISTEN!!??

WDYD???
my kids, 3.5 and 2.5 often just dont listen to me!right now I feel like crying.
and the worst is, when they giggle as they do things they know the shouldnt be doing!!
I feel totally helpless and just dont know how to react. I cant come in with unreasonable consequences but sometimes I just dont find anything that would work.
(I did dina friendmans course this past year so I'm trying.....anyone who can guide me with her ideas - greatly appreciated!)
thanx!!

Platinum Member Joined: Nov 01 2009 Posts: 8229

It sound chronic, not just a one time thing.

Are they making trouble at the same time? That makes it harder if you are alone.

First, look for triggers. Are they tired? Hungry? Bored? Try to fix those before starting discipline.

When DS (3) misbehaves, we start with a warning of time out. Usually that stops the misbehavior. If not, we do a time out. He sits there, then we talk about what he did wrong. I make him tell me (I provide the words if he doesn't have them but I make him repeat in his own words what he did wrong). Then I give him another chance to behave.

If he continues to do it wrong, I take him up to his room for a nap. DS's poor behavior is usually tied to being tired.

If it has nothing to do with that, I start taking away priveleges - watching Mickey Mouse, bedtime stories, no park time etc.

Its not a quick 1-2-3 thing. It takes an investment of time. Your kids have to see that you are serious and consistent and then they will start to listen better.

Can you give some clear examples of what they are doing wrong?
_________________
Never mistake activity for achievement.

I agree with Saw. I would just like to add that, especially with such young kids, I would try to minimize the opportunities they had not to listen, so that it's not constant friction. In other words, wherever possible, don't give direct orders. Instead of saying "Come here" when you want to dress them, go and get them, or announce, "I have your clothes ready. Let's see who can come really fast." or something like that. This way if they don't come, they're not not listening. The same goes when they're doing s/t wrong. Unless it's a major "no-no" I wouldn't talk too much - rather use action. If a kid is throwing food - quietly take away his plate, intead of saying, "No throwing food." Once you minimize the opportunities they have to say no, it will be easier to stand firm when they don't listen, because it won't be happening all day.
_________________
That's the way the cookie crumbles...

Diamond Member Joined: Dec 18 2005 Posts: 2961

if you did dena friedman's course start thinking along the lines of which stage they might be in.
and try using an ignoring technique for when they dont listen/giggle and the misgaber chart for when they do.

at this age coming up with reasonable consequences can be challenging, but if you have a list of things they tend not to listen to, you can try to come up with consequences to have on hand before they start to misbehave. that usually helps me, I dont think clearly when I'm in the middle of the story.

just reread your post, thinking along the lines of dena's course (havent done it in a while so I"m rusty) but this makes me think of what dena said about authority, how you should be 'like a mountain' and kids need you to be strong and sometimes will misbehave so that they know you are the boss. or something like that. I know I'm misquoting terribly, so please no one take this as poor advise on dina friedman's part, I'm really butchering the message but since the OP took the course maybe it will be helpful to her.

Been there. I had 3 disobedient boys who did just the opposite of what I would tell them to do. I now listen to Sara Yaroslowitz. She has a phone line where she gives chinuch lessons. It worked wonders. Withing 6 weeks I had a different atmosphere in my home.

Executive Member Joined: Jan 04 2011 Posts: 361

BTDT! What was a life changer for me was Seryl Berman's parenting course!

Silver Member Joined: Aug 24 2009 Posts: 653

You really want to nip this in the bud now, before they get older and more difficult to discipline. The good thing is, your children are still really little and disciplining them is way simpler at these ages. Some good strategies:
For getting your children to obey your requests - you want to get them in the habit of listening, so that it becomes almost automatic. Here's how to get them to listen to you. Get down on their eye level. Look your child in the eye, call their name until they make eye contact with you. in a respectful way, make your request - "Avi, please pick your jacket up off the floor." Keep looking at them and give them 5 - 7 seconds to make a move (count quietly in your head). If no response, ask, "Are you going to do it by yourself, or do I need to help you?" If they answer "Help me", you do just that - take their hand and guide it to the task, and physically make them do whatever you told them to do. Say, "That's how we pick up our coat". If they choose to do it on their own, say "I am counting to three. If you have not done x by the time I say three, I am going to have to help you". Then count. If they comply, thank them. If they do not, say "I said three, you did not pick up your coat, now I am going to have to help you" and then follow the helping procedure described above. But do it EVERY. SINGLE. TIME you ask them to do something. If you are not ready to go through with the whole thing, then don't give your child any instructions at that time!
For getting them to stop doing something - make it impossible to continue. Again, make eye contact. Say "Shmuli, please stop throwing your food". Give him three seconds to stop, then either take away the object he is using to misbehave, in this case the food, or remove the child from the situation - change his seat if he is poking his sister, or remove him from the room if he won't stop yelling. Don't let him get the object back that day, or if he was taken out of the room, don't let him come back until you are reasonably sure he will not repeat the misdemeanor. If he does it again, keep him out for longer this time. Try to get him involved with something else once you have stopped the misbehavior, to prevent it from reoccuring.
Of course it goes without saying to try to avoid triggers like extreme hunger or lack of sleep, but the child does need to learn to behave regardless, so don't excuse any unacceptable behavior with the excuse that he's tired, hungry, etc.
The single most important thing is consistency. Choose one disciplinary method and stick with it for a long enough time to give it a chance to work - 2 weeks to a month is the minimum. And use it every time, without exception, don't let anything "pass", because the more they get away with, the more they will try to get away with to see how far they can push.
HTH

Gold Member Joined: Jun 03 2007 Posts: 1942

Senior Member Joined: Dec 02 2010 Posts: 126

You can listen to Sarah Jaroslawitz's parenting lesson on the Akeres Hebeis Hotline. The phone number is (718) 506-9057 and press option 7 and then 2. Her lessons are great.(I dont have kids yet but I love to listen to them). Just a good tip, you need to start from lesson #1 and slowly proceed. I believe she had twenty something shiurim already.

Beginner Joined: Jun 24 2009 Posts: 24

I highly recommend the book Positive Discipline by Jane Nelson. It has changed our thinking on disciplining. All I can say is read it because I will not do it any justice.