I've been told I'm traumatizing her

Posted: Tue, Dec 21 2010, 2:07 am Post subject:

Here the dummies are marked until 24 months, and some even to 36!

Anyway, DS#1 lost (literally) his last one on vacation when he was 27 months old. We haven't looked back. DS#2 was weaned from them over Pesach at about two and a half. DS#3 I'm not worried about yet...

The consistency is the biggest thing, and it can't be emphasized enough, IMO. After 3 weeks there's definitely no reason to "give it back" to her.

Also, with my boys I discovered that around 3 they started waking up for no apparent reason. On the rare occasions they could actually tell me why they were screaming (usually they can't) it was something like they were thirsty or wanted a different blanket...and when they were given their water or whatever they still screamed. It wasn't really the problem but it was something they KNEW would get a response. It's possible that your DD doesn't really want/need the paci, but doesn't know what the matter really is.
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maybe the person who told you that you are traumatizing her doesn't know what trauma is????!!!!
Being weaned from breast feeding or a pacifier is a normal thing in growing up.... It might not be easy for your or your daughter but it's not trauma... Please!!!

Silver Member Joined: Jul 31 2008 Posts: 713

I only skimmed through the other posts of this thread, so I hope I am not being repetitive. Op, at this point being right or wrong doesn't matter. You need to find a solution for your daughter. 3 weeks of crying is a long time and she can be suffering withdrawal in some way. Giving in is definitely not the solution. I like the idea that you lay and cuddle with her to comfort her. Smart move because a pacifier is somewhat of a comfort item. See if you can find a replacement for the Pacifier and it should not be something she already has. Maybe a storybook that she can read every night or a treat of sleeping with you for the first few hours of the night.... Show her sympathy and do not become impatient with her stubborn behaviors. The more she cries, the more proof of how important the pacifier was to her (hence the importance of getting rid of it).

To amother: It definitely can be traumatizing. I remember having my favorite-very battered- pillow case being thrown out by a well meaning relative. I was devastated. I pretended not to care, but I am still bothered by it Crying or Very sad

. I hard a hard time sleeping and concentrating for several months following.

Of course she's going to continue waking up her paci has been replaced by mommy's cuddles in the middle of the night. No she's not traumatised, she's getting something better!

Gold Member Joined: Mar 04 2009 Posts: 2231

I personally have a different opinion. I don't see what the big prize is for getting young kids who are very attached to a paci weaned. It's comforting, nurturing, soothing and they are very attached to it. Nobody gets married with the paci tucked away in their back pocket. Let babies be babies. Yes, three is still very young. She was only born three years ago.

I'm not giving you any advice on what to do now. Now that you have three weeks of enduring without it under your belt. But personally....after a day or two if I saw my kid wasn't ready I wouldn't push it. I did have a two and half year old, that lost her paci right before Pesach and I forgot to buy a new one. I pushed her off a bit, and she didn't protest much and that was that. But a child that needs it so badly to take it away. What exactly are you gaining here?

Is there a special certificate for kids that mastered the giving up of precious maternal objects early? Believe me the kids that hold onto their love objects and have them available to them as they need develop beautifully and maturely as they grow older. Stronger for having that solid base to grow on.

Just my opinion.

Posted: Tue, Dec 21 2010, 8:46 am Post subject:

I pretty much agree with sneakermom.

I think taking away something forcefully is cruel (I think it happened by accident, IIRC from the OP). Weaning whether it's from diapers, the breast, a pacifier, a blanker, a bottle or whatever should be discussed with the child. Some children will agree for a reward. Some will like the image of being a "big girl/boy". Some will just lose interest. For some children it works in stages (eg first only at nap time, then only at night etc. or only in the house or whatever). One of my children planned at his own suggestion to throw his paci in the Lag B'Omer bonfire for half a year. And he did and never looked back.

I think it is cruel to take away something a child is so attached to suddenly, without warning. It was a mistake.

Now I'm not sure what I would do - I think it's probably best to be consistent. Maybe you could give some prize for growing up and leaving it behind. Maybe you could find something like a squeezy ball or a doll he could hold when he wants the pacifier.
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Platinum Member Joined: Dec 27 2007 Posts: 7232

It's probably taking her longer to get over it b/c she is picking up on your ambivalence. Treat her nap refusal like any other misbehavior and it will go away faster. If she's waking her sister up, put her to bed 45 min. before the sister.

You could give her one replacement item and discuss it with her exactly once, but after that I would completely ignore the topic.

And no you are not traumatizing her, eye-roll insert.

In a few years, she will not remember that she ever had a paci.

My dd (BH!) has teeth and all, so yes, recently we decided the paci had to go at day. No, she wasn't ok with it. She won't be ok either with teeth or palate problems, so...
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Executive Member Joined: Jun 27 2005 Posts: 471

one thing that hasnt been addressed yet is the child's need to suck. its very comforting and you could say addictive to suck. and if you dont address her desire to suck she may discover her thumb and never give it up.
my neice had her paci taken away at around 2-3 dont remember, and she turned to her thumb instead after a month. she's 6 and still sucks her thumb.

with the kind of reaction you are getting from your child, I hate to say it, and I know its wrong to be inconsistent, but I think your dd needs to suck something.
you could first try sucking on popsicles, or pens, to see if it will calm her desire. but if not, I wouldnt take the chance of her taking to her thumb instead. its a very real possibility, and you will regret not giving back the paci.

if you do give her a paci in the end, I would do it as a "finally the store got more pacifiers in, so I was able to buy one for you. I know you've been waiting a long time." like you were planning all along to give it to her when you could.
this way you dont convey the feeling of she cried she got it back.

I think its very important for the child to be a participant in the decision to give up his paci, or he will just be angry at you as the evil mom who took away the thing most beloved to him.
I think giving in now is lot better long term than taking a chance she will turn to her thumb.

hey ladies: the judgemental "what! a 6 year old sucking a bottle!" comments are unnecessary. for the record, I sucked my thumb til 7th grade and turned out just fine, BH, thank you very much. I weaned my son off his pacy shortly before he turned 4, and it was the right time (thats why I did it then, it felt right) and he got rid of it easily, only 2 slightly challenging nights and thats it.... you cant parent by the book or the the judgemental comments of others- parent acording to your child and his needs...

right on sneakermom and shalhevet!!... OP, keep your eyes on the prize... what is your goal here? to avoid judgemental "your 3 year old still sucks a pacifier! gasp!" types, or to do what works in your child's best interest?.... I personally have higher regard for moms who are flexible than for parents who parent strictly by the book...

Thank you all for your responses!

Marina, she wakes her sister in middle of the night when she has one of her screaming fits. In fact, she wakes the baby too!

undoubtedly mrs pacifier has more severe issues than merely her pacy addiction...

Gold Member Joined: Mar 04 2009 Posts: 2231

I'm not so sure it's so clear cut that the teeth are crooked because of her using a pacifier. A lot of how a kids teeth grow in is genetic. My oldest daughter did not have her pacifier past two and half and she has beautiful big white teeth with humongous spaces in between them. Guess what....my teeth were just like that too. Thanks to braces you would never know...but that's besides the point.

You could try giving her a sippy cup with water at night. It's something to suck that's not the pacifier you just got rid of, and it's more age appropriate. When she's a little older, you can switch to a sports water bottle. It's very healthy to drink at night. My sister and I are both poor sleepers who get up in the night to drink. When she mentioned it to her doctor, the doctor said it's great for your body - most people get dehydrated at night.